just minishorts.

Hi, it’s me, Viewtru, the Social Commentary blogger again.

Today, I wish to blog on how to achieve world peace and end starvation. But I don’t have time for that shit yet. Not now. There are other matters much more pressing than world peace and the end of starvation. Pressing matters like how to get a great guy as a boyfriend. FireAngel is coming here to guest blog tomorrow and I hope to preempt her from ranting about how difficult it is to find good guys in town.

Today's posting has an adult rating. Therefore, all underage kids are requested to leave this site by shutting down your browser. However, if you’re still too young to know what a browser is, rebooting your computer will usually achieve the same effect. Do it now.

If you’re still here, then I assume that you are a mature broadminded adult. Okay, let's roll!

Girls, girls, girls…great guys are not that difficult to find. You just have to take the right approach to locate them. By the right approach, I mean using a thing like a prayer.

Last July, some of you may remember that I wrote this prayer for the world, specifically for all the single girls out there:

The Bachelor Girl's Prayer

As I lay me down to sleep
Still wide awake while counting sheep
I pray: Dear God, send me a guy
Who'll hug and love me till I die

A guy who thinks that I'm the best
And tells his mom and all the rest
A guy whose views are truly kind
Who keeps a gentle, thoughtful mind

I pray he's not a lazy slob
But one who has a steady job
This guy should own a house and car
And he should treat me like a star

And when he takes me to his bed
He'll moan "Oh yes!" while getting head
I pray that when I suck him hollow
He doesn't try to make me swallow

Hooray, I thought, everybody’s problems are over. The girls will soon no longer rant about not meeting the right guys.

Fast forward to present.

Guess what…the bachelor girls are still ranting about how difficult it is to meet a guy. What the fuck happened? Did the prayer not work?

My analytical mind knew what happened. These girls are not able to say the last verse of the prayer convincingly because they are not the sort of girls who are into giving oral gratification. They don’t mind receiving, but it’s the sucking and spitting that bothers them.

So how?

So let me just rewrite that last verse. Remove the previous last verse that so bothered you and replace that with this:

And when he takes me to his bed
He'll moan "Oh yes!" while getting laid
And if he eats me, then I wish
He does not think I smell of fish.

There…it ought to work now. So here’s the deal. Say this prayer CONVINCINGLY three times a day and you should get your dream guy in no time. And remember, same time next year I don’t wanna hear any girl ranting that great guys are impossible to find. Do that and I’ll know that you haven’t been saying your prayers.

This is Viewtru, signing off.