Have you read a book called Venus and Mars on a Date, by the author of that best selling Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus or that other self-help book for women (and the male version I heard there's one too) called He's Just Not Into You? Well heck, it's already a living fact that human beings in this liberal age are naturally drawn to books, videos, brochures, magazines, articles that discusses issues in the huge gender gap, and in particular, 'How To Get The Other One To Notice'.

Our friend Viewtru's story, or really, screenplay, is just that, another effort in discussing methods to get through to the other's mind. And well well well, the audience that Viewtru had in mind, is actually members of the male population. And KNNCB ask me to write 'leebiu' some more… apa ni… BUT ANYWAY, I did it anyway, and this is not really a review as much as it is an effort in revealing his Lantern tale (I'll rename it The Lantern Gates) for what it really is, a Wuxia-Styled Guide to the Strange Facets of a Women's Mind.

In other words, The Lantern Gates is the new-age man's indispensable guide to The Woman's Mind.

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In fact, it's really quite simple to come to this conclusion, really, if you weren't so caught up it Viewtru's super bombastic and hilarious way of phrasing old-styled chinese wuxia conversations in good old English. With lines like 'The superior man dispenses justice equally to all under Heaven!' and 'The truth of the matter is that the world is in colour.', truly, the average reader would have been quite easily distracted. Well here is the message and theories hidden behind they many layers of The Lantern Gates, in simple Gate-by-Gate analysis… for you to dissect the intricacies and mysteries of the female mind.

Gate 1: The Riddle Gate

In this section, Viewtru deals with the first stage that a man usually needs to handle once he finds a woman attractive. Remember when you first meet a girl who strikes your fancy? The feelings that goes through your head? You think, 'But I don't know whether she will like me or not!'

The Riddle Gate is something like that.

Well, then again, The Lantern Gate is like an onion of sorts, consisting of many layers, so another way to look at this gate is to liken the riddle to the way a woman really thinks–complex and very very long winded. Viewtru leaves us a HUGE HUGE clue here, that is, in the riddling part, where the 1st Gatekeeper is like a terribly longwinded woman who talk talk talk and the guy says simple one liners like

Swordsman Wu : I am in a hurry. What is your riddle?
Swordsman Wu : Why are you taking so long to ask me the riddle?
Swordsman Wu : Wahhhhhh ……why so long one?

At a point, the best part is, when the guy manages to 'strike' her with the correct answer, he doesn't even know where he got it right.

That is the magic of the first stage of courtship, I suppose. You meet a girl, you like her, you're attracted to her, and well, you don't know why, but you just are, and you don't know how, and when, but you just decide… and hence you move on to the second gate:

Gate 2: The Kungfu Gate

The Second Gatekeeper had a reputation of being undefeatable in combat.

If there is one universal truth about women, it is this: A woman, who first realizes that she is now the object of courtship, will, by natural instinct, be very defensive. This is first of all, a method to protect herself from harm, and also a natural and very subtle way for her to 'test' the guy who is pursuing her. Ironically, by being defensive also, the girl's attractiveness automatically rises, hence comes the saying, 'When you can't get something you want, you'll want it more.'

The human female naturally builds her barriers, forcing the guy to think of several methods, or kungfu to strike down these barricades. Hence, Viewtru very aptly calls it 'The Kungfu Gate'.

If his methods and tactics work, he will successfuly pull down her barricade, placing her in a position where she will start to want to know more, and see if this guy is a possible and suitable type of guy who will be THE ONE or not. You know, the type who will be just right for her, or the one who will paint her into a more beautiful picture. We move on next to the next gate

Gate 3: The Artistic Gate

The Artistic Gate, is, as what Viewtru labels, the most difficult to handle gate. See this line?

The third Gatekeeper was known to be a cunning fox. Perhaps the most cunning of all five Gatekeepers.

And then later in the 3rd Gatekeeper's speech, Viewtru crafted this line into the conversation:

The ancients said, “Learn to handle a writing-brush and you'll never handle a begging-bowl.”

I mean, think about it, logically, once a man's efforts in trying to break the 'don't even think about it' barrier happens, here's the part where he has to convince the woman, that he's someone to be reckoned with, the part where he has to convince her that he is a painting brush, NOT a begging bowl.

This is where he's got to show her, that he is the kind of person who will worship her for who she is, but he is also the kind of person who will complement her beauty. He's got to be her painting brush, someone who will bring the best out of her… and also, make her be the one who will bring the best out of him.

