just minishorts.

Minishorts says: Guest blogging in place of Vince today is Jolene Lai, who runs her own blog at this site. We all know Jolene for her first-person reviews of the National Service camps, and of course, the mad, mad sets of photographs that accompany her lengthy posts. Today, Jolene goes bananas with, urm, bananas.

So my thick faced application for self-invited nut got through. Many thanks to Minishorts who graciously allowed me to contaminate her blog with my endless mumblings. She told me that I could blog about anything and that I can include photos (which my blog is overflowing with) which made me very happy! I NEARLY wanted to blog about cadavers again with photographs(yay!) but she pantang wor. I would not want to have her blog cursed by the souls of the unclaimed bodies from India anyway. So you'll just have to make do with what I've decided to spew forth.

Just a few days ago, I went to buy bread for my housemate from the Chinese coffee shop near my hostel. The towkei of the shop packed the bread for me and said, "Yi kuai Jiu!" and I had to turn to my housemate, "What ah? How much ah?" Feeling very pai seh, my housemate replied, "He said RM1.90 la.."

The towkei was slightly amused and wondered where I'm from since I can't understand Chinese. My housemate then explained to him that I am English educated (cheh wah, like very gaya like that) and can't read or write Chinese. The kindly old towkei nodded and smiled understandingly.

Not wanting to appear as un-chinese as I have already seemed to him, I said, "Ngo sek gong guongdong wah lah!" (I can speak Cantonese). "Ngo sek gong siu siu wah yi tan hai ng sek gong fu kin wah. Soh yu tau sin ngo ng meng pak lei gong mee yeah loh." (I know a little mandarin but do not know any Hokkien. That is why I did not understand what you said just now).

The towkei looked at me blankly. His 13 year old son replied for his father, "Ngo ah pa ng sek gong guongdong wah geh. Tan hai hui tau sin hai gong gan wah yi, ng hai fu kin wah," (My father doesn’t speak Cantonese. But he was speaking mandarin just now, not hokkien.).

The little boy then gave me a disgusted look, clearly wondering what kind of Chinese species I am if I don't even know mandarin. I was so peeved!!

I was looked down upon! Discriminated by my own race!

Maybe it's time to form another race of my own: Bananas.

For those who do not know, Banana is a term given to Chinese people who cannot speak Chinese. Just like a banana, they are yellow on the outside but white on the inside. We originate from a bunch of Chinese people whose parents sent them to English schools set up by the British and most of the time, for the past three generations, not a single family member would know how to write Chinese. Most of the bananas' greatest command of Chinese would be the Hokkien and Cantonese vulgarities though.

Banana people(xiang jiao ren/kung chiu yan) have adopted manglish as their traditional language. Majority of the bananas can speak their own dialect but they can not read or write Chinese. Bananas celebrate Christmas(we like presents!) and Chinese new year(money is always good). Now, this has nothing to do with religion but we just like to celebrate for the slightest reasons.

Banana people shake their heads at other Chinese with extremely bad grammar. "May I friendster you?" makes banana girls want to drive a stake through the skulls of those lala chais. Perhaps banana people may be a little egoistical in the sense that they think just because they are westernized and are more proficient in English means they are better educated. I used to hold true to that belief but I have changed my views as I have come to realize the extreme difference between two types of Chinese educated Chinese.

Most of the top students in Malaysia are those from Chinese schools. They can get the highest grades and scare you with their studious attitude.(read: nerd.) Of course I respect them, I need to copy their notes. These top students are also one of the more creative people around and perhaps it's the chinese school upbringing, they are usually very talented.

Then, during my national service stint, I didn’t know that there are so many uneducated young Chinese Malaysians. Those who are a year older than the actual age for this year's intake are the educated ones. When I say educated I mean that they went for remove classes and have completed their form five. Almost all those who are 18 this year are drop outs. Do you know that none of them will speak to me in English?

