just minishorts.

Hi Readers of Minishorts.net!

It is I, FireAngel. A few of you, yes all 20 of you, may have been unfortunate enough to see me and my most dreadfully average looking face popping on many sites like here, here, here and EVEN right here. Some of you may have been hospitalised by the sheer dreadful mediocrity of it all and since then can’t be within 1 mile of the computer without screaming BEGONE YOU EVIL HEATHEN grasping for the nearest holy object and ranting off in tongues. For that, I humbly apologise.

So how can somebody with absolutely nothing to offer, who did absolutely NOTHING to make the world a better place, and who has no special qualities whatsoever managed to even have a day dedicated to her by old big time bloggers?

Aiyah. Easy only what. They were my friends mah. Blogger friends. That’s what friends do TO each other. Put up pictures on their blogs, write about them, dedicate a whole day to them, put up a “fansite”… What? YOUR friends don’t do that for you? Oh. Then I think you should get a new set of friends. Hehehe.

I heard there were many of you who went around saying things like “Huh? WHO THE HELL IS THIS FA?? She so ugly one. Not so pretty also. What’s so special about her? Why I have a friend [insert name here] who is so much more hotter/cuter/better looking/has bigger boobs/ bigger eyes/ more kissable lips/ [insert other description of hot body parts here] than HER – SHE should have a day dedicated to her instead of this dreadfully average looking girl…”

GODDAMNIT! Such remarks really hurt ok? I’m only human. I have feelings too! I know I’m not a supermodel with perfect physical features and all that. I know I’m not the hottest chick on earth. Or the leggiest. Or have the biggest boobs. Or the most perfect complexion. Or…ok I GET YOUR POINT ALREADY. I KNOW that I AM the most dreadfully average looking person on earth. I also know that there’s really nothing special about me… except for that snake swallowing a whole baby birthmark on my…… right, let’s keep this to Disney Channel standards.

BUT. You know what? I also DO know, and with absolute certainty, beyond ANY reasonable doubt, that I am the LEAST hideous looking person on this planet.

In fact, really hot looking chicks pisses me off to no end. Like HARLOW? Not everybody can look like that ok. That’s like what? A mere 1% of the entire planet’s population and yet everybloodybody makes them their objects of their desires. Wake up already. That’s totally NOT REALISTIC OK YOU FAGGOTS! Damn those freaks of nature.

So, this whole publicity thing, didn’t work at all in my favour. See, one of the reasons these jokers got together to “publicise” me online was to get me a boyfriend. But the whole scam, it didn’t work AT ALL. You could say that it was a complete and UTTER FAILURE because I am still very, VERY single. That’s no good for me. No good for me at all. I’ve been single for nearly 2 years now, and frankly I’m sick and tired of being single. SICK and tired of people asking me “Why are you still single hah?”. SICK and TIRED of relatives asking me “When is YOUR turn hah?”. I swear, if the next person asks me that question, I’ll extract your spleen out through your mouth with my BARE HANDS.

My mum said, if I wanted to get things done right, I'll have to do it myself.

I am therefore, taking this opportunity to PIMP MYSELF OUT ONCE AND FOR ALL.

I mean seriously, you have all seen my pictures everywhere, you perverts. I’ve done my part. Now it’s the time for YOU to do YOURS.

Aren’t you sick and frustrated of merely just fantasising and looking at unrealistic portrayals of THE perfect woman already? It’s bullshit okay. Because you know, there is NO way in this lifetime or the next 10 lifetimes, will Ashley Judd or Angelina Jolie or Kristin Kreuk lay you, or even acknowledge YOUR existence you puny insignificant speck of protoplasm. So instead, why don’t you let some very random, very dreadfully average looking chick like me, who is very ridiculously REAL, be the object of YOUR desires? Stop aiming for the stars when all you’ll ever end up with is a pair of swollen legs, a painful butt and have neighbours thinking that you’re certifiable insane.

So, send me your resumes (with pictures), hate mails, marriage proposals, money pledges for my plastic surgery because I AM SO UGLY etc etc… to aphroditus(at) gmail (dot)com.

Please?

And since I’m a bit of a camwhore and narcissist, and since EVERYBODY loves a FREAK SHOW - here are some new shots of myself in all my mediocre splendour. Sorry.

Hmm, red gummy bears tastes YUM!

Hey! What are YOU looking at?

Get your OWN pillow lah!

I also did a mini interview to answer some FAQs with one of my joker friends who played his part in this whole “FA DAY” scam, The Snark (scroll down and check out his collection of Girl Fridays….. so hot they make me want to kill myself). Kasi itu punya link satu click, ok? OK.

Right, now I’ll sit back quietly with my Vodka Ribena in hand, and watch all you vicious animals shred whatever's left of my self-esteem to monatomic pieces.