just minishorts.

I find the above tagline rather intriguing.

So I'm presenting it to you.

I find it quite amusing that… well… I'm not sure what I find amusing about. But just these days, I sometimes sit down to a mug of good old Green Tea (by now you should already have figured out that minishorts is addicted to Green Tea, no, not the Japanese variety), and for no reason at all, I begin to smile smugly. Not that I'm aware that I'm smiling, but Mum sometimes walk past me, sipping my hot, hot tea, staring into space with that idiotic look on my face, and she'll just go, 'What are you smiling at?'

'I'm not smiling.'
'You did. You look like a nut smiling there.'
'Okay.'

And then I'll go back to Dan Brown and try to finish the pages before she bugs me to go to bed. After a while, I get distracted again, stare at Tiesto talking about his latest music on MTV and listen to soft beats of house music, and Mum will walk down the stairs and see me again, 'I thought you were trying to finish the book.'

'I am.'
'Then why are you staring at the TV screen blankly, and smiling like that.'
'I wasn't smiling.'
'Go and sleep.'

But I'm trying to finish Digital Fortress… she wouldn't understand.

So frantically I'll nod my head again and flip to the next page.

Maybe its the recent book binge. I've been gulping down page after page by the minute. I've finished three Dan Brown novels in 4 days, if I had the money I'd probably buy Deception Point tomorrow, and continue on this endless pursuit of lost time. What happened?

Catching up on the real me. That's what happening.

I think that's the other thing most people didn't know about me. Heck, even I didn't know that much about myself.

So I'm back to square one, more or less. The last time I was really myself, I was 17, and oblivious to other problems. It was just me and whatever there was in my life. Maybe that's why I'm smiling smugly these days. This return to myself kind of thing is kind of addictive. I don't ever want it to end.

I seem to be bumping into a lot of people lately. Not just online. Well I bump into a lot of people online! You never know who'll meet. Here's another take, you never know who you'll meet at 1 Utama. I think this must be the third year in a row I've bumped into that particular friend. I'm not sure if you have a memory like mine, but its quite amusing now that I seem to walk into your face once a year in 1 Utama. And it's always a 'hi, bye' scenario, with promises to meet up over a cuppa. Which never ever happens. Unless tonight we break that tradition of 'bumping up accidentally' and really get some limau ais for a change.

Not like I can take coffee after 5 p.m., that is. But we'll see…

So anyway, it's been 5 longs years since I last donned a uniform (that awful, awful, oh-too-long turquoise pinafore I used to wear, that is), and what I do regret, for now, is my severe lack of friends in the feminine department. I can not-so-proudly announce that since departing from the school girl days, I've only been closer to two girl friends from high school… one who's currently residing happily-ever-after in Berkeley, the other whom I'm sort of a fair-weathered mate to (I seem to only start writing to her when I'm undergoing a break up)… Counting in all the friends I've made in 24 years, there's actually less than 15 girls that I can actually hold longer than 20-minutes conversations with… and out of those 60% are friends I've just made in the last 2 years.

So I was speaking to Darren online last night, and he and I exchanged soliloquies on pretty accurate descriptions of 'girls like you'. Things that I will not reproduce here.

Just that, if tonight is the usual Friday's out night, I will be the lone girl amongst 4-5 boys again, listening them talk about Need for Speed and Rome Total War (which I have no interest what-so-ever in)… while I, in an obviously conspicuous fashion, sip my favourite limau panas and slip in intellectual-like one-liners to ensure the night goes on long and that they don't feel awkward about my presence.

Then again, sometimes I don't even realise that I'm different from them. I bet they don't realise either.

You're a girl, not a girl. You're a woman, not a woman. And then, I remember what my ex used to say about me, 'You're almost a guy. Almost.'

And that's the whole fucking problem.

Essentials ones. Written by an AIESEC alumni (whom I'm certain I've met during the Flame dinner but still can't match the nickname to the person). Two consecutive posts on how to be THE MAN (as I type this I keep hearing someone's voice echoing in my ears, reminiscent of that night drinking beer at Restoran Chor Kee, 'You da man, man… you da man…') in HER LIFE.

Yes yes I'm providing publicity to an unknown senior. But good ones. Click for the essentials.

Part 1

Part 2

So anyway, I was reading the posts, and there's this line that sticks out like a bald chicken among the roosters. Its the very same line that I kept hearing from ex boyfriends too, whenever I ask them for an opinion on something, or an advice on what I should do. You know, asking for answers to questions like 'What do you think?', or 'What should I do?', or 'How should I handle this?'