On the first day, I introduced myself, "Hi, I am Jolene! What’s your name?"
The reply? "Mou tong ngo kong ying man, ngo ng sek geh." (Don’t speak to me in English, I don’t know one.).

Damn cha tou.

I’ve come to realize that it is true that bananas are a minority in our society. You can differentiate a banana from a Chinese-educated Chinese(Chinese Ed) from the way they speak. I don’t know how to describe to you in words but you can just tell from listening. Perhaps there is a difference in accent? A Chinese-ed's English is not smooth and you can hear the slightest hint of doubt in their choice of words or pronunciation. I’m not saying that the bananas' English is grammatical error-free but bananas speak faster.

What I am saying is that there's definitely a difference in accent.

But it does suck to not know much any mandarin. Gossips have to be repeated to me in Cantonese and my housemates have taken to calling me kepo.

Also, with a good grasp of mandarin, I would not have to succumb myself to embarrassing incidents like the time my friend asked me in mandarin, "Ji dian le?"(What time is it?) It was two o'clock and I replied confidently with a bright smile, "Er shi kuai!" (20 bucks!)…needless to say it has become a long standing joke.

With a better knowledge of mandarin, I don’t have to mumble, "Zhen de ma? Dui bu dui?"(Really? Yes or not…) repeatedly when sales assistants try to entice me with their wares.

But once a banana, and such an old one too(far past the entry age for Chinese primary schools), I will always be deemed weird by my fellow chinesemen for needing a translater when I am conversing with them.

I thought it’d be nice to pose with some bananas to go with my post. Bought two combs of bananas for RM0.50
(what a bargain!) for the occasion and decided to get trigger happy. Couldn’t find nice big long bananas …but hey, Pisang Emas is Malaysian and that’s what we should all be about: Malaysian. In our lands, big bananas are not common. So we make do with pisang emas even though they are not that satisfying.

Can be used as pompoms.

Can be used as chinese dancing fans.

Can be used as a bikini top.

Can be used as a cigar.

Mickey Mouse!!

I know I'm disgusting, no need to tell me leh.

I can fit four bananas!!!

Yes, I know this looks disturbing. Deal with it.

I feel happy when I have sliced bananas on my face!

But sometimes I can get quite shy…

I had fun taking those photos and had intense tummy aches after a few minutes due to too many bananas. See, the things I do for the sake of blogging.

Vincent says: Spiller is a guy in his late 20's and has spent the last few months working in Brisbane, Australia. He has been in the telecommunications industry for 5 years (like a handphone seller, I reckon). His blog is relatively new….about 2 months old and is called You'll Never Walk Alone (bah…a Liverpool fan). Today he blogs about chocolates.

Well, I'm more to an alchoholic and tobaccologist than a chocoholic, but then again I don't want to be labelled as a bad model to the society, so I thought it would be less controversial to blog about some of my chocolate encounters.

Some background and interesting facts about chocolate:

1. It was originated from Central America, more than 2,000 years ago (Guess nobody would care huh?)
2. These names might sound familiar to you: Conrad J. van Houten, Henri Nestle, Rudolph Lindt and John Cadbury (So?)
3. Sufficient amount of chocolate is toxical to animals like dogs, horses and kittens (Really? Has anyone of you try feeding them chocolate before?)
4. The last movie about chocolate, apart from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, is Chocolat (By Johnny Depp as well, isn't he sweet?)
5. The Swiss consume more chocolate than anyone else. Thanks to their own Lindt, and Barry Callebaut (world's largest chocolate manufacturer, owns Van Houten), and their surrouding famous chocolate-maker, Godiva from Belgium and Ritter Sport from German (Hmm.. Godiva, love it!)
6. However, the world's chocolate sales are dominated by the very familiar three: Mars Inc (M&M's), Nestle and Hershey's (Cadbury at fourth, very close)

Anyway, the inspiration behind this blog, is from a chocolate shop that I came across while I was working in Brisbane months ago.

It's called "Chocolate to Die For"

If you are a chocoholic and yet having the weight consciousness, no worries, check out their items on sale:

See what I mean?

