Not so easy.
Not easy being where I am today. A few days into my new job (yes I've got a new job, starting next week), and the pressure on my head's getting REALLY heavy. We've been going back to Kota Bharu a little more often recently, maybe it's because Mum thinks its time to get reunited with the family… and then once in a few weeks, members of mummy's family would fly down to KL, and its a whole lot of 'meet-the-parents days' for Eric and I. Of course, it's the same for me. Occasional family dinners over at the Yeow household, and then later, when we're alone to discuss things, we talk about possible futures and why we're doing all these formality necessities.
When I'm left alone at home to ponder my current position, I can't help but think about past experiences, and try to gather the lost lessons I should have remembered from them. Alas, my mind's like a sieve, and I don't seem to remember that much.
My bad.
Of course, your sense of such important things like the prelims to a marriage tend to fade over time and experience. From first times in first relationships, to first times in second relationships, and first times in a third relationship (and one that you feel is THE one, mind you), your idealistic self gets jaded… and the worst thing is that it affects your whole sanity and self. Of course it leaves a mark on the relationship itself, one that's not too healthy at all.
Then, I tell myself not to take things too seriously. But the nagging thought lingers, 'So many formalities. So many steps to closing the gap. Then what if midway, when you are damn close to walking down the aisle to an eternity of togetherness, that whole dream falls down crashing upon you?'
I've never feared this so much in my life ever. I've never tried so hard, and I've never felt so scared, but I know that this is what I want to do, and everything in the past does not even matter. All the mistakes in the past, (and some very right gifts-to-one-self), all led me to this… so…
What do you do to brace yourself for the scary possibility of damnation?
I don't know. Ah. Don't mind me. It's just the pressure building up. Maybe it's got to do with too many Meet The Parents Days.
*Sigh*
Oh yeah, I've got other random stuff to say. And they're a load of bullshit, so please don't mind me.
Mum told me she received a certain parcel (overdue for two years, mind you) from a particular bastard just two days before Chinese New Year, and she refused to pass it to me lest it ruined the NY. I saw his handwriting and gave it a huge laugh. My goodness, not even the decency to be civil and call to say sorry? Shit fuck.
I've got flames from other people everywhere, and obviously you don't have to be a genius to know that you can't please the whole world, and that's not my point of living on earth. But I have this point to put across and this is what I'll say, regarding what I did, I think it's the best thing I ever did for myself, I hurt people in the process, in the process I hurt myself too. I'm not sorry for signing off, but I'm kind of sorry for starting out first, but since I signed off, I think it's a good thing. And I didn't do a fucking damning thing to that particular person, my hands are not all groping around whoever, but narcissism seems to run everywhere recently, so what the heck. Oh well. Obviously I can't reason with anyone who considers a friendly gesture as destructive criticism.
I'm starting a new job, but I heard some news somewhere about something important, so I decided to give someone who I thought was a very good friend a ping to ask about things. The thing about politics at work is how shitty it can be when jealousy and rivalry fall into the picture. Now I don't particularly mind it when we're working head-to-head at each other's necks, but this is absolutely absurd. Thing is, you never know when you'll need me, just like I never know when I'll need you. So tell you what, you can do what you will, I'll do my best to be a sincere help to you, but well, I hope you can stop saying what a fucking fake I am, because whatever happened between you and a very close friend of mine is between the two of you, your failed love story has nothing to do with me… I just hope for your sake you'd behave properly.
Oh yeah, why all that? I'm human, and of course, I give a damn.
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