Seeing it is an important day in Blogtopia (yes today I'm official a high-ranking Blogtopia-officer), I remembered that I owe the world a Bedtime Story.
This is going to be one of my signature very-long-posts.
***
I'll let you guys into a well-kept secret of Fairytale-land:
Remember Cinderella, that lucky sleep-by-the-fireplace babe with the fairy godmother?
She was partially deaf.
No seriously.
She was quite clueless when it came to hearing the right things, and THAT made her falter a lot.
Well, she was PRETTY, I can give you that, a babe, and her deafness also allowed an air of quiet calm around her, and THAT was very very attractive. To men, mostly.
She was the epitome of how you could say, 'Girls should be seen and not heard.'
Yeah. That's Cindy for you. Demure, quiet, and quite clueless about most things.
***
Now the other secret: her stepmother wasn't really that bad.
Neither were her sisters, kay?
Now come on, you've just got to cut them some slack. First of all, Cindy was the prettier one. Obviously girls get jeles. I can understand that one.
Secondly, she didn't say anything, and yet the men still came near their house just to take a peer at her heavenly, demure yet shrouded in quiet calm beauty.
And thirdly, she had a normal name. The other two. Uh huh. Terrible names. Their parents decided to be 'original' and named them in order of the letters of the alphabet. Uhuh. You know, A for the first born, B for the second and the third and last, C (Cinderella).
So the eldest ugly sister was called Amberilla. In short, stepmother always screamed 'Amby! Amby!'
Second ugly sister was called, of all things, Ballerina. Wow. So clever. And the poor girl, the mother screamed 'Bally! Bally' all the time.
Cinderella was LUCKY. Her name got truncated to a simple 'Cindy'.
Now get the reason why the sisters hated her so much?
***
But then, you thought her Stepmum was so bad to keep Cindy at home while they frolicked at the Ball?
PUHLEEZE. Aunty Ella had her reasons for the punishment. And very justified reasons too.
It all happened, just four days before the ball.
The entire family was invited to the ball, really. Even Cindy. But four days before the ball, just before the girls were to get their new dresses, Stepmother asked the girls to do some basic chores.
You know. Chores. The kind of things that all girls have to do.
So Cindy's stepmum said to the eldest daughter, Amberilla, 'Amby dear, please mop the floor.'
Amberilla being the obedient darling she was, mopped the floor and got her pretty as pink dress. Sure she was fat, sure she was ugly, but at least, she had a pretty dress to wear to the Ball.
Cindy's stepmum said to the second daugther, Ballerina, 'Bally dear, please wash the toilets.'
And Ballerina, being a light as a fiddle and DAMN good at cleaning toilet bowls, use Jiff and Toilet Duck and polished the sinks and bowls till they shone so brightly, you could see the reflection of your face grinning back at you. Sure she was clumsy, sure she was hideous, but baby, if you do the chores well, you get a nice pretty purple dress to wear to the Ball.
Knowing what a silly girl Cinderella was, her stepmum said in a shrill, loud and clear voice to the girl, 'Cindy dear, please clean up the pantry. Make sure you don't break the jars in there.'
Cindy dear heard it as, 'Please brush the panties. Don't forget the bras.'
She briskly went to her stepmum's cupboards and took out every single piece of sexy lingerie kept in there. And then she used a VERY VERY rough brush and brushed every thing.
EVERY DARN THING.
EVEN THE LACY ONES.
You know, those thingies from Victoria Secrets, and Pour Moi Triumph that go for at least RM200 for just the Bra.
She brushed every single darn thing. With all her strength. She brushed until there was nothing left to be brushed.
Wah lau.
All koyak. Because the deaf girl went and scrub hard-hard on the flimsy materials.
Fuiyoh. HOW CLEVER.
***
Sigh.
Of course she got grounded. I mean, if someone came along and took every single piece of my underwear and scrubbed all the pretty lace out of them, I'd have a fit!
That's why Cindy had no dress to wear to the Ball. No Ball to attend.
That's why her Stepmum ordered her to go sit by the fireplace and think about what she had done.
***
Well. Everyone had left for the Ball, leaving poor little Cindy to cry by the fireplace.
