Archive for May, 2005

If there was one thing that The Big Bad Wolf was good at, it was being evil. Even being defeated in the notorious Little Red Riding Hood scandal didn't do a thing to change his evil ways, and he still went around terrorizing the peace-loving citizens of Fairytale-land.

So happens that one fine day The Big Bad Wolf was resting under a tree ready to roast a bunch of trembling earthworms for his mid-morning snack, when he heard the sound of tapping feet approaching. There were squeals of giggles, and occasionally, an 'oink oink' here and an 'oink oink' there.

'Pigs!' thought the wolf, overturning his panful of worms. His ears were now perked to their tips, and his smacked his lips against each other. Peering from behind the tree, he saw not just one, but three little pigs trotting gleefully across a wooden bridge. He was elated.

'A good lunch shall I have, and perhaps Bakuteh for dinner, and if I be lucky, bacon for tomorrow's breakfast.'

And with that, he set out on all fours and trailed the three unsuspecting little pigs to their destinations.

They first arrived at a little house made all out of straw. It had a pretty little holes for windows, and the dry grass was flying everywhere and all around.

'By golly,' said the wolf to himself. 'It looks as if a huge gust of wind is all it would take to bring down that thingie!'

Only one little pig went into this house, and his elder brothers said goodbye to him. They went oinking down the yellow brick road, and The Big Bad Wolf now decided it was time for him to say hello.

'Hello!' he boomed, just as the little pig had entered the door. The cute little thang looked out of the window, chattering to his little toes. 'How are you today?'

'I'm good. I'm going to sleep. Goodbye and go away.'
'Come, come, let me in, little pig. I just want to, have lunch with you.'
'I've had lunch with my brothers, thank you very much.'
'Little pig, little pig, please let me in. I'll be nice, I promise.'

You know what the pig said. 'No, no, no! By the hair of my chinny chin chin, I will NOT let you in!'

And the wolf said, 'Well then, I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll bring your house down.'

So he huffed and he puffed and with one strong blowing gust, The Big Bad Wolf brought the whole house down, and there he had it, his lunch for the day.

Or so he thought.

I bet you don't know this, but pigs can run pretty fast. The poor little homeless pig now ran with all the strength in his chinny chin chin and he soon arrived at his brother's house, which was made entirely out of sticks. He zipped in through the door, and slammed it shut, panting and panting.

'Oink!' cried his second brother. 'Apa jadi?'

'Got…pant pant…wolf… pant pant… outside the house!'

There was a sharp and hard knock on the door. The sticks that held the house together rattled against each other flimsily. Now the wolf said, 'Come, come, why did you run away?'

'You're going to eat me!' cried the youngest pig.
'No I'm not!' lied the wolf.
'Yes you are.'
'Am not!'
'You are!'
'Come, come, little pig, little pig. I'm just going to have lunch with your friend and you. Please let me in.'

Now BOTH the little pigs said this, 'No, no, no! By the hairs on our chinny chin chins, we will NOT let you in! Now get lost!'

'I will NOT!' cried the wolf. 'I'll just huff and puff and this whole house is going to come rattling down!'

And he did it again! He huffed, he puffed, and that flimsy little house just went down to the ground. But not before the two frightened little pigs went zipping out through the back door and running with all the strength in their chinny chin chins to the big brother's house, which was made up of BRICKS.

The second brother knocked on the door frantically. 'Let us in! Let us in!'

A stranger opened the door.

'Who are you!' cried the pigs at this shocking sight.

'I'm Suanie.'
'What do you here?'
'I see Big Bad Wolf coming, coming! Come in, what are you waiting for?'

They got in, she slammed the door shut. They turned around, Big Brother Piggy was not around. They stared at Suanie, she stared at them, and then suddenly

There was a sharp and hard knock on the door. It was the wolf, and he boomed, 'Come, come, now why did the two of you run away?'

'Oink! Oink! You were going to eat us!' cried both the pigs.

'You were?' exclaimed Suanie in shock. 'Shame on you!'

To the horror of the three two little pigs, Suanie opened the door , wide.

The Big Bad Wolf was now only a metre away, and he was salivating like a very hungry doggie.

'Shame on you, you Big Bad Wolf. How can you bully little pigs like this!' cried Suanie.

The wolf was mightily annoyed. He had to reason this out. 'I bully little pigs, because I want to eat little pigs.'

A puzzled air swept across teh suan's face, and she asked, 'But why do you want to eat little pigs?'

'Because I can.'
'And you cannot not eat little pigs?'
'No cannot.'
'Why cannot?'
'Because I'm a Big Bad Wolf.'
'So?'
'And Big Bad Wolves eat little pigs.'
'Says who?'
'Says The Great Book.'
'What Great Book?'
'The Great Book of Nature!'
'And The Great Book of Nature tells you that…'
'…that wolves are born to eat little pigs, so little pigs shall I eat.'
'And if The Great Book of Nature tells you that wolves are born to eat their dicks, your dick shall you eat?'

Suanie stared at the Big Bad Wolf like he was the stupidest person in the whole universe. Finally, the wise lady said,

'It is true that the powers of marketing and branding are strong. Yet thou shalt not unnecessarily waste your hard earned money on inferior products. Who said that The Great Book of Nature was the only book in the market? Did you? Did you? Have you tried all the other Great Books available in the market?'

The Wolf blinked once.

'No right? No right? Tiuuuuuu!' Suanie got so pissed at the Wolf's stunned silence, she showed him the finger.

The Wolf blinked thrice and thrice and thrice. Suanie calmed down. She closed her eyes, and then she spoke again:

'Hereforth, I shall spout a few chosen words from the Kalamas Sutra. Now listen carefully you silly wolf before throwing every reason you have for sinning on The Great Book of Nature.

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.
Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.
Do not believe anything because it is spoken and rumored by many.
Do not believe in anything because it is written in your religious books.
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.
Rely not on the teacher or person, but on the teaching.
Rely not on the words of the teaching, but on the spirit of the words.
Rely not on theory, but on experience.

Faham kah?'

The Wolf blinked twice. Then he said. 'I think so. But what am I going to eat if I don't eat little pigs?'

'Thou shall not kill.'
'Then eat what?'
'Eat… apples.'
'Apples? But why apples?'
'Because they taste sweet and nice, and give you better breath. You have halitosis, by the way, and I'm doing you a favour.'
'Okay.'
'You may go.'
'Okay.'
'Don't come back again.'
'Okay.'
'Bye bye.'
'Okay.'

The Wolf walked away a converted vegetarian, no longer subscribing strictly to the theories and teachings of The Great Book of Nature. He knew now that he had the gift of being good too, and it wasn't necessary to eat little pigs, for apples were a possible option.

He was now, enlightened, thanks to Suanie.

I was going to say 'The End', but we still have two little pigs, and a missing pig to account for.

Suanie turned around to face the three two little pigs. The youngest pig remained quiet as his brother spoke up, 'Thank you Suanie, but pray tell us, where's our Big Brother?'

'Big Brother is not here,' said Suanie, simply.
'What happened to him?'
'He decided to go back.'
'Go back where?'
'To the Force.'
'What Force?'
'The One Great Force that resides in all of you. He went back.'
'Huh?'

Where did the little pig go? I seriously don't know. That, you need to find out, from Suanie, the one who knows.

The End. For Real.