I am a woman…hear me rant
She walks past and I can just smell her cheap perfume. I take a closer look at her. Her face is riddled with pockmarks. She used to be a pimply teenager! My heart leaps with joy. Men are such idiots. Fooled by her make up.
She's ordinary.
No, wait. She's…mediocre.
Bah! Big boobs. That's the only thing she has. I turn to him and see him drooling from within.
Aaargh! Wake up! She's ugly, you idiot!
'Do you think she's prettier than me?' I ask him.
'No.'
That's it? A mono-syllable answer? You asshole…
'You think she's pwweetier than I am!' I pout, blinking those dark round eyes of mine the same way Daisy Duck flutters her eyelashes at Donald.
'No, dear. I love you the way you are..'
'You just like her cause she's got big boobs!' I retort in anger, my face purple with fury. I pretend to turn away from him in a mutinious retaliation, but not before I sneak a peek at his bewildered expression. He's trying to conjure up something. Hmph! This is what you get when you check out her tissue stuffed bra, you pig. Torturing him seems fun. Deserving, in fact. More fun than my stupid period. Anything is more fun than this bloody curse. Them stupid men will never understand. Let them suffer with us.
I hear him sigh.
'It's like that sayang,' he explains, 'if you were to ask your mum whether she thinks you are pretty, she will look you in the eye and tell you that you are the most beautiful child in the world. Same thing here, sayang, I think you are the most beautiful girlfriend a guy could ever hope for.'
My heart melts. My anger dissipates in an instant. I almost feel bad for giving him a hard time. He's trying so hard to be sweet. A single teardrop finds its way out of the corner of my eye and trickles down the apples of my cheeks. I remember now. This is why I fell in love with him.
My man. My hero. My love.
The Mighty Zeus' post on writing as a female inspired me to write this puke inducing parody, poking fun at women from a guy's point of view. Have a laugh, as no women were injured in the writing of this piece. Elaine will do follow up tomorrow in an apparent retaliation.
October 17th, 2005 at 10:55 am
nabeh. not like this ok.
women are not so stupidly bimbotic you idiot. *big thwack on vince’s head*
October 17th, 2005 at 11:03 am
It’s not liddat ler… You prove a point though, men will never understand what’s going on in a woman’s mind. *shakes head*
October 17th, 2005 at 11:07 am
wasn’t it… As Good As It Gets… where the line… “I take away reason and accountability…”
October 17th, 2005 at 11:07 am
LMAO. Like some Mills & Boons/Sweet Sixteen/tweens/teens love story konon. ‘My Man. My Hero. My Love.’ [Gags].
October 17th, 2005 at 11:16 am
the issue here is men will also not admit that they don’t want to stop wanting to understand what a woman thinks, a woman on the otherhand accepts this fact completely. we don’t force men to understand us, just like we don’t go around telling ourselves we must understand men.
duh.
October 17th, 2005 at 11:36 am
its not like that meh? I always thought it were… hahahhaa…
Are you sure woman don’t force men to understand them?? I don’t think so..
And there are alot of woman’s magazine claimed that they understand men wor.. Doesn’t that count coz women would read them and claimed that they understand men too??!! HHmmm ..
October 17th, 2005 at 12:43 pm
omg knowing that a guy wrote it is so damn…vomit inducing….ooooh:roll:
October 17th, 2005 at 1:05 pm
that made no sense. oh wait it’s vincent. now it all makes sense…
October 17th, 2005 at 2:16 pm
you got one thing right…this really is puke inducing
October 17th, 2005 at 2:19 pm
I wonder what will Elaine do tomorrow then. I am a man… hear me grunt/burp/fart. Eh?
October 17th, 2005 at 2:42 pm
OMG, that was so hilariously oozing with sarcasm. Thumbs up!
October 17th, 2005 at 3:35 pm
I ADMIT IT I DO I DO I AM AVERAGE I SWEAR STOP STEPPING ON MY NON EXISTANT EGO BIATCHHHHHHH!
… and I have no boobs.
*cries*
October 17th, 2005 at 4:20 pm
Not all guys like big boobs, I for one don’t think of it as so important. Yes, I’m not a boob fetish, weird huh??
But sometime when I saw woman with the big baby feeding mechanism (??!!), I do wonder if the weight would hurt their back. It must be really hard for them to run, isn’t it?:???:
October 17th, 2005 at 9:50 pm
Here’s my phone, set it to vibrate and finish yourself off!
October 18th, 2005 at 4:58 pm
[...] Update: Oops, sorry peeps ’cause I forgot to add this bit here. So yeah, this is my response to Vince’s ‘I am woman, hear me rant’ post. I don’t think I’m really cut out writing like a guy. Heh. Big thanx to Vince and Mini for help and ideas. Next time, just shoot me when you guys come up with crazy ideas like this. [...]