Hostile Takeover by Uninvited Nuts
Vincent says: Rijac is today's guest blogger. Relatively unknown, he began blogging as an experiment in writing…an experiment that still continues till today. Today, this self-invited nut talks about, err….uninvited nuts.
Simply amazing!
What began as an impulsive decision to write a comment when Minishorts invited applications for guest bloggers, has turned into the nonsense you are about to read today. The Internet is a strange place.
I am rijac, and being relatively new to the world of blogging, I am not used to blogging for an audience. But I will give it a shot anyway. Today I want to blog about my in-laws, because when they come to visit, its like experiencing a hostile takeover by self-invited nuts!
Sure, everyone would have in-law stories. But you see, my in-laws are special. They are highly skilled artists. They have perfected the art of doing precisely what they are asked not to do.
Let me give you an example.
Several months ago, while we were on a trip back to visit family in Kuala Lumpur, my Father-in-law suggested that he might purchase a tent for my son (who is 3.5 years old). I thought it was pointless, since I couldn't think of any place near where I live that is suitable for a 3.5 year old to go camping.
So, my simple and clear instructions to my Father-in-law was "please do not buy a tent."
A few weeks ago, when they came to visit, they presented my son with a tent. Not just any tent, a huge, four-man tent, to be exact. I was upset, off course.
WTF!
I mean, how hard can it be to understand my simple instructions. This was not the first time. Among other junk, this 3.5 year old, 3.5 foot tall kid has a 6 foot long fishing rod, 2 adult-sized badminton racquets, a pair of digital binoculars and two rather large kites, all of which I instructed them not to buy.
And if you didn't already know, you simply cannot give a 3.5 year old a tent and not expect him to pester you to put it up. So up until 2 weeks ago, I actually had a four-man tent pitched in my living-room. Don't believe it? Take a look. Sorry for the lousy resolution. If only I can convince my in-laws to buy my son a nice, new 8 megapixel digital SLR camera, instead of the junk they buy for him now….
View from the inside:
If any of you think you might want to get married in the future, here is my advice:
Don't!
Trust me on this one. I know what I am talking about.
However, if you insist on gettting married, I strongly suggest that you interview your potential in-laws the first chance you get. Make sure you include a simple, 'obedience test' as part of the interview session. You might call them up and say "please don't bring any fruits tomorrow night", or something like that. And if the next day they turn up with apples, or bananas, or even nuts for that matter, run for your life!
As for me, I have found the perfect solution to my in-law problem.
I was driving home one evening recently, and decided to detour through one of the wonderful reservoir parks near my neighbourhood. I parked my car along the road shoulder to take in one of the most breathtaking sunsets I have seen in a long time. I managed to get a picture on my phonecam.
It was then, as I sat there staring out across the water, contemplating the state of my life, that it struck me. Its simply brilliant, really.
The next time my in-laws come to visit, I will drive them to that very spot in front of the reservoir. I will then pitch the four-man tent there. It would be a real adventure for them. You know, people pay thousands of dollars for this 'eco-tourism' sh*t. I offer it to them for free.
Imagine the fantastic view of the sunset they would have every evening. For meals, they could use the nice fishing rod they bought, and catch fresh grass carp and catfish. I will even spring for one of those mini-gas stoves and they can cook their own meals.
In the evenings before dinner, for recreation, they can play badminton. If they get sick of that, they can sit back, pull out those nifty binoculars and watch the golfers teeing off on the opposite side of the reservoir.
And if they get really bored, I have one last suggestion to help them pass the time.
They can just go and fly kites.
November 4th, 2005 at 11:38 am
i would be happy if my in-laws bring me all those gifts!
November 4th, 2005 at 11:50 am
you can use em what!!:D
November 4th, 2005 at 11:58 am
This IS hilarious! And who would ever knew that the “junks” they bought for your son turned out “useful” for them, huh?
November 4th, 2005 at 12:22 pm
fly kite fly kite all of you can go fly kite…lol. nice one, rijac! btw is your name meant to be pronounced “reject”?
November 4th, 2005 at 12:30 pm
If I ask you what is your most memorable moment in life, it won’t be… “we finally bought a brand new BMW or $1 million property”.
Your in-law are awesome people. All this time, they are giving your kid “the tools” to create this magic moment with family.
They have my sincere respect.
infinite
November 4th, 2005 at 2:24 pm
YES!! I totally agree with u!! In Laws are Fcuk up.. I hated my bf’s parents even when i have not marry to him!
They are just “haunting alive”. CAn u imgine his mother jsut called him, when he is outside wif me, abt his HP bills? Hp bills that was calculated wrongly by the mobile provider. So wat can he do on a wkend? CAnt tat bloody mum tell him when he is BACK home? DAMN!
