just minishorts.

It's nearly the end of January, a month marked by many things. I've walked a long way to reach where I am now, and now that I'm standing here on top of this little hill looking back at the past, I wonder whether I've moved ahead or merely, walked around in circles.

The truth is, at this very month right now, I feel as if I've turned round and round in circles. I'm not lost, but it really is as if I have been reluctant to shed that final skin that used to be me. Clinging on seems the best thing to do, and even though a huge part of it hurts me, I still am like that.

Wasn't it what it was all about, you are who you are because of your past? As accomodating as I can be, the very deepest part of me cannot be denied. 'Matter-of-fact' becomes regarded as that of convenience, and THAT can never rest easy within me.

Or at least, just tell me. Of own accord.

I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. Or the next minute. What I do know is, despite the busy schedules, I've been striving to do my very best, but was it not enough? Or too much? You know, once I was lying on my side, and having conversations with myself, and I knew the kind of fires that burn inside, how they have proven to drive people away before. Haven't I kept myself under control for so many, so many years, that finally when I stood up tall, it was unshakeable, and somewhat 'admirable'.

Maybe I've been too haughty for too long.

And so when signs of disentanglement show up, I panicked, and I scrambled to keep my senses at hand. Well, it worked for a while, until I realized that it wasn't being fair.

'When you love, you love with all your heart, or you don't love at all.'

But I suppose I'm fortunate to be warned before I reach that point.

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