just minishorts.

Vincent says: Guestblogging today is Dabido, a slightly mental Aussie dude. He writes about his day, about silly things, or about philosophical things. This dude is famous in this blog for leaving insanely long comments on anything, anywhere and anytime. Today's post is about some aliens and contains some dry witty humour that only the smartest of you lot would get.

Today was a very slow day, so I'll talk instead about the alien abduction that happened to me last night. Actually, I am making it up. There was no alien abduction, or at least that's what the aliens altered my mind to believe.

Like most stories, it starts on a cold windy dark night. The background music was annoyingly minimalistic and probably performed by some arts graduate who couldn't get a job at MacDonald's. So they bought themselves a cheap synthesizer and went into film scores instead.

Like most alien abduction stories, the protagonist was asleep. In this case, I was the protagonist, so I am the one who was asleep. A strange light filled the room. At least it might have, and I might have noticed it, but alas, I was asleep. We'll assume it did just for the atmospherics of the story.

The door opened, and in walked an alien. Or maybe the alien hovered in. After all, being a superior race from another world, they probably no longer need the exercise. It hovered over to my bed, where I was sound asleep under my warm quilt and black sheets. It lent over my sleeping body and dribbled in my ear.

You see, most aliens do that as they only have slits for mouths that they can't close properly. One reason for this, is they no longer need their mouths to talk. They do it all via telepathy and have little need for muscles which move the mouth around to make the correct sounds. Another reason, and a much more practical reason, is the props department created the alien using cheap latex and couldn't be bothered doing a good job. After all, it's hard to make a latex mask that moves realistically when an actor speaks.

So, there I was fast asleep. Dreaming away, with alien drool in my ear. You might wonder why I hadn't woken up at this stage. Well, maybe the aliens had hit me with one of their special sleep rays. You know, the ones they can set to stun, kill or Kentucky fried. Fortunately for me, it was only set to REM mode. This mode, both keeps the subject asleep and plays 'losing my religion'.

A second alien entered the room. This one was wearing a top hat for religious reasons.

The alien religion consisting of some members who are of course priests. On special days of religious significance the priests stand at the front of the assembled parishioners, and perform deeply religious ceremonies. It starts by the high priest removing his top hat. This is placed upon a small alter, which is usually covered by a red cloth with gold trim. The priest then reaches into the hat, and extracts a rather confused rabbit. Sometimes, it might be a white dove, which then ceremoniously flies towards the ceiling.

After this miracle, the high priest will then ask a devout member of the congregation to pick a card from a pack of fifty two playing cards. (The fifty two of course being a number of deep religious significance). Upon choosing a card, the high priest will ask the parishioner to show it to the rest of the congregation. The parishioner does this, ceremoniously holding it aloft so everyone can see except for the high priest. The high priest must not notice what is written on the card, less a curse befall all in the room. The card is then place reverently back into the pack of cards. The high priest then hands the deck to the parishioner who shuffles the pack.

The high priest then takes the deck from the parishioner and waves a black ceremonious scepter with white tips over the deck. He then holds the deck in one hand and waves his other hand over the top of the deck. Miraculously, a card begins to draw itself up, out of the deck. As it draws itself further and further out of the deck, it is obvious it is the same card that the partitioner chose earlier. The congregation is totally amazed and burst into instant applause.

After this, a lesser priest comes out. He recites from memory many deeply learned observations on the condition of life. Most of these he has learned from religious texts. A highly popular one being, 'The Bumper Book of Elephant Jokes'. Another one might be something like, 'Adult Humour for the Sexist Alien' or 'Men are from Mars, Let's send them back there'.

The congregation laugh at the priests parables and witty observations. They do this, even if the priest is obviously not as observant as he might believe. It is polite to laugh and applaud till the priest leaves the stage, normally uttering a blessing as he leaves.

One popular one being, 'Goodnight Ladies and Germs. And remember, as you drive home tonight, stay off the footpath! That's where I drive!”

No sooner had these aliens invaded my bedroom and abducted me for a while, than they left. I might have been taken for an hour or so. It's difficult to tell, as I was asleep during the whole thing. At a later date, I might tell the story of the probing and tests the aliens performed on me. It was all scientific and stuff, so probably not that exciting for me to mention.

Of course, now you know the next time you wake up and don't remember being abducted by aliens, that's when you know it actually happened! Don't let them wiping your memory fool you! The fact you don't remember is proof they took you!

Can't you sleep easier at night now that I've told you that?

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.