November 4th, 2005 at 2:24 pm
YES!! I totally agree with u!! In Laws are Fcuk up.. I hated my bf’s parents even when i have not marry to him!
They are just “haunting alive”. CAn u imgine his mother jsut called him, when he is outside wif me, abt his HP bills? Hp bills that was calculated wrongly by the mobile provider. So wat can he do on a wkend? CAnt tat bloody mum tell him when he is BACK home? DAMN!
November 4th, 2005 at 5:09 pm
wuching & msguests: yes, but i don’t fish, i don’t camp and i don’t play badminton… neither does my wife, or son or daughter for that matter.. the binoculars.. he he i do used them for bird watching…
pelf: next time they come i will hint to them about the alfa sportwagon i’m thinking about buying…
lishun: actually its rye jack
infinite: thanks for your comment. what about respect for the wishes of the child’s parents?
phyllis: alamak. collosal pain in the butt? yes. annoying as hell? yes. fucked up? not really lah.. too strong a word!
November 4th, 2005 at 5:29 pm
‘They can just go and fly kites.’
.. or perhaps ‘not’ go and fly kites….
November 4th, 2005 at 6:20 pm
Rijak - Don’t hint about the Alfa Sportswagon, they’ll never buy it for you. Say this:
Whatever you do DON’T BUY me an Alfa Sportswagon as we have absolutely NOWHERE to put it!!!
Next day, you’ll have one!
Be thankful you didn’t have my ex-inlaws.
Birthday and Xmas they only ever buy me lottery tickets - even though they know I don’t gamble.
They were trying to prove to me that you can’t get rich by doing work. They used to believe you either had to steal it or win it.
Every year, I would write a BIG LONG LIST of things I want. They never bought ANYTHING on the list. I asked why, and they said it was because THEY didn’t like anything on the list. They didn’t want it, so they refuse to buy it for me.
One year, they ignored the list I gave them, but because I had a list of books, they bought me a scientology one (Who they think I am??? TOM CRUISE!!!!) My draw DROPPED when I opened my present.
Another year, one of my sister inlaws asked if I woudl like certain books. I said NO to one of them. Because they had already bought them, she gave them to me anyway. When I opened the one whcih I said I didn’t want, they got upset and inssited that I REALLY DID WANT IT! They’d bought the books for about $1 at a market!
They used to tell people that I never appreciated anything they did for me. I used to tell people, ‘Well, they NEVER EVER BUY ANYTHING I ASK FOR!!!’
So, after a while, I just started accepting I will always get lottery tickets.
At least that was better than what my father did one year. He phoned me and told me he’d bought me scrathie lottery tickets and had scratched them all for me and I hadn’t won anything!!! lol
BUT, after all is said and done, at least you are maried and can have the free sex!
There is a price for everything. The Sex is FREE, but you pay by having in-laws.
November 4th, 2005 at 10:33 pm
Your in-law buy things and hoping that that 3.5 year old boy can use it until he is 35 year old. BUt they didn’t think if that boy can use it RIGHT now. Why don’t u use the available tent and make babies, who knows they may end up buying 8megapixel SLR camera for the newborn.
November 4th, 2005 at 10:49 pm
Being married with in-laws isn’t the horror ride most people think; it’s actually pretty swell. You get to do neat stuff together like having weekend dinners and taking the kids to the aquarium — great smacking fun!
At least that’s what my friend George tells me, over dinner with his wife and her parents. He was so happy, you could see tears welling up in his eyes as he said it.
November 5th, 2005 at 12:42 am
dabido: don’t need marriage for free sex dude…. come to singapore, i’ll set you up!
izwan:
kurt: LMAO!
November 5th, 2005 at 8:40 pm
Holy crap Dabido!! ( I do like to say holy crap alot, I don’t know why… ) Your comment can actually be considered as blog.. that is wayyyy loooonnnnnggg… hahaha
I think your in-laws enjoy tormenting you Rijac.. hahahhaha
November 7th, 2005 at 12:48 am
unfortunately my dad is like ur inlaws, he bought my lil sister one of those tents..except my sister is already 14 so she doesnt really know how to appreciate it, so he ends up lying in there with the aircondition switched on, and then when i go back for holidays we’ll sit in there n he’d tell me silly camping jokes n id be like
wtf daddy~ hahah hez kool, but u see, before he bought the tent, he bought sooooo many of those play mats that were like jigsaw puzzles that u can put together n build into a play house, we cud literally sit four or five adults in there 
i mean..what next? a caravan?
November 8th, 2005 at 9:36 am
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