Why marry?
November seems a prime month for marriages. Just Sunday alone I spotted three cars made up with ribbons and all and the pretty silhouette of a veiled bride sitting peacefully in it. And then, on the way to Klang Mum and I saw a fleet of over 17 cars honking their way along the federal highway (presumably, on their way to pick up the bride).
On Saturday Eric and I were driving along the NPE, on our way to see the mechanic for his car… and then we saw the very strange sight of a Hilux all decked in ribbons and frills.
'Man, that cannot be, cannot be, a bridal car…' I said.
Eric agreed. I mean, hello, can you imagine a beaming bride, with blooming can-cans and all, climbing into a four wheel drive truck! Of all things? 'Should have used an MPV instead,' he said.
'I supposed MPVs are way more comfortable to climb into, rather than the conventional Mercedes or BMW ya?'
'Maybe, we'll see…'
It's true. Weddings are in the air. Everytime I settle down and try to relax without thinking about terrifying future bits like marriages and all, something reminds me yet again, that people will ask, and people will wonder. Last night I returned home from dinner to Mum and my cousin, pouring over the photos they took at her wedding. They were, to my horror, pointing out photos of Eric and I, and the kinds of smiles and head-tilts we should next attempt so that we'll look more 'perfect' together.
It's especially frightening when you have at least 5 weddings to attend in 2006, and 2005 hasn't even ended yet! You know, obviously, that unlike a year ago, when a relationship with a man could be just that — a relationship, and nothing more… now that you're 25 and prime for marriage, people will definitely ask, 'So when's your turn?'
But of course I worry that I won't ever, ever make it down the aisle, or my relationship with the current beau is yet another temporary phase… and these worries are all too real. But then I see the married ppl in all-too-real squabbles over house loans, and wedding packages, or marriage break-ups after just 2 years of tying the knot, and I think, 'Sheesh…'
So tell me just one thing, what exactly is the point of getting married?
November 28th, 2005 at 10:21 am
to make babies. and to satisfy the parents’ craving for grandkids…
November 28th, 2005 at 10:48 am
Well, I think marriage is a completely different thing compared to just being in a normal relationship (before marriage). When they say people change when they get married, yes they do but some in a good way due to responsibilities mostly but also because your love has been taken to the next level…a more meaningful one (to me) because this time, you’re not just gonna be together with this man for dunno how many years but for a lifetime instead. You get to decided your lives together and how you wanna run it. The test and the experience that will make your relationship grow (or crash) is something I dun think you would be able to do so in a bf/gf kinda relationship.
And yes Din, you can finally make babies LEGALLY and watch them grow up pulling your hair until you become bald!
I dun think marriage is something frightening. I thought that seeing my aunties with their broken marriages and my parents with their crazy couple arguments, I would be too scared to look forward to being married but no, I am not..maybe because I have a great guy next to me who assured me that things are going to be beautiful and normal. But do you think it would be the same 10 years down the road? Maybe yes, maybe no..that’s the crazy part about any marriage or rship, you DON’T know what lies ahead for both of you in the future and it’s up to the two people to make it work with their best put in efforts
November 28th, 2005 at 11:02 am
Someone from my A’Level’s GP class once said that marriage was just an excuse to have sex legally.
For me, it takes a relationship onto the next level where you not only have to adjust to each other’s lives but build a new life together as well. I have the same fears too and well, I try not to think about it often.
November 28th, 2005 at 11:16 am
Its funny isn’t it, when the typical Asian relates to “Not being married past mid-20s” as a problem… I’ve been pretty good at dodging and weaseling out of situations like that thus far
November 28th, 2005 at 11:35 am
It’s a confession and recognition to your friends that you want to commit to spend the rest fo your life with your partner.
It’s a public event so that when you divorce, you feel a bit shameful… Besides that, it’s just so that you can have sex legally… And so that your kids will not be called bastards…
November 28th, 2005 at 11:50 am
I’ve attended about 5 weddings so far and have another 2 more to go before the year is over so yeah, something about this year being auspicious…or maybe I’m the only single person left within my circle of friends…
And back to your question, here’s what married people have told me:
1. To please the parents
2. Shot-gun wedding
3. The “next step”
4. To start a family
5. Peer pressure
6. Financial/legal support (ie pre-nups)
7. It’s a religious/spiritual thing
Personally, i tend to lean to option 3. and 7.
