The dreaded Routine
I have this bad aggression towards the whole concept of 'settling in'. You know, it's crossed the honeymoon, and things are falling into, what Ed aptly calls 'routine'.
Now don't mind me falling into another set of rants. (I do this from time to time yeah, bear with me).
The Pre-Honeymoon Pre-Relationship Period. Trust me, women, at their very core, love being single. It is the time of absolute freedom, when they can proudly be admired by as many men as possible, and have their pick. The power of choice is quite a fantastic one. Unfortunately for many, (yours truly included), there will be one or two stuck-out sore thumbs who profess and swear to pluck the moon out of the sky and make the mermaids in the sea sing songs of wonder for you. Then the hit comes. The, 'Will you go out with me?'
Or 'Can I hold your hand?'
Some take a few days. Others a few years. The normal is about 3-5 months I believe. Phenomenal ones happen in weeks. And everything is like a huge blast of fireworks that never wants to end.
But… but but but… fireworks are expensive, yes and THEY WILL END. Welcome to The Honeymoon. Its nice. Its sweet. Its the first blossoms of spring and life is so beautiful. Seems like its going to be like this forever. Every day its 'Honey Pie Puff' and 'Sugar Baby', 'I love you so much' and 'you taste yummy' … In the mornings he offers to take you to the office, she offers to cook dinner. At nights he calls to say good night, and she says, 'I love you so much.' It's bliss. Never-ending. They promise that they will never fall into complacency and this feeling will never end because they will work at it.
Alas, promises are made to be broken. Honeymoons are destined to end. Routine thuds into the picture. And, oh, what a dreary picture is painted. A fictional example, for example.
Guy goes on one-day business trip. Morning of trip, girl calls guy.
'Be careful.'
'I will.'
'Call me when you get there.'
'I will sms you. Expensive lah.'
First thud. Last time call and talk for 3-4 hours also never mind. My ear want to split already still must hear him talk. NOW? SMS only. Because expensive to call.
Evening of guy's absence, girl sits watching whatever's on TV while reading papers. Waiting for promised call. 11.30 strikes. At least, he calls.
They talk for a while, then he says, 'I need to take a shower. I'll call you back.'
She waits. 12.30 a.m. 1.00 a.m. Second thud. The call-her-back-after-the-shower oath has been forgotten. So she plods into bed. Tired.
Early the next day. End of guy's business trip. Morning. Girl misses guy. Girl calls guy.
'Hi dear.'
'Oh hi dear. I'm still at the hotel.'
'When are you coming home?'
'Maybe around 3. 4. Or earlier. I'll call you. I miss you.'
'I miss you too.'
Routine 'miss-you's. Well, they're NECESSARY anyway.
Time passes. No calls from the guy. It's 4.30. 5 p.m. Girl gets worried. Girl calls guy.
'Hi honey.'
'Hi.'
'You're still there?'
'Oh we're nearing Rawang.
'Oh. Reaching soon?'
'Yeah. Should be in about an hour.'
'Don't drive so fast just to beat the traffic.'
'I won't.'
'Will you be heading home straight or…'
'Well, I'll be dropping off my partner at his house… and then I think I'll head off to the pool bar to play a game with my colleagues.'
Third thud. Where's the necessary 'I miss you'???
Girl says, 'Oh.'
Thud.
'After that we might go for a drink.'
Thud.
'Ah.'
Thud.
'I'll talk to you later lah. Bye bye.'
BIG THUD. It sinks in. The horrible 'settling in' has finally arrived.
Well. I've decided that things are like this.
In the beginning, the guy is interested, the girl is uninterested. He promises the world to her. She is uninterested. She plays cool. Then he promises his time and his heart, and she weakens. Then she agrees. Then they are happy. It is bliss.
And then…
The girl feels guilty. She feels overloved. She feels it is time to do something in return. So she decides to express more of her feeling. After all, they are together now, they must do things for each other. And… alas… the guy decides to play cool.
