Seeking a nest
Eric and I are almost, just almost a year old. Twenty-odd more days and we will be welcoming the new year as well as ushering in a new year together as a couple in a relationship.
That isn't to say that everything is peachy and nice. On the contrary, we're going through some rather turbulent days…
A few months ago, the bf reprimanded me for revealing too much of our conversations (the funny ones) on the net, and that of course, led to my decision to take a break from minishorts for a while. I suppose it's inevitable for me to get down to the basics over here, after all, I found minishorts before I met Eric, and there isn't really the chicken or the egg first scenario here. Yet recently, with a return to the scene in an almost bare-naked way, I've found it impossible to disentangle myself from spilling the beans, so to speak. Although, I promised myself that I'll be more cautious.
But we're sorting things out, not to worry. Maybe, like you said, with the increased frequency and accompanied sharing, there is bound to be conflict, and a realization of just how different we are. But my problems don't nearly come from the two of us, rather, after a night of not speaking to my mother, I realized the issue also comes from living with a single parent who is displaying all signs of an empty nest syndrome.
Oh you know what it is like to be in a serious relationship, the most significant difference is of course the fact that you don't go home to your mum for dinners all that often anymore. Except, the situation didn't quite agitate to such a grave state until just recently. I've been having meals at the bf's at least three times weekly, and him the same with me. Yet, three weeks ago, Mum went on an overseas holiday with friends, and almost every day I found myself tucking in at Eric's. It was great, and experience in finding out what it would be like spending almost all my time with him, and my colleagues even commented that it was as if I was already in a marriage. Things were fine, when it was just the two of us.
Mum returned home with gifts and all, and then it slowly hit. The shock effects of how she's had to deal with the possibility of losing a daughter. It started with the question, 'So how often did you dine over there?'
And then the Monday night meal, when she called me several times, to confirm that Eric and I were dining at home that night. We returned home to a five-course dinner–something that usually only happens on special occasions like Chinese New Year and Christmas. And then after that, her concerns with me returning to the Church again, the funny questions and interrogations. Things that I never expect she would ever do. Mum's been fluctuating between heaping praises upon the boyfriend, and labelling him with all sorts of strange tags. Occasionally it gets ridiculous, and I have to suppress myself from giggling, because I remember, like me, her concerns and worries are real to her, and I have to respect and love her for them.
With Eric and I sharing my car, she's got even more suspicious. I understand you, Ma, I understand your concerns, that he's not the one for me, that I'm not going to live a good life with him. Then again, I haven't quite decided what to do with this relationship yet, I can't be thinking about settling down all the time when I haven't even built up my career in a way that I'm able to collect a substantial amount of savings every month. I can only try, and I can only be hopeful, but if things will work out, they will.
So I told Mum, last night, in a heated argument, 'I can't be the daughter you want me to be, and you can't expect me to live a life that you hope I will live. I have to take responsibility for my own decisions, and I will appreciate it very much if you don't try to put your finger into my problems. I sound ungrateful, but I need the space to make my own decisions.'
It hurt me like hell to say that, and in an emotional frenzy, I called Eric and said some very hurtful things, something that I should never have done. But a dinner with his family, put things into perspective for me, I phoned the bf who sounded depressed and unhappy and apologized profusely. Later, I called up Auntie Celine, who reminded me that His grace will guide me and give me peace, and I spent a quiet night drifting into sleep and hoping for the best. Much later, he sent me a message and told me to calm down and have a good night's sleep, and I prayed that things will be right again.
Then I remembered the book you brought on your trip, and I smiled myself to a dreamless state.
It would be all right again, wouldn't it?
December 2nd, 2005 at 10:13 am
Everything in life works out one way or another. It’s going to be alright. Life still goes on.
December 2nd, 2005 at 10:30 am
It’s somehow hard to strike the balance between family and ‘life partner’, especially when family side do not support or acknowledge one’s partner.Communicate is the best way, I think!:wink:
December 2nd, 2005 at 10:36 am
Well… guys and gals… if your partner blogs… you have to be ready for all this. If you can’t accept… just don’t bother. You both can go on and on trying to draw the imaginary line between what is acceptable to blog… and what is not.
… you’ll end up fighting over mis-matched expectations.
… hmmm, maybe there are some exceptions. I don’t blog
I just comment.
December 2nd, 2005 at 10:41 am
chin up, claire. once things cool down, everyone will start thinking in a rational way again.
i think we all agree when i say that sometimes parents behave in such a way that as the elders in the family they are supposed to exhibit good judgment and constantly dispense words of wisdom - it’s an obligation, a responsibility. but no one is perfect, not even parents, that when confronted with a fear of the unknown, insecurity creeps in and results in them reacting apprehensively. guess we can’t really blame them for that.
having said all that, though, as you’ve mentioned, ultimately the decision is yours to make and no one can make it for you.