November 28th, 2005 at 12:09 pm
I think people get married because the female in the relationship wants to start a family !!!
Maybe to have a ‘claim’ over your spouse ?
November 28th, 2005 at 12:10 pm
eh… to take their relationship to a whole new level by legalising it???
November 28th, 2005 at 12:14 pm
u r thinking too much. period.
November 28th, 2005 at 12:21 pm
Jeremy - wow. How come there is no:
8. Because we love each other and we want to watch each other grow old ? Because we complete each other’s lives and I couldn’t imagine living my life without her/him?
Everyone here seems to see marriage as this “ball and chain” commitment that must be done. Maybe this kind of mentality (instead of just thinking of it as a wonderful way to spend time with another person) is why women seem to have so many problems getting their guy to “commit”.
It’s ridiculous if you ask me. If you are not excited to spend your life with the person next to you, instead of thinking how it’s going to benefit you financially or how “hard” it’s going to be - you’re not ready to get married.
November 28th, 2005 at 12:34 pm
Personally, I think marriage is death sentence.
As much as I would love having a companion, do I really need to be married to him?
November 28th, 2005 at 12:53 pm
IB : Got what..I mentioned it (but not Jeremy lah..ehhehe) For me, it’s a way to spend time with each other everyday of our lifes and grow old together. It’s like that Adam Sandler’s “I wanna grow old with you..blablabla” song. And you’re right about the mentality part. People seem to think that it’s a commitment thing, which is sad. I think most guys have that kinda thinking and the girls are catching up on that kinda mentality (because the guys are not able to commit)
Marriage is a beautiful thing and if one gets goosebumps all over just by thinking about the responsibilities and all then like what IB said, you’re not ready..not just yet.
And goodness, sex is not the only thing you should look forward to in a marriage lah. Marriage is not a death sentence if the two person love each other alot alot..alot to want to spend their whole life together and not eyeeing for someone else after 5 years in a relationship.
November 28th, 2005 at 1:03 pm
:???:If u think it’s bad when you’re 25, wait till you’re almost 30.
November 28th, 2005 at 1:08 pm
….why not?? ….
if you really love your companion then why not??
Is it really a bad thing to get married?
My parents argue all the time and yet I never heard of them complain about their marriage.
So why not?
November 28th, 2005 at 1:26 pm
There’s no point, marriage sucks.
November 28th, 2005 at 2:35 pm
S-Kay has very fine words of encouragement to offer and I think this is probably the best way to view marriage.
My personal view is that the time for marriage sometimes comes on its own, after a mutual ‘unspoken’ realisation by both parties that they want to spend their whole lives loving, ‘fighting’ and living with the other person. And whatever fears and anxieties there are is only natural for people who are serious with each other, and both have to make that plunge into the deep end - a leap of faith, if one may call it so (pardon the religious connonation, wholly unintended), to live both as ‘us and I’ for the years to come.
November 28th, 2005 at 2:45 pm
it’s for the protection of female. when the guy decided to go away, you get half of everything.
maybe that’s about it..
November 28th, 2005 at 3:24 pm
Wikipedia definition of marriage:
“Marriage is a relationship between individuals which has formed the foundation of the family for most societies.
Marriage can include legal, social, and religious elements. In western societies, marriage has traditionally been understood as social contract between a man (husband) and a woman (wife)…”
Notice the word “love” doesn’t appear at all? got me thinking…
November 28th, 2005 at 3:29 pm
i think marriage is just a culturally saturated thing that may or may not include love. if you’ve got love and can keep it alive then you’re lucky la. dun have den mer liedat lorh. i think pragmatism is always more adaptive…but its sad to lose our idealism
November 28th, 2005 at 4:12 pm
to make a decent man out of the guy you’ve been boinking.
oh and i live near a chinese restaurant popular for weddings, so i see the ribbon decked cars and ridiculously dressed people almost everyday.
November 28th, 2005 at 4:22 pm
Sometimes, marriage is just on the ‘to do’ list. Something to do, as well as someone to do..:)
November 28th, 2005 at 4:34 pm
I asked a friend (funny guy) in Singapore this question… and he answered… “so that can buy HDB” . No doubt he was joking… but it is a valid answer in Singapore.
Personally, marriage and the wedding day means very little to me. I’m been saving hard for it… but it is more for friends, relatives, family and business people.
