just minishorts.

One of the biggest problems I have being a woman is that stupid PMS issue. Last on the list to admit that my mood swings to extremes during THAT time of the month, I have finally given in.

Finicky Feline that woman who was born at the ALMOST exact same time (same day, same month, same year, almost same time) as me and who talks like me (FREAKY FREAKY shit) has dedicated a whole key that will come in handy for men regarding the signs that PMS has befallen your woman.

I showed Eric the post and he rolled his eyes in horror.

'You're a bitch during your period. No excuse. Not even a reason to justify what you do to me,' says Eric, in kinder words.

See Eric and I are like two peas in a pod, but every month we have a silly senseless arguments. Sure, we kiss, and we make up, and at the end of it, we realize that oh-so-common question, 'Eh what were we argueing about hoh?'

Oh the usual: he says something, I feel hurt, I cry, he wonders why I cry, I say he doesn't care, he thinks, 'Oi I do so much and she doesn't know it?' and he tells me that, I listen, and I cry some more, because I feel that he doesn't understand that it's not about how much he does, it's about how much I feel he does. And the thing goes on and on and on like a vicious cycle.

Absurd, I know. But those nonsensical thoughts magically appear in my head and cloud the rest of my judgement EVERYTIME my uninvited best-friend the Menstrual Witch pops up in my life.

About three months ago, Eric realized that these fights are instigated by this cruelly selfish Menstrual Witch. Like an evil demon she turns up once a month and wrecks havoc on my normal self. I'm not sure what charms she weaves, but she seems to be able to tweak my sensitivities to the extent that everything, I mean, everything, is extra-exagerrated, and it's horrid. Oh you know what happens right?

1) I get extra-creative. The thoughts just cascade over me. This is the optimal time of my thinking cells, it's like the braincells multiply incontrollably.

2) Because of the extra-creativity, everything gets an extra dose of vitamins. And I mean everything. For example, …

3) The first thing that gets a shot of vits would be my sensitivity. It inflates to engorged proportions, and I become terribly tender and easily bruised, this is an open invitation. Whenever my period is approaching and has approached, I cry easily. You can snap your fingers and I will cry. Day one of my period, my handphone fell to the carpeted floor, and I had to hold back tears. Day two of the period, Eric told me that I should buy a cake for his mother instead of getting some flowers, and I flared up, shouting, 'What you think I am? An idiot? You think I don't know what is the right thing to get on your mom's birthday? I'll get flowers and that's it. You leave the decision making to me.'

Talk about absurd. Oh well.

4) I curse damn a lot. And the creativity in cursing gets insane. Oh this is supposed to be a good thing. Eh ask Vince or Kenny or anyone. Even chatting online, I curse like a freaking bitch on a rampage. Menakutkan, ya?

5) I am damn horny, but I bleed so much down there, it is impossible to (fill in the blanks here). But I can do a lot of NICE things. Because I'm more tender and sensitized, you can just run a finger down my cheek and I will moan like the world's most fuckalicious orgasm is hitting my inners.

Most women feel like that. Finicky admits to it and many many more say the same. Except this. Men-hoh, when your partner has her best friend the Menstrual Fairy on the monthly visit, tend to have their defences up full-time during the five days that the girlfriend/wife is a bitch. Eh, ini salah whey.

Anyway, I thought it pertinent to reproduce a sampling of the P-Day conversations that I have with the boyfriend. The words we utter, and (the thoughts that run through our heads):

Him: Honey you okay? (Apa ni period means you are queen meh?)
Me: Yeah I'm okay. (Apa ni don't you know period means I am queen?)
Him: You don't look okay. (If you don't tell me that you are queen then how am I to know that you are queen?)
Me:Well I AM okay. (I don't have to tell you that I am queen… you SHOULD know that I am queen.)
Him: Your period come izzit? (Why do I have to ask this question can't you just tell me?)
Me: Yes. I told you adi… (Why do I have to keep repeating this can't you try to remember?)
Him: Oh, then you should tell me … OKAY die. These few days sure die being tortured by you one!!(My girlfriend is now possessed. Die die die.)
Me:No lah I will be nice this month I promised. (He is going to avoid me. I will try to be good.)
Him: You know lah everytime you period I also suffer like hell one. (I will tell her point blank that she is a bitch during the period.)
Me: No, really. I will be a good-er. (He is going to avoid me. Does he love me?)
Him: Yeah right… (My girlfriend is getting possessed. I can hear her tone rising. Shit.)
Me: Sigh. (He love me or not?)
Him: Why did you sigh? (My girlfriend is possessed. Urgh. It's coming.)
Me: No I didn't. (He doesn't love me.) Do you love me?
Him: Of course I love you. (FUCK. Mati. Possessed adi.)
Me: Izzit? (If he love me why does he talk to me like that?)
Him: Yes I love you. (Shit. What do I do? She looks like she's going to eat me up.)
Me: Are you sure you love me? (I will ask him to get a reaffirmation. I want to know…)
Him: What kind of question is that? How many times do you have to ask me? (What kind of question is that? Period doesn't mean you are queen you BITCH!)
Me: (Tears welling up). If you love me, you wouldn't talk to me like that… WAILSSSSSSS!! (He doesn't love me he doesn't love me he doesn't love me what kind of stupid boyfriend is this!!)
Him: WHAT? WHAT DID I DO? (Tiu… the bitch arriveth!)

Well. Something like that. And it gets worse.

Rest assured, the only reason why I can type all of the above is because today is NOT a P-Day and I am behaving like a very normal human being, thank the heavens for this.

So anyway, while the men go and whack their heads against the wall now that they've realized that it is FUTILE to fight the Menstrual Witch, women might consider talking about just HOW absurd you can get on P-days… At the end of the day, the consolation of course is this:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Dez Film Reviews is one-of-a-kind. Every single post is a short film review. I like sites like this. Minimalist and themed, and very handy for the lazy surfer.