And you thought girls were possessive? Think again. It's a vicious cycle. Gawd, when will we ever learn?
April 15th, 2005 at 3:50 am
I like the way you wrote this.
April 15th, 2005 at 9:53 am
Bahaha…babes, I expected a more ranting rant if you get what I mean. Still…you’re right, Chooks. When will we ever learn eh? Keh.
April 15th, 2005 at 10:30 am
my opinion is that you have to look beyond the honeymoon period. most of the time couples want to remember what it was like… the first kiss… the chase… the first movie. they want the same excitement… same everything.
you must learn to GROW the relationship in new areas. sure, you won’t always be as “mushy” as before… but there are new cool things you can learn about each other and FROM each other. I don’t always talk “pillow talk” with my fiancee these days… but she knows I love spending every second of the day with her. Even if she’s reading and I’m sleeping… as long as we are together… I am at ease. I call her my relaxant. The smell… the voice (when she sings or hums)… *aaaahhhh sooooooothing.*
be realistic about which direction the relationship is going to go… don’t want it to be the same… want it to be MORE…
April 15th, 2005 at 11:10 am
Hey Chookie, gotta agree with AWM up there.
Relationship grows and grows into a different area. Sad fact of life, maybe, but reality nonetheless. One *can* continue with the constant barrage of I-love-yous and I’ll-call-yous even after the honeymoon period, but after a while it felt like what you refer to as a necessity.
What can one do to keep the flame burning? It grew into care, caring for each other, caring for the kids the two lovers bear. It grew into a genuine intent to share life for eternity. There’s no need to say I-love-yous anymore. When two people’s lives are so intertwine, its understood.
April 15th, 2005 at 11:35 am
Nice post, as always
But I’ll have to disagree about the ‘routine miss-yous’. ‘I miss yous’ and ‘I love yous’ should never, ever be a routine thing to say. That spells the beginning of the end of the r’ship.
In my opinion, honeymoons need not end. It’s really up to the couple to spice up their relationship and to prevent dreariness from setting in. It’s called ‘commitment’.
April 15th, 2005 at 11:38 am
Totally agree with AWM. my fiance and I are not as “passionate” as b4, but knowing where we came from and where we are heading keep our relationship stronger than ever.
have goals to achieve together! it’s fun and satisfying when you can tick 1 item off your goals list.
like wine, relationships need to mature and grow, and this process takes a life time, sometimes it’s painful even, but u know at the end of day, it’s worth it all, bcos the both of u hav sweated and put in effort to build a solid foundation for ur relationship.
have fun and God bless!
April 15th, 2005 at 12:15 pm
If you think now is bad, wait till you see when the relationship progress further… not saying that it’s bad. It will come a time when you will be relieved when your partner is away for a while. You will have some time truely on your own and doing your own things without having to think about your partner.
For me it is a good thing that once a while both of us are away. It reinforce our feelings for each other. If you or your partner does not feel this away…. I guess it is time to move on…..
April 15th, 2005 at 2:38 pm
Kenny Sia, good post.
Not all relationships are doomed because the “mushy” stuff is over. I’ve taken mine to a different level. The Jedi Master level… hehehe. We use mind control and ESP… and we know what we are thinking without even saying it. Just kidding.
… instead of saying it… we practice it. We do things for each other… there’s no 50-50. I think she does more for me than I do for her. Hahaha… that’s why I am marrying her.
April 15th, 2005 at 2:55 pm
I agree with your post. So so true …
April 18th, 2005 at 4:12 am
Have they really found love then? Where it is physically painful to be apart? Where words arent necessary? Or are all the “check off list” items more important?
Many people find their true love later in life, wishing they hadnt “settled”.
April 18th, 2005 at 4:13 am
Sorry! Got errors on previous posting attepts!
June 21st, 2005 at 10:40 am
*sigh…*
August 17th, 2005 at 5:20 pm
so true…
great comment kenny