The bride and myself… already feel married although we are only engaged. We don’t need any form of validation from anyone to tell us we are in love… and how committed we should be towards one another.
The wedding… the event… the act of getting married to me and her… is just a formality. For society, family and friends.
So yes… she’s really cool… and I love her for it… alas… her coolness did not extend beyond the engagement ring
… I still had to get her one. *tsk tsk*
November 28th, 2005 at 4:38 pm
i wish there were a way to avoid being asked the question, ‘when’s your turn’, rather than thinking up all the methods in the world to retort that question with class.
November 28th, 2005 at 4:55 pm
IB : i think that’s under no. 3 : taking it to the “next step”…hehe, just my humble opinion anyway
November 28th, 2005 at 5:08 pm
nowadays, I seeee alot of young couples buy house first, then only get registered and lastly ceremony, i think that is very smart move on them….
November 28th, 2005 at 6:31 pm
Of course, some folks get married because they think that it is a good way to save electricity.
November 28th, 2005 at 7:42 pm
marriage is … having your best friend with you all your life
I know …have been married for over 30 years
November 28th, 2005 at 7:50 pm
That was EXACTLY what my mom’s godmother said to her, Spyder!
November 28th, 2005 at 8:08 pm
marriage in Malaysia has been cultured as something u NEED TO DO preferrable before 30.
if u haven’t done it, comes all the so-called-been-through-there-relationship-counsellor to help u. if u haven’t got a partner, comes all the match-makers. if u have one and been living together as if u’r married but u’r not, then comes all the different version of story telling.
society pressure and the “when’s your turn?” question is unavoidable, especially among family members.
in western countries, marry or not is not an issue. such society pressure does not exist, at least very minimal. u can live your life any way u want. a lot of them live life together and have kids but they are not married. u just do what u want, nobody cares, it’s your life anyway.
November 28th, 2005 at 8:20 pm
As some one who has been married I can tell you EXACTLY what it’s all about … um … er … eh …
Okay, I THINK it might be about OWNERSHIP. My ex always said to me, what is mine is hers and what is hers is hers and she thought I was her personal money making slave. So it was all about HER owning ME and EVERYTHING I OWNED!!! I was working two jobs and doing University studies at the time she ran off with another guy, (and she didn’t want me to quit any of those things). So She and her BF ran off with everything …
THEN, I had to wait ONE YEAR to PAY for the divorce, and wasn’t allowed in a relationship with another woman because of my religious beliefs (I was still technically married).
Two of my friends said that I had convinced them to get married (because one of them was my old faltmate who lived with me and my missus for a few years). They said that they’d seen how devoted I had been etc etc, adn it had convinced them to get married so they could be devoted to each other in the same way.
[NOTE: They didn't think my Ex was devoted to me ... says something about the insider view!]
Anyway, I talked them out of getting married at all. Last time I saw them, they were happily living together in their townhouse. Technically in Aussie, if you live together for three months, you are ‘de facto’ [From the latin 'in reality'] so you are treated as being married legally anyway, except if you seperate, you don’t have to go through court etc or pay AUD$500+ to get legally ‘divorced’.
The only problem you have is dividing everything up, as legally everything is owned 50-50 (same as being married), except of course, they don’t always take everything into account etc.
Sorry if I sound cynical. I do personally beleive I will get married again one day - but as they say, you don’t get married with the intention of ever getting divorvced, so you have to be careful.
I know of people who refuse to get married again, and even refuse to have their GF/BF move in with them, as it means loosing half of everything if they seperate - and they normally are earning a LOT more than their BF/GF.
Become gay - they don’t recognise gay marriages, so at least you get to keep what you own if it turns sour.
November 28th, 2005 at 8:56 pm
“What does it all mean?”, we ask ourselves. Steven Spielberg once had a line in his “Taken” miniseries that goes something like this: “The point of life is to ask questions and not expect any answers”. I guess you will know when the right time comes.
November 28th, 2005 at 9:10 pm
For a piece of paper…
That very important paper. Erm..and also if you’re marrying a royal…to get recognition, legal this and that…well…I m too young to understand what marriage is for.
November 28th, 2005 at 10:03 pm
To start a family…
November 28th, 2005 at 11:49 pm
“So tell me just one thing, what exactly is the point of getting married?”