Now once he's convinced, all things are in order, and by now, she will be almost jelly, and this is where sweet talk comes into action.

Gate 4: The Poetry Gate

Truth be known, The Poetry Gate is really MY personal favourite part of this 5-episode no-brainer. This is where everything starts to make sense and gel together, this Poetry Gate was the magic glue in the potion that gave me the conclusion that Viewtru was seriously 'talking cock'… ok ok … actually there's this section in the screenplay that's quite the killer. Here, lemme reproduce it for your benefit.

Gatekeeper 4: I shall say a line. And after that, you have to match my line in rhyme.
Swordsman Wu : And later, it will be my turn to say a line, and your turn to match my line. Is that right?
Gatekeeper 4: Wrong! I am the Gatekeeper. I don’t have to match your anything. But you have to match mine! Ha! Ha!
Swordsman Wu : In the eyes of Heaven, that cannot be fair!
Gatekeeper 4: Too bad! But those are the Imperial Rules. Ha! Ha!
Swordsman Wu : If that is the case, I can only hope for a draw! How will I ever win?
Gatekeeper 4: I can say any line I like. As long as you are unable to match my line, any line, I will win. You, on the other hand, can only win by tiring me out such that I am unable to continue. Ha! Ha!
Swordsman Wu : You cannot have one rule for me and a different rule for yourself. The superior man dispenses justice equally to all under Heaven!
Gatekeeper 4: The superior man dispenses justice equally to all except uncouth dirty swordsmen. I have seen people like you. Your blades are on hire for a small fee. Do not for one moment think that you are culturally my equal.

I mean, that gist of the conversation is almost like an endless battle that will take place between a woman who considers herself a goddess to be worshipped, and the poor man who has fallen for her like a flattened cicak, right? Like so bloody obvious-lah!

Well for those who can't really see it, think of the Poetry Gates in this way: so you manage to make the girl like you, but then again, do you have the ability to sweet-talk her or not? Better still, do you have the ability to match her crazy thoughts or not, or that part about 'I'm right, I'm always right, why? Because I girl you guy, that's why.'

So unless you're able to spew silly corny lines (once in a while) like– 'If a face can launch a thousand ships, then it is my sincerest hope that my lines of adoring praises will launch my thousands dreams of you, that my concerns and my sincerest love and feelings for you will not go unheed.'–best you jangan harap.

Bah. Men and their sweet talk. But women fall for them anyway. FORTUNATELY, most women are quite concerned with the abstinence thing… and this is where the Peach Blossom chapter comes into action.

Gate 5: The Seduction Gate

Ah derrr… the name of the gate says it all. Or since I'm getting lazy and this review is getting FAR TOO LONG… here you go, the final part, taken from Viewtru's site, words spoken by Peach Blossom the virgin:

I am a virgin, Swordsman Wu. At the end of three days, if you had deflowered me, then you are considered to have lost the challenge. My role as the Gatekeeper, is to seduce you.

And then later, after being deflowered, Peach Blossom tells him

I am no more a Gatekeeper! All Gatekeepers at the Fifth Gate have to be virgins. The moment I succeeded in seducing you, I lost my virginity and thus my position as the Gatekeeper of the Fifth Gate is relinquished.

Then after that a lot of sweet talk lah, chit chat lah, crycry here lah hee hah there lah, in the end what happened?

Get married have babies… and then they lived happily ever after.

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I told you this story was in fact a guide to the average thinking woman's mind. Now you see what I mean? All that Mid-Autumn Festival thing, the wuxia elements, all of those, put in to reflect the above four stages. And then there's one very very special note to guys who have girlfriends who insist on staying chaste, according to Viewtru and that's all in the final installment that he wrote. It goes, in simple terms like this:

Achelly, hoh, she say only she don't want. But achelly hoh, she will do funny things and hoh, seduce you until hoh, you got no choice lor. Then in the end hoh, even if she no longer chaste hoh, doesn't mean she don't want you already. All a girl wants is sincerity (Swordsman Wu only wanted Peach Blossom, not the gold) and true love. Well, those two, and every other essential thing that comes within… which is usually a lot of things that you won't really know until they hit you.

This was a f*king long 'review' but I think I've said enough. Gah. Thank you for the weekend and, how? Viewtru, can chia me Starbucks or not?