just minishorts.

I sort of realised the power of honesty yesterday, how it can be laced with little streaks of cock and bull stories, and yet the force of its power would still spill out in considerably huge gushes.

And how that force can topple you over.

I had a spat with Mum immediately after the encounter of honesty. We had a two hour chat, hence we both slept at 4. What have I done? My mother was accusative. She told me, 'You brought this upon yourself. '

But that's my brought up, of course. Mum, being a teacher, always scolds her own kid first. Discipline figures heavily in this household, and sometimes, even though I dread it, I do feel appreciative of it.

So honesty, to you. Who reads this blog, who knows me, who knows me in person from a very close-up point of view, and who, perhaps, misunderstands me. What is it to you? Do you skew it? Mould it into a shape desirable to fit the aesthetic standards of your mind's eye?

Or honesty, to you. Who reads this blog, who knows me, and who perhaps is distrustful, and hold grudges, because of the things I've done to you, as well as to someone you love dearly. Should I say I'm sorry? Does honesty count, when I say sorry, just for the sake of saying it, but in all honesty, I actually feel, this, this terrible pain inside of me, telling me this, 'It's not just your fault, dear, not just your fault.'

I asked a friend, 'How did the Berlin Wall fall, in the end?'

'Because one side won.'

But in all honesty, even before this, before all this, I didn't really want anybody to win at all. I just wanted to be honest, and now I was given the chance to do so, it's as if a terribly heavy shadow has floated across the sky. What's left are scattered clouds, maybe scattered showers.

Oh well.

My mother has gave me the biggest quote of the month.

'Do me a favour, dear. Don't turn your life into a Korean Drama.'

The question is, what if, what if, my life is meant to be somewhat like a Korean Drama? I've had the experience of Drama-bits before. You know, the walking in the wind thing, a deserted car in the middle of sand-blown long grasses… somebody standing in the background holding a really beautiful jigsaw puzzle, aptly, incredibly aptly, named 'Silent Ocean'. Stupid car lock jamming up at the wrong moment to provide comic relief….

I've lived that all before.

*Sigh.*

I just want to be as normal, as possible. As normal, as possible. As normal, as normal, as normal as possible, as possible.

Hehe. Stairway to Heaven indeed.

If my life were doomed to be a Korean Drama script… I must have done something extremely bad in my past life. These dramas all have nasty endings. BLah.

Dear ….

Or whoever you are. I think you're public enough to be safe. I have to rant.

Dear ….

I'm in such a confusion. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore.

Dear ….

Are you there? Were you listening to me?

Dear ….

Good God, I'm so sorry for everything. Just pluck me out of this abyss. I'm just lost.

Dear ….

Why the heck doesn't this stupid yo-yo snap?!!! Jeesh you're confusing my readers!!

Dear ….

I'm going to watch The Terminal tomorrow. Will it be a good show? I hope the company is nice.

Dear ….

Please God, please give me strength and a very very thick skin to face whatever might come tomorrow.

Dear ….

Well, all in the life of me. Ha.

Hello!

You are so not going to get this at all. Unless you know what is up.

Put it this way, there's going to be an opening, and up to then, I have about a week, to find out what I really want, and what I'm going to do about it.

Now, that opening may be, or may not be a good thing. Apparently, *someone* said it is good, and that I should seize it. But my own calculations tell me that *this element* will kill *the other element*. Plus the dates don't exactly match. A few more tosses also led to the fact that *ok no this is not going to work*. But I'm a novice, and that *someone* is the experienced one.

The thing is this, I *should not* be bothered at all, as you have been trying to tell me over and over again. But, you see, you've been there before, and you understand me well enough to know about my impulsive-obsessive-compulsive nature (this is why I hate being a girl sometimes). So on this yo-yo that I'm dangling from, I'm in an up, down, up, down and up again situation. And the view, oh the view, it keeps on changing !!! And my eyes are getting all blood red from all the focusing. YOU GET IT????

Fortunately, in real life, I'm still the messy and unaffected person. A new friend whom I met in HK, who taught me about moon signs, and crystals, and all that fun stuff, told me that I was 'cool'. All right. At least THAT's better than what they labelled me back in school?proud and arrogant. And fierce too. Some more talk so loudly all the time, and her temper like fire ball like that.

Eh, friend, like this lah, if you don't like, just stay off my path lah. Don't talk bad things about me. And don't mess with the people I love and care for, don't try to pollute their minds and get them to hate me either. I GOT FAMILY AND FRIENDS WHO LOVE ME ALSO OKAY? AND THEY DON'T COMPLAIN. And believe me, karma is a very, very, powerful thing. I've come into contact with it too-many-a-time to discount it as nothing.

On palmistry, and face-fortunes

minishorts: how come you know how to look at faces

Ensey: You don't remember? I have a family friend who used to lecture me on it once every other week.

minishorts: oooh oooh ok … do you find those things accurate?

Ensey: I wish I knew more, but then again I can't be bothered to go learn more about it. Some of it. How I think of it, palmistry is an ancient form of statistical estimation.

minishorts: Huh? how it happens

Ensey: If you have a think about how it came about, you'd see what I mean. "Hmmmm, people who look like THIS tend to have accidents. People with a mole HERE have tough luck in love…" you'd have to look at millions of people over the ages to work it out, but China has a long enough history for people who're bored enough to do it.

minishorts: hhaahahhaaha…. hahhahaa.

So… well… Erm…. ermm….. divination, anyone?