You have no idea

My favourite, read the small prints

Aww.. how could you not agree?

Now, what's your unforgettable chocolate encounters?

Minishorts says: Today's blogger is Tyler, who works in a 'one leg kick' job. Tyler blogs on multiply and comes across as both profound and hilarious at times. Today, he talks about his first time reading Dan Brown's novel, The Da Vinci Code.

Say G’day from Sydney and thank god for technology for if it weren't for the advent of the internet I’d have no place to blog… err then again there would be no blogs? Right!? *grin* anyway time seems to stand still when down under, all of you that have been here would agree, a minute feels like ten, an hour feels like 4 hours, etc. so much so that I actually bought a book, which I’ve been wanting to read for quite a while. The DaVinci Code.

It should be called the DaSmokeSumCrack Code because it’s as addictive as crack. (eh please not that kind of crack unless u dig it… tsk tsk) and just to let you know, I’ve read less than 10 books my whole life. that includes Tolkein's LoTR, and the first 2 series of dragonlance. yup I’m so sheltered… heh. To my surprise I finished reading it after only 2 days. Such a feat! Take it from me if you have not read it. GET IT NOW (or rent it from me. RM1 per day fair enough??)

If a movie were to be ever made these are the people I'd like to see play some of the key roles

ROBERT Langdon

A professor of religious symbology at Harvard, he used to be a swimmer in his younger days, I guess that he would be pretty well built, have a nerdy/scruffy look. I'd nominate Eric Bana… yeah he was quite convincing as a lab rat in the hulk. Just give him a pair of glasses.

Sophie Neveu

Agent Neveu of the Cryptography Department, also the curator Jacques Sauniere's granddaughter. Strong character, very intelligent and I'd imagine that she would have strong facial features with dark brown hair. I would love to see Claire Forlani from Meet Joe Black in the role. Those eyes, you can't run away from those eyes!

Bezu Fache

Arrogant, egoistical, short tempered Captain of the Central Directorate Judicial Police. A typical Frenchman who has too much to lose on this case if he doesn’t solve it. To me the actor has to be a native because of the accent and also appearance. His character needs to have an imposing presence. What do you say Gérard Depardieu? I can already imagine him cursing and shouting in French.

Silas

The Albino monk. Fanatical in his belief and will do anything for the opus dei. Practices corporal mortification he used to lead a criminal life before he was reborn. Silas does all the dirty work for “the teacher” to achieve their goals, I’d say Mickey Rourke who played Marv in sin city would be a good match, although they’d have to paint his whole body white.

The rest? hmm I haven’t put much thought into the rest of the cast. Who would you suggest play these roles if a movie were to be ever made?

I was in Sydney couple of days ago when I wrote the first draft of this entry. Someone tried to steal my car. TWICE! I got back to the place where I was staying by train at Wyong at around 11pm at night. I had parked there earlier under a tree. Walking towards to car I noticed the small A-pillar window had actually been smashed in. those idiots later tried to hotwire the car but were unsuccessful. I tried some McGuyver 1337 skills trying to hotwire it myself back to life later having to realize that it was just a movie… *damn*

Having called the police and all that and since there was nothing more that could be done there I hitched a ride back home from my uncle who came by to help out. (Of course I locked the car after that anyway, heh).

The next morning at around 8 am the police came around to my parent’s house looking for my mum (the car’s under her name). It seemed that the car had been stolen from the train station and they parked it at the tennis courts. This time they also took the steering wheel, and all 4 speakers (3 of which were NOT working) HAHA. Gotto love ‘em punks. So smart, yet so stupid…

So what are the odds? Twice in a night! Anyone know if you can buy Magnum4D online? *grin*

Minishorts says again: Lucky for you the damage's not THAT bad… hey I can get the 4D for you, mail the digits to me… but but but first, I have to tell you this. Dude. A movie IS being made. Tom Hanks is going to be Robert Langdon. Sophie Neveu will be played by Audrey Tautou. We can expect to watch it next year.

