Tired
Dina's blog post made my eyes wet today as I struggled to keep afloat amidst the tension at work and in my personal life.
'Cookies and footprints.'
Where have I heard those before? My name is an omen. Every Friday, we go to Subang Parade, and I pass by Amos and his famous cookies send whiffs of Chocolate Chip bits to my nostrils. I almost swoon, almost.
And then the memory of it all overwhelms me. I look at my friends, and I force a realistic chuckle to fit in. The jokes they tell don't gel; in my mind, I'm always thinking of something else.
Sometimes I wish Mum didn't give me a name that rings as an immediate term of endearment.
'COOKIES.'
The lines are like neat lists in the cabinets of my mind, labeled and filed. A… B… C…
'Cookies with you?'
'Cookie please?'
'I'll get you cookies.'
'I asked my mum to bake you cookies.'
'Can I call you cookie?'
'You're my cookie you know.'
'You're like a bag of chocolate chip cookies. I never know what I'm going to get next.'
'Where's my cookie???'
'Dearest Cookie… I love you…'
When I was in uniforms, they had cookie dedication days, and I would receive nicely wrapped cookies in pink and white wrapping tissue. 'Be my cookie?'
My very first Valentine's Day gift was a delivered bouquet of pink roses from the Blooming Florist, with a copy of Titanic's OST and a 400 g bag of Famous Amos's Chocolate Chip and Pecan Nut cookies. I didn't like the bloke, but I was flattered he knew my favourite variety.
I was called 'cookie monster'… for many many years… and some friends still call me that.
I've had enough.
I'm not in denial, but I've always been wearing a mask. And lately, I'm getting really, really tired of it. Maybe the strings around the ears have gone lose, maybe my face has shrunk. I'm not sure. But this mask doesn't fit anymore.
Behind the mask, behind the smiles, I feel trapped. It's like a huge box I'm in… there's an exit to this, but it's nowhere near me.
I want to move on to acceptance, but I seem to be stuck forever in this container. I've banged my head against the glass, but it seems unbreakable.
There is an opening at the end. I see it. I run towards it. My, how I run, how I run….
But there's an invisible pull that keeps me from sprinting out of it.
But I've not admitted it until now. Now. Now.
What's the truth?
I'm exhausted. Stifled. Cramped. Sick. Irritated. Disgusted. I'm tired of waiting.
November 28th, 2004 at 9:21 am
…but yours is still a nice name.
November 28th, 2004 at 9:36 am
It’s chocolate
November 28th, 2004 at 3:17 pm
Hmmm…. Watching Alexander would definitely NOT be a good idea at this point then…
We all wear masks, but whether you’re willing to take it off is really up to you…
November 28th, 2004 at 7:08 pm
trust me, as we all get older the mask peels away. well we still keep it on for our bosses.
smile!
November 29th, 2004 at 8:17 am
Tired and fed-up with your names and nick names?
Now are names and handles important? ‘What is your name, each of you?’ My name is nameless. I have no name.
You give yourselves names, because you believe they are important.
Understand, your existence is nameless. It is not voiceless, but it is nameless. The names you take are structures upon which you hang your images . . . What you are cannot be uttered, and no letter or alphabet can contain it. Yet, now you need words and letters, and names and objects. You want magic that will tell you what you are.
I have had TOO many identities to cling to ONE name
November 29th, 2004 at 9:19 am
Nameless: i wasn’t talking about the name. but most people wouldn’t understand.
November 29th, 2004 at 11:22 am
wow Nameless, now THAT was one DEEP post.
November 29th, 2004 at 5:25 pm
My bitch wears a mask all the time.
She is terrible with other people… but with me, she will always sit…
… hmmm… can’t get her to stay yet.
So… even if she is wearing a mask in front of me… I don’t mind. At least she behaves when I am around… I am the MASTER!
November 30th, 2004 at 12:22 pm
Perhaps things have been happening lately, and you’ve gotten pretty tired. Hope you’re feeling better though. If you need to talk, I’m reachable.
December 1st, 2004 at 9:08 am
everyone gets tired once in a while. and of course restless too. and many a time we also wanna remove the mask .. or whatever that is not the real us. and we want to reach the end of the tunnel … to walk out of it and reach the light.
and despite not realising it … we might actually have already reached the tunnel and walked out; ….. and of course the mask has already been left behind long time ago ….
and all that’s left now is the fact that we just have to get used to the “new” real us …. and to move on … without looking back …
wishing you all the best ms …. in the coming new year and all the years ahead.
December 1st, 2004 at 1:55 pm
been many days since your last rant… hope you’re ok…
December 2nd, 2004 at 11:21 am
A fart, by any other name, would smell as sweet.
December 2nd, 2004 at 12:38 pm
Been coming here every day looking forward to read of perhaps better things coming your way. Take care alright ?
December 3rd, 2004 at 12:51 am
miss you girl, hope you’ll be back soon… where ever you are.
December 5th, 2004 at 1:04 pm
Whatever it is you’re going through right now, I hope you’re feeling better. Soft toys are really great Hug Dispensers.
Take care.
December 5th, 2004 at 2:19 pm
girl why haven’t you been writing. getting worried about you. at least tell us you’re ok, alive and living please. and don’t do anything rash. it’s nearing christmas, and its the time of gifts and love.
*we miss you lots*