Archive for November 10th, 2005

When the past catches up with you

Nov 10, 2005 in Diary-writer

I wonder just how many of my high school friends read this blog. Because they hardly leave comments, and very seldom do I get e-mails from these people asking me how I do, I'm going to assume there are very few.

I'm also going to assume that BECAUSE there are very few, they won't feel the thorns that I might just plant into this particular post. But if you feel them and they hurt you, I'll apologize first. I know honesty isn't the best bet in things like these, but then again, I'd prefer honesty over pretentious smiles anytime.

***

A number of people know that in my first official relationship, I went out with a high school friend who had apparent brains, and a pretty respectable ambition. It lasted three years, and it was just atypical of a high-school relationship. I was very much in love, 'in love' in the definition of that times. I'm not ashamed about that.

You have got to be in love with someone to be in a relationship that lasted three years, and when a three-year relationship breaks down, obviously, I broke down. I'm not ashamed about that either. But after that, time washes away emotions, and love is not a constant. You move on, and I moved on.

***

What I do not appreciate, is the fact that people refuse to let you move on, and insist on reminding you of the time when you behaved like you were forever going to be left behind. Perhaps, the real scenario isn't very much like that anymore… but several events after the break up just leads to me thinking like that.

Like for example, the reunions that stopped involving me.

The meet-ups that stopped involving me.

The friends who used to call, who stopped calling me.

The times when you see photos of groups that used to include you, that stopped including you.

After a while, you don't know what really makes your heart ache: was it the broken relationship? Or the truncated friendships?

However, as time goes, you begin to let these people stay in the past. You begin to realize that you just have to live in the present, and there are people who are more deserving of the title 'friends' now, than before.

So pardon me, if I stopped wanting to care if you cared.

***

Oh of course there were the inevitable bump-intos. You can't avoid them. Almost a year ago, I bumped into a girl, A, an ex-school mate whom I used to be rather close with, until after the break-up. I bumped into her at a local bookstore, I was in a rush to go to a meeting, she was there to get some stationery. I was at first, happy to have met her again.

At first, I thought, it would be easy to let bygones be bygones.

But they wouldn't let me. They wouldn't.

I thought it would be nice to talk again, so I cooked up a conversation. It began with a 'hi', and then shortly after, that customary, 'We must talk again.' Maybe it seemed unnatural, but you have to start somewhere, and then.

The 'must talk again' was a quick jolt back to reality.

'You know,' I remember her saying. 'I'm so happy you look better now. It was so hard to talk to you, you were crying all the time.'

'Oh. Was it? I can't remember, really.'
'Yes. Hai, no need to talk about these things.'
'Yeah these things are really stupid.'
'Oh you look so much happier now. You didn't have to cry so much, you know.'

Ma-hai.

Some of you will probably understand why I decided to block some people on my IM list.

***

The truth is, I've tried, I've tried not to deny the recent invitations. I know there is the possibility that the old mates have now begun to grow up just like me, except I'm still a little sceptical, and a bit cynical, and terribly suspicious of motives.

The truth is I'm also a bit tired of brushing off remarks like, 'You didn't have to cry so much, you know.'

The truth is, it hurts to be reminded, and to talk as if my past had a role to play in the apparent 'mask' that I wear now. It is also the fact that you do not seem to want to respect my present, and the people I love now, and the man whom I love now matters more to me than the past heart-breaker I used to go out with can ever imagine.

The truth is, you disqualify my current life as a farce just because I stopped belonging to your circle..

So suddenly, when the circle decides to initiate an official reunion, and I'm engaged in the arrangements, by virtue of my participation in a high-school forum that is half-alive (because no one else from other cliques ever go there), I shy away from the discussion. I make up excuses. I don't want to go.

I know it's not all of you, and that's where the dilemma lies. It's not all of you. It's just a handful, but it's because of the handful that I do not feel like going.

Then I thought of it again: if I don't go, what would they say? Sure, I ought not care, but can you really, really, not give a fuck? I know I can make you think that I don't give a fuck, but why should I pretend that I really give a fuck and I get bothered that these people will might say things.

And then there're the other people who I really, really want to meet, that I feel I'll miss out on if I not go. Like the teachers they're inviting, and the friends who still bother to come to visit me every Chinese New Year. Yet because of that handful…

***

Although I'm not deciding, not yet. I have a few months to decide, and I'll take my time in doing that.

Don't mind me, I got emotional. Or maybe, I was just pulling out the weeds.

YEAY MEME!

Nov 10, 2005 in General

Phew. Just when I thought I don't have a single damn thing to write about, a certain Mr. Lim comes along and saves the day. Thank you thank you thank you thank you and too bad for you. Bwahaha.

So, without further ado…

1) If given a choice to decide your birth, where would you choose?
Hospital lah duh. Sanitary what. And the mortality rate of being assisted by a doctor during birth is like, the damn low.

2) If given a choice to meet your 1st friend who will be with you for a lifetime, where will it be?
Can it be a fictional character? Yes it CAN. Because *I* am doing this meme and *I* can make it any damn person *I* want it to be. Spiderman. But it has to be Tobey Maguire (sp?) as Peter Parker. Just because Spiderman is like, so cool. And like, so strong. And Tobey Maguire is the type of geek who is like, so hot. I would so like, enjoy being hated by a LOT of women, and then Peter and me… we would like, laugh about it over hot chocolate and marshmallows by the fire place. Muahahahaha. I would so like, rock.

3) If there's a flight accident & you end up lost somewhere, at the end of the day where do you hope you are at?
Not lost, thanks.

4) Where do you hope you met your 1st love?
Where? Fucking hell. I would spend more time thinking about the WHO bit CAN! Who CARES about the where bit first man?

5) Where would you want to have your wedding?
It’s hard to think about where when I don’t even have a WHO to be wedded to. Tiu. “Where” to have a wedding is the LEAST of my concerns now. If I like say, meet Mr Right tomorrow, I can get married in my own backyard JUST *snaps fingers* like that. And besides, I’m still a bit too damn young to think about all this marriage business SHEEESH. WHO CAME UP WITH THIS SHITTY MEME??? Some deluded 15 year old chick who spends her whole time dreaming love and marriage?!?!?! An advice? GET A LIFE. START DRINKING.

6) Where do you hope to enjoy life when you retire?
Some quiet, FRIENDLY English village, with 4 seasons in a year and pretty flower fields that go on forever. These are signs that I have been watching too much movies from Hallmark. I need to be warded.

7) Everyone will die sooner or later. So given a choice to decide your deathplace, where will you choose?
CHOI. WHAT KIND OF SICK TWISTED QUESTION IS THIS? I DO NOT ENJOY THINKING ABOUT DEATH. So the 15 year old kid just got dumped by her first love and not feeling so deluded anymore, is it?

/end

Dude, these questions are seriously HARD. Damn you for making me rack my brains at this ungodly time of the working day… and I don’t even have my vodka Ribena with me. Sheesh.

Oh yeah. Obligatory picture. Don't have any new one So I'm nicking this from KY. Loving the tshirt….. except the "We" should be an "I", and the "hour" should be "hours.

Alcohol is my god

Please get me one of those. Preferably one with correct grammar. Cheers.

Want to throw cyber pies at me? aphroditus(at)gmail.com

Damnit Mini, this is getting too hard. I quit!!

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