'No clothes to wear. No Ball to go to. No prince to see. Sniff sniff…' she sobbed to herself. 'All because I brushed Mummy's lacy panties. Like she asked me too… well… I didn't hear her properly. I didn't. I didn't. It isn't my fault that I'm partially deaf. Not my fault.'
Just then, a sudden BOOM startled the shit out of her. She jumped back in horror, and right in front of the fireplace, was a weird-looking, dunno-man-or-woman person.
Cindy's jaw dropped at the sight of the weird being.
'Ohayo!' cried the creature. Ok. It was androgenous. A damn fugly looking one too, with the voice of a man. For this reason we'll address it as a 'he', yeah? 'Babes… you crying, no?'
The poor deaf girl didn't hear a damn thing. She just stared blankly at the dude.
'I'm here to help you.'
'Huh?'
'HELP YOU!' he shrieked.
'Oh.'
'You want to go to the ball?'
'No I don't want to play ball. I want to go to the ball. '
'OKAY! YOU WANT TO GO TO THE BALL!'
She nodded vigorously, oh the poor deaf girl.
'I CAN HELP YOU!'
'You can't help me?'
'I CAN… I WILL HELP YOU!'
'Oh you will help me?'
She smiled now. But then, she wonder how could a rubbish-bag wearing thingie that poofed out of the fireplace be able to help her, so she ask, 'How are you going to help me?'
'Oh. EASY! I am your fairy godmother!'
'Huh?'
'I am your fairy godmother!'
'My fucky godmother?'
'No no no … your very own FAIRY GODMOTHER.'
'My motherfucking mother? Huh? My mother's dead and she never did fuck any mothers.'
Oh dear. Communication breakdown. Our resident Fairy Godmother blew up, 'Oi. NOT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING GODMOTHER LAH IDIOT, YOU FAIRY GODMOTHER! FAIRY GODMOTHER! F-A-I-R-Y GODMOTHER!'
Then only the poor deaf girl faham.
Die. Wanna do magic trick also susah. But our resident Fairy Godmother was still nice enough to conjure up the nicest essentials for the babe to take to the Ball. He jumped up, he jumped down, he jumped everywhere and all about, and said a million trillion aweful sounding spells just to make all the fun things appear.
He turned the kitchen mice into horses.
He turned a huge-ass watermelon pumpkin into a carriage.
Damn lucky, the girl, I tell you.
He made a damn-kau beeeyootiifuulll dress, with frills, can-cans and complete with inner lacy panties and half-cup bra, and she looked EXACTLY like the pretty demure quiet little princess that she was soon to become.
And he made her a pair of pretty high-helled sandals, made out of the lightest see-through fibre glass in the world. (It was fibre glass, glass would have just broken into a million pieces.)
'Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you thank you thank you!' she cried, over and over again, twirling round and round in her pretty blue dress. As she climbed up the carriage to make her way to the Ball, she turned around and blew a flying kiss to the Fairy Godmother.
'YOU BE CAREFUL NOW,' cried the Fairy Godmother in the loudest voice that he could muster. 'YOU GET BACK BEFORE TWELVE MIDNIGHT TONIGHT. YOU GET BACK BEFORE TWELVE MIDNIGHT! OTHERWISE BAD BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN!'
At least she heard that.
And when the Fairy Godmother saw the carriage speed away in the night, he sank down into the sofa, next to the fireplace, and poured himself a thick shot of Jim Beam, not caring for the horrid scratch in his voicebox from all the shouting.
'Darn that chick. Stupid girl should get some hearing aids… gah…' he sighed loudly and drowning himself in a well-deserved whiskey binge for all the pains that he had to go through, just to make little Cindy's dreams come true.
***
Obviously there's more to this story. Cindy got to the ball, and she was stunned by the beauty of the place. But bless the girl and her lack of hearing sense, she didn't really have a good time.
She did, however, wore a look of immense blurness at the place, and she looked a jewel in the palace.
What happened?
We'll find out in part two.
***
About the featured blogger: The Fairy Godmother is bigfuck, from across the causeway. Now blogging from the US of A, bigfuck isn't always as obnoxious or obscene as his namesake. But he is brutally honest, and always an entertaining read, and because of that, he deserves the starring role in this story. (Also because I wanna be featured as Blog Babe of the Month wahhaha.)
