Once upon a time, in a land not far away from here, there lived a young girl whose name was called Jill. Jill had a boyfriend, his name was Jack, and this is what the story is all about, Jack, and his legendary beanstalk.

But I'll tell you what happened before first, so that you get a clearer picture.

What happened was, one fine day,

Jack and Jill went up a hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after…

…which, she kick the pail, and you know when people kick the pail bucket, they die and that's it. Obviously Jack was devastated when he heard the news. He stood outside his house, five beans that Jill had given to him as a symbol of her love, looking up to the heavens above. His head was bowed, and he saw a pile of poo on the ground, and he thought.

'Jill, I love you. And because of these, your seeds of love I shall sow upon this poo. May they grow and blossom, as a sign that our love will never end,' sobbed Jack as he buried seeds in the pile of poo.

After that he went back to bed with his broken crown and heart and cried himself to sleep, bless the poor man.

…

A few days later, Jack woke up, with his crown cured, and he was astonished to see a humongous taller-than-KLCC beanstalk growing outside.

'The beans! Jill has sent her love. Her love! Her beans have grown a beanstalk, and now I can climb to Heaven to meet my Jill.'

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, Jack jumped over a candlestick and he leaped out of his door with a bag full of goodies and food to lead him on his hike up the humongous taller-than-KLCC beanstalk.

He climbed, he climbed, and he climbed, and he kept on thinking of his beloved Jill in Heaven. The thought of him reaching Heaven to meet his love again fueled the week-long hike, and finally, he arrived at the tip of the beanstalk.

'Finally! I have arrived! I have come for my beloved Jill! Afterwhich we can go climbing the hills in heaven where they are always alive with the sound of music!' he cried in ecstacy.

Well, as we all already know, Jack was very wrong. Instead of arriving in heaven, he had arrived in Fairytale-land. In fact, the moment he arrived, he heard a loud boom. No, he heard a very loud boom-boom-boom.

They were the footsteps of a very ugly giant with very smelly feet, and he was chanting at the top of his voice

Fee Fie Fo Fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman
Be he alive, or be he dead,
I'll grind his bones to make my bread.

Jack could feel the hairs rising on his back. There wasn't any other English fella around and there he was, standing in the open plains of some strange not-on-Earth land. And to top it up, a giant bigger than his entire house seemed to be walking straight towards him. Frantically, he scurried around the open fields, trying to find a place to hide.

Just then, he saw a little hut, and he ran like a flying dart towards it. He opened the door, rushed inside, slammed the door panting and tried his bestest to keep his voice low.

And then he smelt it. The distinct, unmistakable stench of human excretion. Jack's reflexes kicked in immediately, and his fingers went up to cover his nose and mouth.

There was someone else in the hut. No no. It wasn't a hut. It was a toilet. And someone was doing his big business in it.

'Shit…' thought Jack. 'Wrong place.'

The other occupant went 'Uugggh!'

'Shit shit shit…' Jack said out loud.

'What the fuck are you doing here?' muttered the other guy, obviously trying very hard to, well, excrete. 'Go find somewhere else to shit!'

Outside, the giant's footsteps were still thumping around the plains, and the ludicrous chanting about Englishman's blood went on like it were his religious mantra.

'That big guy out there's looking for me. I'm the only English guy around,' whispered Jack, his hands still covering half his face. His face was crumpled up into a complete mess, but rather than face his bones being ground to be baked as bread, better this shithole than going out there, thought he.

'Ughh…' the shitting dude said. 'Wait… wait… I can feel it coming… a big motherfucking piece of shit is about to be born….'

The giant's footsteps were louder and louder. Jack's knees banged against each other in fear. Here he was, in the worst of places, stucked between a guy who was obviously having very badass contractions and was rich with all the descriptions in the world to describe the attack of his brown rebels… and outside, a giant with a dick that was probably the size of his entire body length was hunting him down to grind him up as bread.

'Die, die, die…' muttered Jack. Then he tried to chant a prayer, but the stench in the toilet was completely overpowering.

'Shut up. Just one more…' muttered the shitting dude. 'I'll save your life, you bet I will… but cover up your nose and breath through your mouth. Try not to gag, and you'll love me for life.'

Jack obediently obeyed (there was hardly any other choice but to, anyway), and the dude stood up, inspected his underwear for some radioactive contamination, and opened the door.

They were now fully exposed before the hungry Englishman-hunting giant, and he now stood before the tiny humans, grinning from ear to ear,

'Fee Fi Fo Fum,
I found the Englishman's big bum!
And look, behold, can I be right?
Beside him stands a famous Penangite!'

'Ooi!' screeched poor Jack through his teeth. 'Flush the toilet, will you?'

'Don't shout my surname in vain. My real name's Michael Ooi, and the force is strong with me.'

The next thing that happened before Jack's eyes was completely out of this world. Even the giant stood stunned to see what Michael was doing.

Michael had closed his eyes, his palms were facing up. His entire body seemed to have entered an ethereal trance, and then, he waved his arm in a single sweeping gesture.

The toilet bowl sputtered, and the entire bowlful of Mike's excrement went flying into the air in a perfect projectile trajectory.

'SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT!'

The shit splatted all over the giant, poor thing, bless his soul. And now the poor shit-splattered giant mumbled through his shit-filled mouth as it had dribbled all over his head and flowed down his cheeks straight into his mouth.

'Fee Fi Fum Foo
I smell the stench of Michael's poo
No longer shall I have my Englishman bread
For now I think I'm better off dead!'

With that, the man-eating giant fell to the ground with a thunderous 'PIAK!'

Jack was stunned, Jack was amazed, and thoughts of Jill disappeared in a jiffy. He was alive, and this amazing person whose force was strong with him had saved his fragile life. He was in awe, and he bowed at his saviour humbly.

'Sir,…'
'Ooi. Michael Ooi.'
'Ooi, you have saved my life.'
'Call me Michael please, it's not polite to call me just Ooi.'
'Michael, you have saved my life.'
'Aiyah. What saved your life lah. How the fuck did you get all the way here, that's my question.'
'I came here to see my Jill. I climbed a very tall beanstalk that had grown out of the beans and that is how I arrived here.'

'Beanstalk?' A single eyebrow popped upwards.

'Yes, you see. My Jill kicked the bucket, and in devastation I planted five beans which she had given to me as a symbol of her everlasting love. I prayed that they would grow and flourish and they did. They grew into a taller-than-KLCC beanstalk.'

Michael was silent in his thoughts. Then he remembered what had happened. Finally, he said.

'You planted them where?'
'In a pile of poo, just outside my house.'
'I see.'
'Why?'
'Well. It wasn't her beans that was magical. It was my amazing rich-with-the-force-poo. Anything that is planted in it will grow huge and taller than KLCC.'

Jack's jaw dropped.

'Cannot be,' said Jack. 'How can your shit fly all the way from this place to where I stay? Does not make any sense to me, Michael.'

Michael grinned and said, 'I am a fully sponsored member of The Aviation Sports Club of Penang (ASCP). I even have a car sticker to prove it.'

He showed it to Jack.

'As you can see, my shit flew all the way to outside your house, and your beloved Jill's beans have flourished and grown into that beanstalk.'

Jack was speechless.

'Come. I haven't welcomed you to this place. Let me take you out for a drink,' said the kind Michael Ooi. 'You probably need a jug of beer to flush out that shock.'

The End.