December 2nd, 2005 at 10:53 am
Of course all parents want the best for their children, of course sometime they will never find the one you got is the best you have.
But they will accept it in time. Just show them that you have made your decision and won’t regret making them.
Things will work out in time..
December 2nd, 2005 at 11:14 am
I went through the same situation with my mom last year. The difference was that, I’m not the only daughter and she has my dad to accompany her. But the teruk part is that, I know she feels lonely whenever I’m not around (when I go on trips) because I’m the only daughter she spills everything as my other sisters are not much of a talker. Maybe because of our compatibility, we’re each other’s best friend. The thought of leaving my mom if I ever get married kinda makes me sad but at the same time, it made me want to treat my mom as wonderful as possible before I get married and I promised myself that even if I were to get married, I won’t forget her (as in visit her as often as I can). But my mom has been really understanding, she knows that sooner or later her lil daughters will grow up and leave home one day and all she ask is for us to not forget how she brought us up and repay her by not neglecting her when she needs us =)
December 2nd, 2005 at 11:27 am
of course you would.
agree with Rosalind. the worst part is yet to come. that is when your mom (sorry to say this) gets older, and becomes ill (just like my dad, 72 and has parkinson disease now). by then the parent will need to have all the attention from the children.
it’s not easy, but it’s one of the stages of our life.
take care. be happy. it’s Friday anyway!
December 2nd, 2005 at 12:27 pm
Of course it will. It’s not going left, for sure — not you. Right? Auntie Celine is right.
Just keep both hands on the steering wheel at all times, and remember to fasten your seatbelt. It also helps if you are seated in front.
December 2nd, 2005 at 12:30 pm
hah kurt, what a way to put it.
p.s. i still don’t get that stupid hamchat game lah.
December 2nd, 2005 at 12:43 pm
you seem like a strong person to me, to say the least, and somehow, you’ll end up perfectly fine .. =P
totally irrelevant, or maybe i havent been following your blog for that long of a time, but I really liked your recent posts. I guess I shouldn’t be lazy and read your archives as well. >
December 2nd, 2005 at 12:44 pm
everythings happen for a reason
and that’s one of the life long experiences.
(talk like as if i’m so old:mrgreen:)
cheers!
December 2nd, 2005 at 2:27 pm
After the storm, the sun will shine again, and there could be a nice rainbow too!
December 2nd, 2005 at 6:20 pm
*puts on disagreement hat*
You said some things that needed saying. That won’t make them any less hurtful to say or to hear.
*takes off disagreement hat*
You have a loving mother and an adoring BF. Setting things straight is the best cure for fear, plus you did so twice!
Congratulations and best wishes to all three….
December 2nd, 2005 at 7:21 pm
Mi-neh-shorts, I wanna have a baby. Obviously I can’t because I have a dangly thing. I wanna watch your shiny tummy grow and baby Mi-neh-shorts pop out someday. Maybe she’ll be as shiny as you, hee-hee
December 2nd, 2005 at 7:31 pm
My father used to asked me, if he and mom were to be tossed into sea, who would I save first. (not that I can swim :roll:)Hmm…thought of the day
In your case, who would you save? Eric or your mom?
December 2nd, 2005 at 9:12 pm
need to improve EQ
December 2nd, 2005 at 9:24 pm
senbai.. only morons (sorry in this case is someone dear to u) ask such stooopid Q
December 2nd, 2005 at 11:56 pm
Take it easy sweetie. You’re gonna be just fine.
December 3rd, 2005 at 12:33 pm
I’m sure everything will be alright too.
May the God bless you.
December 3rd, 2005 at 2:54 pm
hi minishorts…
I did argue with my single mom about these issues and sometimes, u just have to let things cool for a while…..
In time, talk to her again in clear perspective and make her aware that you will still be around and care for her , together with presence of Eric.
December 4th, 2005 at 1:33 am
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom
said, “Speak to us of Children.”
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so he loves
also the bow that is stable.
Kahlil Gibran
1883 - 1931
Lebanese poet, artist, and philosopher
December 4th, 2005 at 8:08 am
after you said ‘bare naked’ i was just looking for pictures. ah, well, you can’t win all the time, i guess.
December 5th, 2005 at 12:57 pm
I’m telling you the month of November and sliding in towards the end of the year, with all that Monsoon and heavy raining is bringing all sorts of emotional breakdown in everyone.
I know wan… sigh
December 5th, 2005 at 2:00 pm
*hugs* not to worry. someone up there says that when things go down, the only way left to go is up up up.
December 5th, 2005 at 3:33 pm
I’m going through the similar situation with my boyfriend - realizing ‘just how different we really are’ and not ‘quite decided what to do with this relationship yet’
It’s assuring to know I’m not alone.
All the best to you, minishorts!