I am still yours truly
This is a very old post and I'm reproducing it with some changes to reflect the new bits in me…
I am still the girl you knew when she was only 12. You knew me as that 'tall for her age' girl who used to strut down the old canteen walkways, holding a soaking oily, crispy chicken drumstick in her right hand and shouting at the top of her voice over the din of the recess crowd, 'Uncle, uncle make it 1.50 lah, every day I buy from you one.'
Exactly 12 years later it's the year of the monkey again, and chicken drumsticks don't go for 1.50 a piece anymore. My tastes are still the same, I still like soaking oily, crispy chicken drumsticks a lot. I go to McDonald's and I ask for my favourite Crispy Ayam McD, 'No breast meat, give me the thigh and drumstick area please,' and boy, I wish I didn't have to give a damn about fat and cholestrol.
All right so another year on and McDonald's doesn't have it's Crispy variety for the chicken anymore, but I still love the OR version they have at KFC and I'm still willing to wait for them to come up with fresh pieces… if in any case they ran out of them.
I still like sprinkling lots of salt and pepper on my large fries, and I still talk at the top of my voice sometimes. They used to tell me to lower my voice a little, an index finger to the lips and eyes wide open like that. When you do that I will still wave my hands around my head, because an imaginary film of heat seems to have enveloped me in that moment.
I'm independant, yes, but I'm also dependant. I like to rest against a passenger seat headrest, and close my eyes and soak in that momentary bliss of peace. I'm assertive, yes, but I also want you to assert your rights. I want to be asked, not initiate movements to be asked, I want to really say no, not pretend to say no and then smile so that you'll beg me to say yes again.
I'm obviously happy that you understand, I've been looking around so long for someone who would understand… and then when I finally decided to stop looking because it was such a pain to keep on hoping, you just appeared, and you learnt, you knew. I'm glad to be given the space to be both dependant and independant at the same time, and I'm blessed that you know just when to allow me both.
I still like strolling down crowded pasar malam walkways and smelling the horrible stench of chao tau fu at the end of the road, I still like looking at sparkling zircons that they display on dark velvet-like holders, and dream of the day my destined one would give me a 0.5-carat piece, that bead of sweat forming between his brows as he tries to sound brave, and eyes, really meaning the things that he will say to me. I'm still that dreamer, I do believe in love at first sight, and watching too many HK serials makes me still hope that one fine day, a nice and really cute guy would approach me at a fast food restaurant and ask for my phone number. Okay, so I'm older now and those dreams usually come true if you're still 16…. it never did happen when I was 16, but I still imagine.
Somewhere along the way I met a guy who offered me a drink at the local mamak stall and then I thought, oh my, how Malaysian. And it still thrills me to bits everytime I revisit the old nooks and corners of my Memory Lanes.
I still write sad things, as we grow older experience makes us wiser and more frequently melancholic; but I write happy things too. I still plan to say things like this, and then end up saying other things at odd angles… and usually, still, I won't even know what I'm saying when I'm done saying things.
I've learnt to swear, more recently, but it's nothing to do with being bitter. I'm more in touch with being honest now, and I've learnt to not take everything into my pocket and store them there for too long. Things decay, and nothing ever lasts forever… but I'm still the one who keeps the treasures for as long as possible, and keep them in check so that they look pretty for as long as possible.
I want to be yours truly, and then when I really think about it, there's no need to want for anything. After all, I am still yours truly. Very, still, truly.
October 6th, 2005 at 12:03 pm
As long you still know your true self, that’s all that matter
October 6th, 2005 at 12:12 pm
last time RM0.50 I can get fried chicken with rice.
October 6th, 2005 at 12:32 pm
I love thigh and drumstick too!!
October 6th, 2005 at 1:11 pm
follow your heart
October 6th, 2005 at 1:44 pm
Yeah, and I have always imagined at 16 that I’d be reaching out for a book on the highest shelves in this old library in some large university and comes this dashing young man who will take it for me. Blah! Never happened.
October 6th, 2005 at 1:47 pm
At 12 I had my 1st crush and my 1st devastating broken heart when I found out she have a boyfriend.. Ya… I remember that..
The pain was too much at that time but it only lasted for few days because I fell in love with another one.. puppy love~
October 6th, 2005 at 2:06 pm
You believe in love at first sight.
Me too. It’s really a sad story for me. I’m just 16, thought it was a puppy love & just let him away. But after 15 years I still blame my self for let him go. What a frustrated feeling! Eventhough I’m married with two cute baby now, but deep in my heart I still missing him. Nor even a minutes forget about him. True. There’s like a hole in my heart that you can’t covered up eventhough you try hard. So, my advice, once you fall in love at first sight, pls don’t let it go…..don’t you ever let it go. If you do, maybe you’ll be like me…only death will do us apart.
