life, love, *motherhood, and then more
Archive for January, 2005
And so I wonder
Jan 30th
It's nearly the end of January, a month marked by many things. I've walked a long way to reach where I am now, and now that I'm standing here on top of this little hill looking back at the past, I wonder whether I've moved ahead or merely, walked around in circles.
The truth is, at this very month right now, I feel as if I've turned round and round in circles. I'm not lost, but it really is as if I have been reluctant to shed that final skin that used to be me. Clinging on seems the best thing to do, and even though a huge part of it hurts me, I still am like that.
Wasn't it what it was all about, you are who you are because of your past? As accomodating as I can be, the very deepest part of me cannot be denied. 'Matter-of-fact' becomes regarded as that of convenience, and THAT can never rest easy within me.
Or at least, just tell me. Of own accord.
I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. Or the next minute. What I do know is, despite the busy schedules, I've been striving to do my very best, but was it not enough? Or too much? You know, once I was lying on my side, and having conversations with myself, and I knew the kind of fires that burn inside, how they have proven to drive people away before. Haven't I kept myself under control for so many, so many years, that finally when I stood up tall, it was unshakeable, and somewhat 'admirable'.
Maybe I've been too haughty for too long.
And so when signs of disentanglement show up, I panicked, and I scrambled to keep my senses at hand. Well, it worked for a while, until I realized that it wasn't being fair.
'When you love, you love with all your heart, or you don't love at all.'
But I suppose I'm fortunate to be warned before I reach that point.
It’s done.
Jan 28th
I've made up my mind. Bags are packed, and I'm ready to go (that line from that song, yes), and oh boy, has it been one hell of a decision to make. And my heart breaks from the impact of it?the pain is so intense I can't even believe that it's possible.
Its worse than breaking up with a boyfriend.
In the past, when I made decisions to end a relationship, I never let my mother or family into the events leading up to the finale… But this one decision has held me back, for so many, so many months. I've told very close friends about how I felt about ending it all, how much passion I feel for this thing that had become such an intricate part of my life?this is something that has become me… it represents me. And to have come to this point in life. I wish it didn't have to be like that.
But in life, choices that you eventually have to make may not necessarily be pretty or wonderful. At the end of the day, what makes the cut?
That which is the best choice. Does it matter that it may hurt?
Well.
Before and after
Jan 26th
Well. I'm back at work. There's this one line of editing that I'm looking at and I'm intrigued at what is 'right', what is 'wrong'.
Original sentence:
The teacher who came into the class was saying, 'Open your English books to pages 24 and 25 and do Exercise A and Exercise D.'
Correct sentence:
The teacher, who came into the class, was saying,' Open your English books at pages 24 and 25 and do Exercise A and Exercise D.'
I was discussing some scripts with a couple of my authors, who are very experienced teachers, and as always, we were arguing over the differences in British and American spellings for certain words. Hence, I'll share with you what I've learned ever since I started doing this…For the benefit of students who will sit the local examinations, please know that we use the Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary as a point of reference (the other dictionaries are correct, but when it comes to solving ambiguities, decide with the OALD). Hence, even though Malaysia uses British English, the following stands correct:
Organize, not organise
Organization, not organisation
Realize, not realise
Realization, not realisation
In the OALD, the definition for the above headwords are also accompanied by this line, 'in BrE also …', and this line occurs for many other words where two versions of the spelling are acceptable. When this happens, we always take the first word as THE correct way of spelling or saying something.
*****
Mum got back last night. She called me around 9-ish, upon arrival at KLIA, reminding me to come pick her up in my car.
'Make sure you drive your car. '
'Uh. Yeah… why?'
'Just make sure it's YOUR car… not his.'
'Erm…'
Following which, Eric and I had to go into a short discussion of plans as to where to place his car.
'What's wrong with taking my car? You can always sit in the back what…'
'Yeah but she threatened to take a cab back if we went in YOUR car!!'
*Loud chuckle*
'I know it's strange but we will have to go in my car. She insisted.'
'Wokay… anything you say…'
When we reached Sentral, Mum was already waiting for us. We put her things in the boot, and then, I opened the back seat door, following which there was a short struggle between Mum and me for the back seat.
'What are you doing? Let me in!!!'
'Ma, you're supposed to take the front passenger's seat lah!'
'I WILL NOT!!! You go in front…!!!'
'Ma what's wrong????'
'Just go in front!!!!'
And then, she PINCHED me on the arm, forced me out of the way, planted herself in the back seat and closed the door. We were all laughing at her strange behaviour, even louder when she said very loudly, 'Eric, next time you have one of her girl-friends tagging along with with the two of you in the same car, get her to sit in the back and let her friend sit in front, and see if she LIKES that!!!'
Mothers. Hah.
Off Track
Jan 25th
The thumbie issue got left aside and I decided to enjoy my holidays anyway. I DID enjoy the long weekend. I spent about 3 hours waiting for a delayed AirAsia flight to Kota Bharu—the wait was quite bad. My flight was supposed to have departed at 8.20 pm at first, and in the end, it was already 10.15 when Mum and I boarded AK324.
By the time I arrived at my aunt's new cluster house in the North, it was 12 a.m. and I had less than 24 hours to go before it was time to fly home. We lazed around the corners up till around 2 am and Aunty Jane interrogated me on the latest juicy titbits of MY LIFE… and then I slammed my face onto the hard latex pillows that she had laid out for me. The next day was spent to-ing and fro-ing from the sea market, to Choo Chuen Yuen for that very famous tee kar bao, literally translated from hokkien as 'Pork Leg Wrap', and then to my Grandma's home that was fortunately, untouched by the flood waters.
It's been five years since I last stepped foot in my mother's hometown, and the wash of the sea air against my face was a rather welcome one. I'll be spending another week in KB during the Chinese New Year holidays, and my uncles have promised to turn the family gathering hall into a multitable casino, and there's going to be a BBQ party in the basketball court as well (my granny's house has a basketball court smacked in front of the entrance).
*****
On the way back, I was delayed on the KL CAT speed train. The thing stopped for a full fifteen minutes somewhere near Sri Kembangan, and I got a wee bit edgy there. Afterwards, Eric said that something was SERIOUSLY wrong with me since I seemed to be stopping planes and trains… and my affinity with delayed AirAsia flights was another laughing issue. The last time I was delayed on an AirAsia flight, I was bound for Penang, and the silly plane didn't seem to want to appear in front of the departure hall. A 2.30 p.m. flight was delayed till 4.50!!!
Anyway… the weekend was pretty obnoxious… having the house to myself for three whole days can be addictive, and tiring. It's SO not easy to do the chores alone, and days like these I miss Auntie, the househelp that comes around on weekdays. Eric was very sweet, taking care of my meals and making sure the holidays were well-spent—I got my much desired rest.
It's just… I don't dare to look beyond today. I think I'm in for big loads of WORK tomorrow. And I'm SOOOO not looking forward to that.
Oh well.
Stupid Macs
Jan 21st
Something is seriously wrong with my Mac man…. everytime I put in a formatted pendrive into the USB port it asks me to initialize it. Then I do so. Then I save about 80 MBs worth of documents into the drive so that I can take things home to work on them. And then, and then….
I come back and switch on my comp. And I KNOW I've got 80 MBs worth of stuff inside the thumbie, and then…
My stupid comp at home tells me that the drive is not formatted.
This is crap. It means I'll have to speed back to the office on Monday (even with my leave) to get stuff out so that I can at least work on something.
Shit or not.