The relationship suicide answers are as follows, and I kid you not, all the guys I've dated seriously, or have had remote ideas of committing in a relationship to, have committed this crime:

'Do whatever you want.'
'Up to you.'
'I tell you the same thing, anything you want.'
'I always tell you, you should do anything that you want to do.'
'Up to you, do anything you want.'

First month of a relationship, that line glows within you. If you keep hearing it over and over again, you wonder, 'WTF do I even bother asking him in the first place when he's going to tell me the same thing?'

Yah. Right. That's relationship suicide for you. If a woman asks, it means she wants a suggestion, not something like, 'Do whatever you want.'

That said, I know I am equally guilty of committing relationship suicide. Here's a classic conversation.

Him: What you want to eat tonight?
Her: Anything.
Him: Hmmm… bakuteh?
Her: Erm… too fatty.
Him: Erm… let's go have some Malay food.
Her: Where?
Him: I know this stall near my house…
Her: Dirty lah…
Him: Ok ok, let's go get Hokkien Char, you know… that shop near Taman Len Seng…
Her: I don't feel like having Hokkien Char at all…
Him: (Getting pretty annoyed by now..) You want me to cook or not? Spaghetti… we can do some cooking together…
Her: Lazy lah…
Him: Then what you want to eat?
Her: Anything…

That's relationship suicide for you. Oh yeah, I know most of my girl-friends do it to guys ALL THE TIME, not necessary romantic partners either! I know Dads get it, Brothers get it, Cousins get it, Friends get it… and honestly, if I were put in the guy's shoes: yes, it's freaking annoying!! So, girls, I'm reminding you to control yourself.

In solitary time the thoughts run through my mind
Some from the very throne some origins unknown
I know there's a danger waiting
Thoughts held in captivity
The vain imaginations that long to be set free
I hold the key
With thoughts of purity

Whatever things are pure and true,
(I want to)
Think on these things
Whatever things are filled with virtue
Think on these things
When my mind begins to stray
I want to think the other way
Think on these things
Think on these things
Into the conscious flow the tributaries go
The source from which they start
Abundance of the heart
My mind has a mind of its own
choosing negativity
Only the thoughts of virtue
Withhold the raging sea
I turn the tide
By choosing to abide

Whatever things are honest
Whatever things are just
Whatever things are lovely
I will put my trust
In the things that never cease
To keep my heart in perfect peace

Words by Bob Hartman, Music by Ronny Cates

I finished The Da Vinci Code in five hours. It's the first book I've read in ages. First non-self-help book (I was literally swimming in Florence Littauer's Personality Plus a few months ago, and then passing my Mars and Venus on a Date to friends while explicating defining pages from John Gray's invaluable tips for the modern serial dater.) And then Teck Liet was raving over Dan Brown's thriller and how it was a page a minute kind of turner, so I got it.

Now I'm looking at the stacks of books I bought from bookfairs and stole from OUP's ravishing warehouse takeouts and thinking, 'Where should I start?'

I've got an unfinished copy of Different Seasons (I'm stuck after Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption) and Sylvia Nassar's A Beautiful Mind. I've got a pwetty RM 1 copy of Austen's Pride and Prejudice that's begging to be re-read… and then more obscure marked up copies of the Oxford Classics, ranging from The Mill on the Floss to The Moonstone and The Old Curiosity Shop. And I sort of promised myself to re-read the latest installment of Harry Potter several months ago. That's left undone still.

Tomorrow's a back-to-work day. I wonder if I'll ever get around to finishing all these books AND my thesis AND my work AND whatever's left hiding the cupboard under the unbrushed dust. With all the time I've left to myself, I guess it's just a matter of choosing whether to sleep, play with unknown shooters, to dilly dally as should a 24-year-old I've-just-come-of-age-woman usually does, or to absolutely dig out all those organizers I used to keep when I was dating that guy who manufactured organizers (now that was an absolute dig, I've got all sorts of diaries with my name engraved on them) and put them to good use at last.

Or maybe I'll just settle back into trying to make sure my Essentials of English gets put to good use and slip in a line or two of those into the performative art of legal plagiary. Do you understand?

And The Incredibles beckons me this weekend.

BTW, most people seem to misunderstand what's happening. Its really a laugh, considering this: weiyo, don't lah speculate. I know, I know, its a drama unfurling before your very eyes, but GAAAAAHHHH…. drama pun bukan drama sangat lerrrrrrr…. get it?

I've been overdosing on Green Tea again yeah.

Why am I crapping so much? I'll tell you why. The holidays are ending. It's a sad, sad day for all of us. Raya or no Raya. Back to work isn't ever good news.

I'm going back to shooting obscure strangers. See ya.