October 6th, 2005 at 2:09 pm
Asampedas: Hugs first. Your story astounds me. I do not look on love as a constant, and I do not believe that it’s impossible to stop missing your ‘first love’. There is always place to give more, and receive more. To me, the magic began when I stopped trying to forget. I chose to remember, and I’m glad I still remember. But a hole in the heart? I love the current man I have now and I will not allow any bit of the past to come and trespass on what he and me and everything else in my present enjoy. That makes the cut.
October 6th, 2005 at 2:58 pm
Oooh… I agree there’s always room for more, but that doesn’t mean you forget people now, does it?
At any rate; I first had my heart broken at 6 and I still remember it!
October 6th, 2005 at 3:19 pm
Phew…I sure hope my First Love will last and be with me until I grow old
October 6th, 2005 at 3:23 pm
i’m going to sound really dreamy but hoh: if you really fall in love again, it will be ‘the first love’ and everything in the past will just fade away as a memory. SERIOUSLY.
October 6th, 2005 at 3:29 pm
Can you be cynical and a romantic together? I dunno. Miss the past, hurt by the past, always hopeful for a future that has yet come to past. I miss all those things.
October 6th, 2005 at 3:46 pm
Off course, a cynic could have originally been a romantic who has since become disillusioned, but retain his romanticism such that his cynism feeds upon his hope and desire that he be proven wrong and all is not as bleak and ugly as it seems.
Tha past ‘haunts’ - the metaphor of an absence which is a ‘real’ (present) presence, even as we are in the act of ‘be-coming’ now and in the future.
[that is partly why I am both a dreamer and idiot]
October 6th, 2005 at 3:54 pm
minishorts: Opppss… i think I started it.. sorry.. hehehehe
October 6th, 2005 at 4:16 pm
For some reason, I found that a really beautiful post.
October 6th, 2005 at 4:51 pm
Nolah..where got..lets say if your first love was with this guy..everything went so well but because of some certain sad stupid circumstances, both of you broke up but you still love each other…that kinda first love how to forget
October 6th, 2005 at 4:53 pm
Wah. Nice post.
Very emotional …
October 6th, 2005 at 5:11 pm
great writing. Nice.:grin:
October 6th, 2005 at 6:45 pm
First time here, awesome stuff. Thanks for sharing your heart.
October 6th, 2005 at 8:20 pm
Aiya… bottom line is.. first love is great… minishorts is actually a sucker for romantic and dream stuff… heheh… welll so is everyone…
October 6th, 2005 at 11:58 pm
I met my first love AGAIN last evening. It was wonderful to see him, to hang out and to just relax. Wrote abt it but cannot advertise here mah… hehehehe… the feeling is almost magical, going back in time and talking like we used to.
How very apt when S-Kay said “everything went so well but because of some certain sad stupid circumstances, both of you broke up but you still love each other…that kinda first love how to forget”
It’s been ten years since we “pak thor-ed” together but everything felt fresh again in Chilli’s last night.
October 7th, 2005 at 12:02 am
October 7th, 2005 at 12:02 am
Bargaining at the age of 12? The twelve year olds today don’t bargain anymore.
Going off topic. I did receive the blog invite from a certain ‘meiteoh’ for the Namomy site. Same thing?
October 7th, 2005 at 1:18 am
MS : Your comment box sudah jadi chatroom =P
October 7th, 2005 at 5:22 am
‘ I still like looking at sparkling zircons that they display on dark velvet-like holders, and dream of the day my destined one would give me a 0.5-carat piece, that bead of sweat forming between his brows as he tries to sound brave, and eyes, really meaning the things that he will say to me.’
Dun worry MS, the time will come and you dun have to dream on..
btw, the size dun count. Is the cut which brings out the bling bling on the stone. Wish you all the best in your courtship, ya. U rock, gal!!
October 7th, 2005 at 5:22 am
I think that mamak stall story is sorta *aww*. Not quite dinner at the Ritz or a chance encounter in some exotic land, but the important factors are there. Two people met, one took the initiative, sparks flew. Why get more complicated than that?
As for getting over past romances, I guess it depends on the individual. Despite having met new people along the way, I still have a soft spot for a very special lady from 8 years back.
[asshole]Maybe the people I met later just weren’t good enough to take her off that pedestal. *snicker*[/asshole]