just minishorts.

Somehow when it's past the witching hour I always think about really horrible thoughts. Just like the other day, I'm at that 'shit things are going wrong' stage, and this insecurity just isn't becoming at all.

Today I picked up my boyfriend after work (for a late dinner), and while I was gripping the steering wheel, the most awful feeling started to envelope me. Like a disgusting veil, it wrapped itself around my heart and I started to tremble and shake. That feeling just slid into me, unwelcome.

'He's going to dump me.'

Don't ask me where that came from. It just happened. I was willing myself to stay calm, and when I finally arrived at his gate, I looked up and there he was, smiling at me, looking eager and happy to see me. Then I told him the problem, when he got into the car.

'You're going to dump me, aren't you?'
'No. My dear, what gave you that idea?
'I just got the feeling.'

The night was quite moody after that. We had dinner, he yakked on the phone with some customers, then we talked for a while. We met up with a mutual friend, joked over a few drinks. I went home. We were on the phone. We had a conversation. And then, we had a really horrid argument. Over the TINIEST matter.

If I repeated it here I would be making fun of the entire relationship. So I'm not going to repeat the core of the argument. But it was really miniscule, not worth a re-issue even.

The whole point of this was to ramble about this stupid insecurity. Why the heck is falling in love so very, very difficult? I would just give anything to stamp an authority of confirmation onto the status of the relationship (shhh… this is very, very different from saying that I want to be hitched to Eric for life), and yet at the same time, there isn't one day that I fear that everything will come to an end.

Oh yeah. Eric reads this blog too. So, you can spare those lines that tell me that in any relationship, there are somethings that CAN be said, and somethings that CAN'T be said. Stuff like what I told him in the car. Or CAN be blogged and CANNOT be blogged. Stuff like what I'm blogging now. Uh. Like I don't already know that?! I can pull out any Tom, Dick and Harry on the road, and he doesn't even have to have dated someone to know this.

Now the contradictory mantra is always, 'If you can't tell your partner things, then how are you going to stay with each other? Communicating is about honesty.'

So. This is as honest as it gets.

Oh, you might also be interested to find out that I'm ALSO wearing a Whisper with Wings Ultra Thin Long pad, so … maybe THAT has contributed to this yo-yo condition of mine.