just minishorts.

It's easy to say 'I'm not coming' because I've planned to go on a holiday. For fuck's sake it's going to be a long weekend and OF COURSE me me me being the social elitist wannabe I am, have got to be extremely busy and going something ultra cool and fortunately, far, far away from the possiblity of being associated with the likes of you.

Oh by the way if you know me personally and you're going to say crap to this I'll say this, 'Yeah you always say crap anyway and I'm not going to deny that I don't care because obviously I'll terasa a bit kan otherwise I won't be writing this right but yeah man since you're going to say crap anyway you'll have to bear with this. BTW grow up man. I can't believe you can't even spell 'surprise' properly nor differentiate the difference between 'taught' and 'thought'. And you call yourself a GRADUATE? PUHLEESE.'

Rather my excuse for not saying yes could be also the reason why I fortunately grew out of calling my boyfriend 'dar-dar' or my girlfriend 'bee-bee' the day I decided I had had enough. Also the reason why it got pretty easy to understand why the broken feelings descended upon me. Truth realized, they weren't really the lost hopes and the shattered aspirations, wasn't that 'dream unreached'… I remembered that confusion clearly, so clearly it's pretty much etched into me and YES YES YES I do still feel hurt right now. I mean I'm only human I don't want to deny my faults neither can I deny the fact that I want to deny the faults, all these at the same time.

I can't help accusing: where were you when it happened? Why didn't you respond? Where were the inclusions? Where were the phonecalls? Why wasn't I a friend anymore? Where were the how are yous? Why can't I be allowed to despair? Why this? Why not?

And when eventually, I picked myself up, with the help of friends, new, because the old were not there because most of you had taken sides, older ones who you didn't know existed, why the questions? The pointing of fingers? I'm going to do that now too, I'm allowed this, 'Where was your respect? Why can't I meet new people? Why can't new people be respectable? Why can't I be allowed to choose the kindred souls in my life? What's wrong with me hanging out with them? How'd you know I'm not careful? What gives you the right to say things like "you understand why we didn't choose you as a friend" when finally I resigned and said "it's pointless to talk about this can we change the topic"? Why can't I simply say, "Well why should I regard people who refuse me as friends?" when you tell me things like that?'

Then, recently, these. Why now? Why the labels? Why the questions? Why why why, and what? For what? To do what?

I know I cannot change the way you think. I can do all I want. I can choose to accept, I can choose to not accept. The point is, the outcome will be the same. It'll be the same halfhearted nonsense. Fantastic oneliners like, 'Wow you look great now,' that you know is almost true until they get followed up with sequeled stuff like, 'You know about the last time, I'm sorry I didn't stick out for you but you were crying so badly it was impossible to talk about you…' or, 'See you look better now with this new person…'

So what's the point of talking?

I don't mind you folks not respecting me bashing me up like that. But the reason I'm hurt isn't really about me. It's about the disregard for the people in my life who care about me more than I care about them. Oh forget that part about me being nice and liberal and diplomatic, I'm none of that nonsense. I'm a woman with very many grudges and I don't want to let go, you can go on telling things… but the point is: you don't respect the people I love and that's why I don't want to go, because you shake the foundations in my life and pretend that you were there to build them up.

The fact is, the old pondok is now demolished, I choose to let it go. I'm building my own castle now and I'm not going to allow anyone of you have a part of this mansion. The rooms are for the people who truly care, and while you may be partially right in that 'You don't choose your friends they choose you' philo', I'm also right in my 'Why the hell should I accept friends who don't choose me as a friend' crappo.

And the fact is, you can't beat me with this. I'm always right. How unfortunate for you.

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