minishorts.net
Section 1.0 – Introduction
Since blog wars seem to be the IN thing these days, I figured that I should write up a suitable guideline for you noobs wishing to get in with the crowd. If you follow these fool-proof steps, you should be able to catapult yourself to fame, even if your blog has no substance at all.
Section 1.1 – Choosing your victim
This is essentially the person you want to go to war with. Ideally, this has to be someone you really hate – someone whose views you do not share or someone who has bigoted opinions. Unfortunately, it is not always wise to choose your enemies this way.
Some people are chicken shit and would not go to war with you even if you poop on their heads. This rules out jovial dudes like Eyeris even though he is a Liverpool fan and me being a Manyoo fan should hate him upon sight. It would, however be a waste of time to pick a fight with him because he would never respond.
Also, it is best that you pick fights with people with larger audiences than yourself. This is a common rule of thumb. Since the point of blog wars is usually to attract attention to yourself, the larger the fish you fry, the more you get to eat for dinner.
It is also easy to fight wars with someone who is generally hated by the public. This is also due to the fact that people are usually chicken shit and would not start a war in the first place but would join in the war in your favour later. That way, you get to sit back and enjoy the fun as people fight your war for you.
Section 1.2 – Choosing your battlefield
This is a keypoint to winning the war. People generally choose their own backyard because they have the advantage of having their fan supporting them, and mainly so that they can get more hits as opposed to giving their opponents more brownie points.
It is also possible to start the war on the enemy turf, but being the enemy territory, he might modify your weapons comments and use them as bad propoganda against you. This is obvoiusly not wise and should only be attempted if you know your enemy has not the technology for such dirty tactics.
It would be good to note that it is highly unadvisable to start wars on a neutral battlefield as it benefits nobody and makes both of you look like idiots.
Section 1.3 – Rallying your troops
No sane idiot goes to war alone. This is perhaps the most important part of the war preperation. Propoganda is always important. Play up your image as the good guy. Smear tactics against the opposition is essential. Ridicule him and make him look like a fool. Try to gain some sympathy points along the way.
If you have a huge fan base, half your battle is already won. If you have propoganda which people can relate to, the other half of your battle would be yours for the taking. This is of course speaking under the assumption that you start a war and intend to win it. Otherwise, the propoganda is irrelevant and you can just proceed with the smear campaign. Adobe Photoshop is a useful tool here. This is also where you can permanently stamp your reputation as a sleazy bastard (which is useful for future wars).
Section 1.4 – Going to war!
Write up a great big hate article about the person. Links and names are optional depending on the size of your gut. By putting links and naming the target, you are declaring a full out war and you would be known as 'He-who-speaks-his-mind'.
By leaving out the name, you risk being called 'chicken-shit' BUT you can later deny that you were talking about a certain person when he retaliates. In fact, you can use his retaliation to make it seem like you were the victim of a malicious attack and you can proceed to redeem your sympathy points among the spectators.
Another cheap tactic widely used (with great efficiency, I must add) these days is to bait your enemy on his own turf by launching guerilla hit-and-run tactics by bombing his comment box. Keep repeating until your enemy gets pissed and declares war on you. This is another good strategy as it makes you look like the victim and you get sympathy points for that.
Some people prefer to attack a particular article written by the target blogger. A good way of doing that is by exploiting the fact that most other people have poor English and probably did not understand that article anyway. The quotes can be taken out of context and be used against the blogger and you can also draw random conclusions from something said to make it look like the blogger said something bad.
For example, if the target says that he likes apples, you could surmise that he hates oranges and therefore is a fruit bigot who practices discrimination. You would be surprised the number of troops you could rally to your benefit this way.
***
This concludes Lesson One. For your homework, please try out the steps above on a subject of your choice and notify me of the outcome.
For a simple and effective example, please refer to this.
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26 Responses to Blog Wars – Lesson 1 : How to Start a Blog War
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Milestones
Haha…oh boy. I knew it. I knew sooner or later something like this would come out. Maybe after you compile all this, you could release a book entitled:
Minishorts: The Art of Blog War
Or
The Princess: The Definitive Guide to Blogolitical Science
Oh wait…it’s you Vince. Well minor alterations then.
Vincent: The Art of Blog War
But The Prince is taken already…it won’t sound cool. Ho hum.
wuah … this is re-run or new war har ? mch i losing track ledi … fun fun!!!
