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Snow White and the Seven Little Men

Filed under Anecdotes

So I got bored.

When Fairytale-land had its inaugural Miss Fairytale Princess pageant, the evil stepmother was horrified to find her pesky little black-hair, skin-as-white-as-snow stepdaughter was voted ‘The Most Beautiful Woman’ in the entire nation. She stormed into the tower, and pulled the velvet covers off her beloved magic mirror.

‘Oh, Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them?’ she moaned vainly.

The mirror said, ‘Woman, I told you you were going to lose the pageant, you didn’t listen. For God’s sake, you’re a QUEEN, not a Princess, and you’re a Mrs, not a Miss!’

The stupid queen tossed her blonde head and sighed so loudly that the mirror took pity on her and said, ‘Now what?’

‘Oh, Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, I still want to be the fairest of them all.’
‘Go bleach yourself to be fair. There’s Fair and Lovely, although some say, that SK II Facial Treatment Essence not only makes you as white as alabaster, it will also make your skin go “doink doink” if you press on it.’
‘OK, but I want to get rid of Snow White still.’

‘Hmmm,’ thought the mirror for a while. ‘Send her away lor.’

So the queen did precisely that.

Poor pretty Snow White, with her-skin-as-white-as-snow was wailing when she was sent out of the castle into the dark woods. Her tears flowed freely and she felt as if her heart was going to break.

But Snow White was a strong lady, and she decided that she would live as happily as she could, despite no being able to reign as Fairytale Princess any more. After a while she arrived in a clearing in the woods, and there was a very cute little house whose roof was just slightly over her head.

‘What a cute little house!’ said Snow White, and like the typical spoilt Princess that she was, decided to walk into the house without even knocking on the door.

The deco inside was almost as cute. Cute, because everything was in miniature size, the tables, the chairs, the tables; almost, because it was very messy, almost as if seven drunkards were high on booze before they decided to go to work in the morning, and there was the stench of alcohol all over the place.

At least Snow White loved cleanliness, so she decided to do the owners a little favour—she cleaned up the house. She swept, she polished, she mopped, she washed, and it was only whenshe was finally done did she realize that there were seven sets of everything (in cute miniature sizes) in the cute little house.

‘Seven little people must live in this place,’ thought Snow White. And then she gave a little yawn, and decided that she must take a rest. She walked into the bedroom (which she had cleaned up), and pushed the beds together to make one big bed, and with another yawn, she fell ‘plunk’ into the bed, and started to snore.

The dwarfs, who owned the little house, were in fact quite hamsap little fellas. They even had their very own ‘marching’ song, and I tell you, that was the most screwed up song you could ever hear of in the entire Fairytale-land (so next time, please don’t let your kids listen to it). Every time it was allowed for them to stop the mine-digging and go home, the leader of the pack would go, ‘Heigh-ho!’

And they would sing and sing the horrid song (completely unabridged, by the way, please use your imagination, it really is quite screwed) all the way home.

We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig in our mine the
whole day through
To dig dig dig dig dig dig dig is what we really like to do
It ain't no trick to get rich quick
If you dig dig dig with a shovel or a pick
In a mine! In a mine! In a mine! In a mine!
Where a million diamonds shine!

We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig from early morn till night
We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig up everything in sight
We dig up diamonds by the score
A thousand rubies, sometimes more
But we don't know what we dig 'em for
We dig dig dig a-dig dig

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's home from work we go

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho hum

Heigh-ho

Today they reached home and to their gleeful surpise, they found Snow White sprawled across their seven beds, snoring like a baby.

Happy was the first to speak up. ‘A babe! In our bed!’
Sleepy said, ‘I’m feeling sleepy.’
Sneezy said, ‘She’s so luscious I feel like I can sneeze on her.’
Grumpy went, ‘Don’t you dare. She’s mine.’
Dopey said, ‘You think she can feel me or not?’
Bashful said, ‘I think I’m kind of small…’

Finally, the cleverest of them all, Doc, said, ‘Kids, it is always good to share a good thing. Sharing is caring.’

And then, they started to sing another version of their screwed up song (this is abridged):

We will lick lick lick lick lick lick her tits the whole day through
To lick lick lick lick lick lick lick is what we really like to do
It ain't no trick to get hard quick
If you lick lick lick with a finger or a dick
In her mine! In her mine! In her mine! In her mine!
Where a million sperms will shine!

Because they sang so loudly, Snow White woke up with a loud shock, and at the sight of the seven hamsap dwarfs, she started to scream. But it was no mistaking the hungry look on the seven ugly faces, and poor little Snow White curled into a corner, praying as hard as she could for a handsome prince to save the day.

Just then, there was the loud sound of a shotgun bang.

‘You seven amigos! It is not nice to scare the pretty lady,’ said a booming voice.

All seven heads and the pretty skin-as-white-as-snow face looked up to see a guy in a cowboy hat.

Bashful was first, ‘Oh. Hello!’
Dopey was next, ‘Your hat, so cute!’
Grumpy growled, ‘Get out of the house.’
Happy was nicer, ‘Came to join the fun?’
Sneezy sneezed in shock, ‘Ah—tish—shoo!’
Sleepy yawned.

And the cleverest of them all, Doc, said, ‘Who are you?’

The visitor said, ‘My name is Cowboy Caleb, from the island down south, and I am here to stop this disgusting behaviour. Get away from the girl.’

Doc, the official smart-ass spokesperson of the seven dwarfs, said again, ‘We ain’t never heard of some Cowboy Caleb. Get the hell out of our house.’

‘Only if the girl leaves with me.’
‘But we’re not done with her yet!’
‘You don’t interfere with something that ain’t bothering you none,’ said the Cowboy, reloading his shotgun. ‘You touch a single hair of hers and I will make sure your seven little birds will go flying out the window there.’

By this time, Snow White had rushed to the brave man’s side.

Doc said to the rest, ‘Looks like we’re in a hole. It’s time to let her go.’

They nodded, fearful at the thought that their birds would go flying away.

The Cowboy said again, ‘Now you ugly little dwarfs, remember that every time you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.’

They all said in unison, ‘Yes, sir.’

‘And you don’t touch pretty girls with skin-as-white-as-snow.’
‘Yes sir!’
‘Now get move away, and stop singing that song.’

The dwarfs nodded and obeyed, and moved aside to give way to Cowboy Caleb and Snow White the babe.

With that, Cowboy Caleb, with his new-found skin-as-white-as-snow babe friend, made their way into the forest. Now that they were both dwarf-less and stepmother-less, they lived happily ever after.