There’s no point to get married unless you want to settle down and have your own family. Otherwise stay away from marriage.
But if you really want to get married, make sure you get that bullet proof pre-nupt first to protect yourself. You just never know ….:mrgreen:
November 29th, 2005 at 12:05 am
Because I love you honey - muacks
November 29th, 2005 at 12:29 am
The point of getting married is to stop having to ask yourself, “What is the point of getting married?” and move on to the more important questions, like “Who’s going to do the laundry today?”
November 29th, 2005 at 3:08 am
if i can choose…i wish not to get married but stay together perhaps….anyway is my life…but wat to do….this is our culture….b4 30 if u havent marry….ure parents will start mumbling worst than a radio…..
if i have to marry(force to due to pressure by parents, society, friends,etc)….i wish i can marry without the ceremony which eventually can costs me up to 30k(i calculated myself)….i can use the 30k to buy a nice sport car for myself…..huhuhu….nissan fairlady…..
November 29th, 2005 at 8:08 am
I once read this joke:
To avoid being asked “When’s your turn?” again and again, ask you aunts the same question during funeral.
But I never did.
Marriage is something beautiful and something sad, where you won’t be staying with your parents anymore. Those who are ready to commit will somehow reach the marriage phase. Sometimes when you go to shopping complex, you’ll see old couples still holding hands, watch movie and do things together. Isn’t that sweet? To me, when you’re in 30 or 40 years of marriage, love is not as “membara” as once was, communication is more like it.
November 29th, 2005 at 8:21 am
Yes, Caroline … after more than 30 years of being married I can say 100% that it’s no longer ‘membara’and that it’s not a bed of roses and lovey dovey all the time either. I can be quite a b_____ at times and I do NAG .Hubby has his quirks too. However, we still hold hands; we still tell each other how much we love each other; we stil go shopping and watch movies together and we still have the occasional SPATS. Marriage = commitment to love and honour each other in ‘good times and in bad’ … and if two people are committed to this, things will be more than OK . Gosh! I’ve rambled on tooo much. So sorry.
November 29th, 2005 at 9:48 am
if you have to ask yourself why get married, than you are not ready to get married.
Marriage is about commitment and faith. To Take this giant leap of faith and say that no mattter what I’ll be with you and love you, till death do us part.
Beauty will fade
Money will come and go
But my love for you will be eternal.
can you promise that ?
November 29th, 2005 at 9:49 am
to have 1 dozen kids
November 29th, 2005 at 10:11 am
[...] Yesterday coincidentally, I came across minishort’s post on “Why marry” and the many different views about marriage. I personally left a comment saying, I think marriage is a death sentence. That may be a little bit hard to digest yes and no doubt it is purely my personal opinion. Yet yesterday evening at my cousin’s place (she happens to be married btw) we had this rather interesting conversation about the whole marriage hoo-haa, which slightly altered my views about it, not entirely but maybe just a little little bit. [...]
December 1st, 2005 at 10:10 am
[...] “So what is the point of getting married?” you wonder, especially if you are not married. Well, as every young couple will tell you, the point of getting married is to stop everyone from asking, “So when are you getting married?” [...]
December 2nd, 2005 at 4:40 pm
Marriage is not an institution. It’s a disease that has been encoded into mitochondrial(carried by females) DNA, causing all carriers to try to infect non-carriers(males) with the notion that having only one mate is a good idea, as is the idea of “committing” *coughcough* to a woman who will one day have saggy milkbags and be pear-shaped when you’re in your prime.
Here’s the simple truth:
All women want alpha males. All men want to mate with as many biologically superior(pretty,healthy) women as possible. Alpha males get many women. Alpha males don’t want ugly women. Most women can’t get alpha males, and settle for beta males. Beta males can’t get many women, and settle for an biologically okay female. Both SETTLE for what they perceive to be a good deal. How to ensure that since you don’t get your dream deal, you at least get your best deal? Thaaaaaaaaaat’s right folks, dress the Merc with bouquets and get fleeced by the photo studio.
February 4th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
marriage is death… yes, i agree. i just rounded the 2-year mark (anniversary). i feel like my life came to a halt two years ago. and it isn’t that my partner isn’t great… he is. but i miss my life. MY life, as a single woman. i had more fun. i had more sex. i had more of what i needed, in every way. i am glad i tried this though– so i will never wonder what i missed.