Or, if you want to do it the old-fashioned way, you may employ the time-tested, proven strategy of making sudden lunges to the target’s personal region and yelling, “CHUWEK CHUWEKKK!”
Risk of retaliatory strikes decreases exponentially if you attack in a group from multiple directions, or if you are a school runner.
Good luck, men.
vincent! you wanna fight ar??? COME LAR!!!
*runs off to get badminton racket*
…… Hmm. Blog wars, indefinitely fun, but ultimately pointless at the same time.
“The only good reason to blog war is to blog whore. All other reasons are smoke and mirrors.”
- Sun Tzuu
Edrie – don’t forget ‘The Book of Five Blogs’ by Musashi!
In blogging, confrontation is done, directly, victory is gained by surprise.
-Sun Tzu, The Art of Blog War.
Fifth is the way of the blogger. Bloggers prepare all sorts of posts and spend the year preparing all sorts of crap for people to read. This is the way of the blogger.
- Miyamoto Musashi, The Book of Five Blogs, Part I Earth Blog Scroll.
And don’t read The Prince by Machievelli until you’ve read ‘The Discourses’ It’s a much neglected but I think more important work.
It’s basic premise is, ‘If the peasants are in revolt, it’s probably soemthing the Lord has done wrong. Don’t kill the peasants because you think they are in revolt, listen to their complaints and see if they are justified. If they are justified, then do something about it.’
whoah… a very good in case study…
Vincent’s Art of Blog Wars indeed…
r0mg1e dcuzheetokye
Oh, I shoudl probably include ‘Vom Blog Kreig’ by Clauswitz too. I forgot that one. I won’t quote it, as it’s as boring as … well a German written book!!!
It’s basic premise is that the Army is an extension of the political arm of Government … which is true, all Governments know that now … but, I read the book once (back in about 1989 I think … or near then) was too boring. My sumary is a lot better!
i hate kimberly cun. she’s fat. u rock!:wink:
where’s de strategy?
kimberly cun or kimberly cunt ??
Her arm good for arm wrestling
[...] And then suddenly everybody so happy to simply shoot shoot people with their names. Neh you see here got. And here oso. Summore here too. [...]
blog wars? nah. should just sit back and enjoy the massage all these thumps are giving you for free.
and vince: *yawn*. no need section section lah. what a waste of bloody time. why you go and draw me into it. neh.
i just came across someones blog blasting u for some sh*t…all i wanna say is that i lup u…deep deep like the deepest osean ler…i think u the bestest of best…i like..no…make that lup the way u write and the how the way u take urself so seriously cuz it’s only natural for a talent/work of art such as urself to do so…no…really one…u like modern art masterpiece…beyond comprehension…in other words hor…fucked up max…just curious r…since u such a talent y i havent heard bout u one? oh wait, my fault…u like treasure… where can expose so easily hor?
i don’t know u…but i needed a laugh at ur expense…thanks
I don’t know which one of you has more supporters, kimberlycun or you.
But I think I know which one is more pretty. thehehehe…
*shuts mouth*
………….
*beauty queen pose, V finger sign*
World peace, yo.
Lainie,ure saying she’s more pretty is it?
Hey don’t blame me! Just following testosteron-ic instinct deep inside me baby!
[...] So…as much as I loved the lesson on blog wars or this little jewel that my friend dug up for me and would write it off as one of those rare posts worth reading in this depressingly mundane, repetitive and otherwise childishly petty blogosphere of ours. All I can say is this. [...]
la, like politics in the real world ler. whats new then, cheers!
[...] Just like we learnt in Lesson 1, a strategic location is important. All the more so since you are faking a war, the more spectators you get, the better. That is afterall your objective, isn’t it? [...]
FUG FUG FUG!
All of these is FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE!
I HATE YOU GUYS!
[...] The very gorgeous Minishorts might just be interested in knowing the number of die-hard fans standing behind her if she decides to aimlessly shoot words of hatred in a blogwar. She suggested a dislike for “delusional bystanders, who are too chicken shit to actually take a side” for the fake war that Vincent and her have started, in which yours truly was one of the named bloggers. I am sure she might have accidently left out a few of her readers who already knew their blogwar was intentional, as it was almost unlikely for Vincent to access her blog to pen his thoughts on How To Start A Blog War after their little “argument”. [...]
Swifty Gossips About Blogospheres To Sell Out
Me gossiping about events in blogospheres because that’s what sellouts do and what everybody loves.