just minishorts.

Kids-friendlier than the last.

Hansel and Gretel's mother died when they were born (at the same time, both wanting to exit into the human world AT THE SAME TIME) and henceforth their father found it difficult to attend to crying twins who just wouldn't shut-the-fuck up no matter how often he yelled at them. So in a desperate effort to discipline the brats, he married the local headmistress.

At first, things were good, because the brats did look as if they were finally behaving themselves. Alas, this was short-lived, because they pretended to be nice on the front (and also because they were scared of the fierce-looking headmistress), but inside, really, they were naughty. Not bad, but very, very naughty.

One day, the stepmother decided to do something really drastic to discipline the two and teach them a lesson, so to speak. So, she said to her husband, 'Look, you and me both know we married not for love, but for the sake of your two stupid brats. And I'm not doing anything good for them. I say we teach them a lesson.'

'But what lesson can we possibly teach them?' asked the man, eager to utilize any option at hand.

'Listen,' and the stepmother proceeded to tell her husband about her lesson plan for the next day.

Next morning, the kids were each given a basket of bread and told that they were going out on a picnic to watch Mother Nature at work. Their stepmother gave them a very brief lecture on the do's and don'ts of going on walks through woods.

'Now Hansel and Gretel, remember what I have told you,' she said.

The two replied in a sing-song chant, 'Follow your lead, hold each's hands; not to skip, not to leap, walk ahead, heads up straight.'

'And…?'
'Not to sprinkle breadcrumbs on the ground, 'else birds will come and peck them all…'
'And…?'
'Not to answer to any stranger and not to buy porn from the DVD seller.'
'Some more leh?'
'To call out to you whenever the sign "Big Sale" comes in sight.'

Satisfied that her two stepchildren were able to recite her outing rules flawlessly, the stepmother said, 'Clever children. Come let's go.'

And they went skipping down the yellow brick road that led to the woods in Fairytale-land.

Unfortunately, Hansel, and Gretel were not very good children and everything that their stepma said not to do was something that they just had to do. So Hansel started to pick at his bread and the crumbs just fell and fell to the ground. Gretel saw a cottage with the sign 'Big Sale', but she decided to just seal her mouth and walk with a slouch. There wasn't any DVD seller walking past them though, so rest assured the kids didn't buy any porn.

And because the two did not follow their stepmother's lead, after a while, Hansel and Gretel soon found that they were both lost.

'She's not here anymore,' said Hansel first, noticing that their mother was no longer walking in the front.
'I saw a signboard that said "Big Sale" behind,' Gretel offered.
'Where?'
'Behind lah… cannot remember already.'
'Urm. So how now?'
'I think we're lost.'
'I think so too.'

The sky was getting darker, and their stepmother was nowhere in sight. The shadows of the forest trees were falling upon them, and dinner-time was approaching.

'Hungry-lah,' said Gretel first, finally giving in to the rumble in her belly.
'Me too,' said Hansel.
'So how?'
'Dunno.'
'Got bread or not.'
'I was picking at it just now so the birds have eaten the fallen crumbs I think. I thought you had a basket too.'
'Stepma took my basket.'

Well, now they had nothing to eat and nowhere to go, the poor children were very, very scared.

Then, they saw it, a light, just not too far away

'There's a light there!' cried Hansel, pleased to find shelter. 'Come let's walk towards it.'

A short while later, they arrived at a very quaint little cottage. At first glance, the cottage looked quite normal, just like any other cottage. As they approached the building and things got into focus, they thought that it was odd that there was a very pungent smell coming out from the building. The entire building looked as if were made from chocolate.

'Is it made of chocolate?' Gretel whispered to her brother.
'It looks like chocolate.'
'It doesn't smell like chocolate. It smells like rotten fish.'
'Well, someone must live in there. Let's just go and knock on the door and ask for some food,' said Hansel finally, grabbing his sister's hand and walking towards the door.

They were about to knock on the door when it opened with a burst. A huge orange-striped cat leaped out, followed by a very big man with an enormous rolling pin.

'YOU STUPID CAT!' shrieked the man. The two children were so shocked, they toppled over, and the cat disappeared into the woods. The big man walked around his compound saying, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty,' but the cat was long gone. Finally, he turned around and saw the two children, who were just trying to stand up.

'Oh! Children!' said the man. 'What can I do for you, my dears?'

Hansel, as the older, said first, 'Sir, we're lost, and we'd like to have some food, please.'

'And if you permit, sir, a telephone for us to call our stepma,' added Gretel earnestly.

'Come, come, come in,' said the man. 'I was just making dinner when that stupid cat came in and stole my luncheon meat. But I've other dishes, if you don't mind. And don't call me sir, call me Uncle Belacan.'

At this, the children stared at each other. They now understood, that this strange man's house, was made not of chocolate, but of pungent-smelling belacan! How odd!

Even odder was the layout of dishes on the dining table. Every single dish was cooked with belacan! There was Kangkung Belacan, Nasi Goreng Kampung Belacan, Petai Belacan (this one stank horribly) and Sambal Udang Belacan.

At the sight of the dishes, children decided they were not hungry anymore. Like most children, they hated belacan completely, just as much as they hated fruits like durian, or soya products like Smelly Beancurd. Their appetites dwindled.

Hansel quickly said, 'Errr… Uncle Belacan, on second thoughts, could we borrow your phone?'

The kind man smiled, 'Ah of course. You want to call your mummy? She's got a handphone, yes, no?'

They dialled for their stepmother, who had indeed gone to the Big Sale. A few minutes later, she was at the house, apologizing profusely on behalf of her children.

'So sorry, so sorry,' said the stepmother. 'My children are very kurang ajar, did they do anything bad?'

Uncle Belacan said, 'Oh, no no, not at all. They just look scared. But please, please do stay for dinner.'

To their horror, their stepmother agreed to have dinner with the strange uncle with the fascination for belacan! They pretended to be full, and their hungry stomachs were never filled. And to top it up, they spent the entire night breathing through their mouths and by the time they got home, even two hours in the hot shower would not rub the smell of belacan off them.

It was a very hard lesson learnt, for not being obedient.

From that day onwards, Hansel and Gretel, became very good twins. They always walked after their stepmother, and listen to what she said. But whenever their stepmother suggested a visit to the kind Uncle Belacan's belacan-built cottage, they would feign sickness and go without dinner.

The End.

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