Dear MENJ,

I trust you to be an intelligent person who truly loves God.

I believe your intentions are good. True, Islam is absurdly misunderstood in this world. Because of a fistful of bad-hats who go around in their suicide bombing crusades, at least half the world's population is gleefully throwing what is fundamentally a holy and peaceful belief to the dungeons.

However.

I wish to point to you that perhaps, not only has the world misunderstood Islam, rather, perhaps, some people, including you, have misunderstood the world.

I see it this way: your kind intentions are not apparent at all. All I see is a lack in your ability to RESPECT people who do not believe in your beliefs, who do not adhere to your manner of thinking. All I see is your lack in tolerance and the refusal to realize that differences in this world are real and we will just have to live with them, whether we like them or not is irrelevant. The way I see it, you are no different from the National Vanguard. You are a radical fundamentalist, and you evoke fear and cause sane men to shake their heads in horror.

To end my little letter, MENJ, I have to say this. I think you're doing more harm than good to Islam.

With best wishes for a wonderful Raya,
Minishorts

Links
DeepaRaya? Sacriligeous!
100 Christian Proofs of Islamic Falsehood

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Oh. My. God. It’s me again. Yeah well, sorry for living and taking up YOUR breathing space and all that.

Firstly, a big, big thank you to Mr. (It’s a he right?) Viewtru for saving (and pimping) my butt last week. I got caught up with some badass secret service assignment and don’t ask me what it is because if I told you I might have to kill you, and really, being dead is really not that fun. So stay alive and keep it real, hommies.

Secondly, I have been sick. For 2 freaking weeks. Yeah I can’t believe it either. Underneath this cold, hard, bitchy, exterior I’m only human, probably with lower immunity levels than most. It bloody sucks being sick. Grounded myself for about 2 weeks. No alcohol, No partying. No nothing. I haven’t seen any of my friends since. I wonder if they remembered how I look like, or even who I am.

I didn’t know what to say today, plus I’m like still neck deep in work. Mini (first name basis now hahahha) asked me to post my favourite “fanboi” mail. But I can’t post any favourite “fanboi” mail because the only emails I’ve received on aphroditus(at)gmail(dot)com were the ones from robots who thought I was depressed and suicidal, wondered if my last “PIMP ME OUT” post was FOR REAL? !? And if it was, told me I should REALLY get a life, proceeded to ask me if I wanted my penis enlarged, then recommended me some TOP NOTCH LADIES 100% GURANTEED to make my night OH SO MUCH BETTER PLUS EXTRA SERVICES if I was fed up of being lonely tonight and if I wanted to buy some herbal supplement to spice up my love life.

WHAT LOVE LIFE?! ?! ?! In fact…… WHAT LIFE?! ?! ??

No pictures of me today. I’m a little sick of looking at my frightfully average looking face flying around the internet, I’m sure you are too. So no pictures today. Rejoice, rejoice.

And for the last time, NO. I did NOT make that “fansite” up myself. I don’t have the time, the passion, the dedication NOR the intelligence to come up with a beautiful thing like that all by myself. Besides when will you jokers ever get that IT WAS ALL FOR LAUGHS. Yes. Yes. That was my 15 minutes of fame. Yes. Yes. It’s all over now. So laugh and then get ON with your lives already godDAMNIT.

So. It’s Thursday. Thursday is just 2 days away from Saturday. Which is a good thing because I love Saturdays after 1pm. Let’s all go drinking. Where will you be partying in the next few nights? Tell me, tell me and let me gate crash or something. So what if I’m sick. Alcohol kills EVERYDAMNTHING. And you know what? I think it was from the LACK of alcohol which made me sick CAN!!

Wow. For someone who wasn’t sure what to write, I sure wrote plenty about nothing at all.

Have yourselves a good weekend. You know my email - aphroditus(at)gmail(dot)com. Find me a nice date already!

And oh, by the way.

This picture was shamelessly flicked off from Suanie's

So I lied. So bite me.