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She walks past and I can just smell her cheap perfume. I take a closer look at her. Her face is riddled with pockmarks. She used to be a pimply teenager! My heart leaps with joy. Men are such idiots. Fooled by her make up.

She's ordinary.

No, wait. She's…mediocre.

Bah! Big boobs. That's the only thing she has. I turn to him and see him drooling from within.

Aaargh! Wake up! She's ugly, you idiot!

'Do you think she's prettier than me?' I ask him.

'No.'

That's it? A mono-syllable answer? You asshole…

'You think she's pwweetier than I am!' I pout, blinking those dark round eyes of mine the same way Daisy Duck flutters her eyelashes at Donald.

'No, dear. I love you the way you are..'

'You just like her cause she's got big boobs!' I retort in anger, my face purple with fury. I pretend to turn away from him in a mutinious retaliation, but not before I sneak a peek at his bewildered expression. He's trying to conjure up something. Hmph! This is what you get when you check out her tissue stuffed bra, you pig. Torturing him seems fun. Deserving, in fact. More fun than my stupid period. Anything is more fun than this bloody curse. Them stupid men will never understand. Let them suffer with us.

I hear him sigh.

'It's like that sayang,' he explains, 'if you were to ask your mum whether she thinks you are pretty, she will look you in the eye and tell you that you are the most beautiful child in the world. Same thing here, sayang, I think you are the most beautiful girlfriend a guy could ever hope for.'

My heart melts. My anger dissipates in an instant. I almost feel bad for giving him a hard time. He's trying so hard to be sweet. A single teardrop finds its way out of the corner of my eye and trickles down the apples of my cheeks. I remember now. This is why I fell in love with him.

My man. My hero. My love.

The Mighty Zeus' post on writing as a female inspired me to write this puke inducing parody, poking fun at women from a guy's point of view. Have a laugh, as no women were injured in the writing of this piece. Elaine will do follow up tomorrow in an apparent retaliation.

Vincent says : Today's guest star is Yee Pei, a medical student at IMU. She's known throughout the 'sphere as YP and blogs at YP's Rantings. She claims to do nothing else other than rant….apparently, about anything.

The world is filled with wimps, you know, the kind of people who don't do anything remotely good for the society they live in. Nope, I'm not going to waste my time on the weak, cowardly idiots of the world. They may just read the post and hide in their Mama's wardrobes and cry and waste good wardrobe spaces.

WIMP is this case stands for Woe-Is-Me People. The kind who constantly feel that they are the most unlucky being in the universe, the world is always unfair towards them, the kind who wallow in their own misery, most of the time, they are also highly insecure and terribly sensitive (only towards what you say and not how they treat others, mind you). I'm sure everyone out there knows a WIMP. If you don't, drop me an email, I'll make the necessary introductions.

YP's WIMP Diagnostic Criteria

1. Ability to find something to whine about anytime, anywhere.
2. Their life sucks (all the time).
3. If you say something remotely related to them (or their sad plight), you're being insensitive or trying to insult them.
4. Their problem is the biggest and unsolvable problem in the world, yours is tiny and unimportant (or maybe you made it up to show them you don't have the problem they have! hah! You're trying to insult them! *points to criteria no. 3*).
You'll need to satisfy 3 of the 4 criteria to qualify as a WIMP.

WIMPs are all over the place. Sick ones, healthy ones, handicapped ones, able-bodied ones, poor ones, rich ones, ugly ones, pretty ones… Whoever they are, whatever they do, they can always find a reason to whine and blame the universe.

Sick WIMPs: "The world is so unfair!! Why am I sick? I feel so horrible… Someone must be plotting against me, that's why I caught the sickness. I am sick so I am very very poor thing. ILLNESS is the problem, nothing else is a bigger problem."

Healthy WIMPs: "Why aren't I sick?? If I'm sick, then I'll have MC and don't need to go to work!! It is so unfair! Why does everyone fall sick and not me? Poor me has to go to work!"

Handicapped WIMPs: "Why me?? Why am I born handicapped / Why did the accident happen to me? I am handicapped so I am so kesian. You! Are you staring at me? You are insulting me!"

Able-bodied WIMPs: "Them handicapped people get all those privileges, to use special toilets, special parking spaces even discounted rates at theme parks!! Why not me? WHY?? I don't get to park nearer the lift lobbys just because I am not handicapped??"

Poor WIMPs: "Why can't I afford a big house and a nice car? All of those rich people are insulting us poor ones by driving expensive cars. MONEY is the problem, nothing else is a bigger problem than MONEY."

Rich WIMPs: "I have so much to worry about. Robbers, burglers… or friends and relatives plotting after my money! I never have enough money…I have to own a bigger house, a better car than my even-richer friend-next-door. MONEY is my problem. Please note the similarity between poor and rich WIMPs."

Ugly WIMPs: "I am so ugly! I cannot find a GF/BF. Why was I born so ugly? I cannot do anything about it? And 'cos I cannot do anything about it, I'm even more unlucky than the other WIMPs out there, so they shouldn't be whining, I SHOULD BE!!"

Pretty WIMPs: "That guy out there is staring at me! That one must be a perv! How I wish I was ugly, then I won't have such things to worry about."

I have nothing against whining, a little whining here and there is good for people, helps to get stuff out of the system. But the constant incessant whining is very irritating. There is a difference between pouring out your problems to a friend and constant whining about it. And what's more irritating is the "No, you don't understand my problems, no one does, no one knows how to help me, I AM DOOMED!!" attitude that most of them have as well.

Disclaimer: Since there are so many WIMPs out there, and many of us whine now and then as well, you may think this post refers to you. But no, it doesn't. It is just one of my many rants. But hey! If you're feeling sensitive and think I'm insulting you…I think you fit YP's WIMP Diagnostic Criteria no. 3, only 2 more to go. Congratulations…

Minishorts says: Today's special star is the very sporadic Gerrard of MakanRojak@blogspot. Gerard is old school from the stonehenge era, and has just recently graduated with a very prestigious medical degree. Currently serving his MO-ship in Singapore, Gerrard is my official F.O.C. lodging provider should I manage to get over to Singapore for the Virtual Insanity trip. In this post, Gerrard talks about Pap Smears.

After wallowing in the slime, grime, and cretin infested bowels of the local blogosphere since the days when fig leaves were the first choice lingerie to conceal genitals, I've finally been granted the chance to be in the blogging limelight clinking champagne glasses and exchanging inane chatter like the different textures of belly button lint in South American geriatrics with the higher echelons of the blogosphere right here in minishorts.net.

With such a platform to spew forth my best verbal diarrhea, minishorts decided to rain on my party by requesting that I blog about a subject so dreaded that even Mike Tyson's testicles would reascend from the scrotum and relocate to their embryological position at the mere mention of it. Yes, I'm supposed to talk about…..the pap smear. Oh, there it goes, I feel my balls reascending…..oohh.