When is the time right?
Oh the pain's gone, so no worries about that. Couldn't reply to the messages because I was busy checking out some other stuff. But I'm fine.
I just popped by to talk about the other news I found out. A very close friend told us last night that he was planning to get married at the end of the year. He told me this during the New Year celebrations and at that time, I was rather shocked. After all, they've only been dating since October last year.
And then I remembered, she's 27, he's 28, they're of course, of marriageable age. Since they're in love with each other, marriage is the obvious next step.
I think about relationships and what they mean to us at different points of times in our lives. I have friends who've been together for over 15 years and finally got married just recently. And then here's a pair who's only been going out for less than a year, and deciding to tie the knot at the end of 2006.
Obviously the difference was this: for the former couple, they started dating when they were only 14. Tying the knot 15 years later makes complete sense, doesn't it? You can't very well tie the knot after 6 months when you're only 14 years old, you won't be financially independant, and your maturity might not be at an ideal level, right?
I guess when you start off as high school sweethearts at the age of 16 or so, being together prior to a marriage probably entails several years of getting used to each other and finally deciding 'you're it'. But when the biological clocks start to tick, around the age of 27 to 35, love takes on a new definition, and it really isn't that strange to see people getting hitched after just a few months or a few weeks of being together.
After all, do you really need to be in a relationship for at least two years to decide whether the other person is ready for it?
It came to my attention that some people think that I am waiting for Eric to pop the question, I mean, after all, we've been together for about one year plus, and in a relationship that has its ups and downs, I'd like to think that this is one of my most serious and matured relationships ever.
Well, yes, and no. I'd say this, I think I'd be very, very, very flattered if my boyfriend does suddenly get down on his knees, so to speak, and ask if I'd like to spend the rest of my life together with him.
But if that scenario really happens tonight, I'm not quite sure how I'll react to it. I don't think I'll be jumping at the proposal in joy and saying yes immediately, and then rush online to gush about how Eric's proposed (finally!). You see, as much as I do dream of spending my life together with him forever, for now, there are so many things for me to consider: career, education, and money of course. Even if he did propose to me tonight, we'd probably need at least two to three years of saving up to be able to start our own family together.
The ultimate question remains this: at 25, am I really ready to be married and have a family of my own?
Besides, I'd like to have some time to let the new realities of life sink in around me first, and that is something that I have to do on my own. That's not to say that I don't feel the pressures building up around me yet, after all, many people around me are settling down with families of their own. Amongst girlfriends my age, our conversations revolve around how our partners are treating us, and the excitement and anticipation of wondering 'what's up for the next date'. We share and confide in each other in strangely petty issues, and blow tiny molehills out of proportion, because our fears are real, our concerns are real, our feelings for that special someone are real. We're all in love, and that's a joyfully right ingredient in the formula for relationship success.
Yet at the end of the day, am I ready yet?
I considered that question last night, whilst trying to push away the slight discomfort of 'OMG OMG OMG they're getting married before I do', and then I had to be utterly honest with myself. The problem with me now is just this: I not ready at all. Life has just begun for me, and I haven't really quite learnt how to live it alone, yet!
Life? I'm just living it today, and while Mum's constant strange questioning of, 'So is this guy the right one?' occasionally causes me to throw little fits, I'm still learning how to make it in the world alone, and I intend to do a bit of that for a while before deciding to take the plunge.
January 12th, 2006 at 6:04 pm
I have a friend who is getting married at the age of 23 (a year older than I am). She’s been dating the guy for two years (maybe less). I was pretty surpised. Guy’s 30 or 31 though. Hm.
January 12th, 2006 at 6:08 pm
Truth is you WANT to get married, but you’re AFRAID to get married.
All girls face that kinda feeling when they reach 25. er..and the past few entries kinda shows.heh…
I don’t know how old is your guy but, if the mans age is below 30. I’d say give it a few years to get to know each other. Personally i feel that 1 year+ is too short a time to getto know each other. When the time is right, the time is right and you’ll know it. And no i don’t mean the hollywood way = when ur pregnant la!!
January 12th, 2006 at 6:09 pm
Fashionasia: i think that’s the EXACT way of putting it… and add a few more things here and there lah.
i’m damn scared to leave the nest you know.
January 12th, 2006 at 6:28 pm
I don’t think you are ready for marriage. U r pretty, famous and educated and only 25. What’s the hurry? Unless ur Eric is org kaya la.Keep urself opens to other option.
January 12th, 2006 at 6:38 pm
Yay! I was right that you would write something like this. Honestly, you have to understand this. No one is ever ready for marriage, but they still put aside their fears and take the plunge, in the hope and belief that since meeting the perfect partner, everything will eventually work out.
The day when you finally say ‘Yes, I am ready to get married’ will never come. The more you delay, the more you start wondering.
So yeah, I’m predicting wedding bells for you this year and next year the latest.
January 12th, 2006 at 7:51 pm
I have a friend who’s 22 and just got married. Of course its got a little bit to do with the bulge in her tummy. Hehehehe
January 12th, 2006 at 8:11 pm
Alot of people find that age ranging 26-28 seems ideal to settle down. Thus when we’re reaching there, marriage is like the second step.
I see alot of couples who are still very loving. And they got married after barely a year knowing each other. But of course they’re some who didn’t even make it to the Paper Anniversary. I guess it doesn’t really matter at what age to get married. As long as both partners are commited, can communicate and accept each others’ good-and-bad.
In the end, it is our marriage. It is up to us to make things work OR let it down the drain….
January 12th, 2006 at 8:19 pm
‘The ultimate question remains this: at 25, am I really ready to be married and have a family of my own?’
Yes!
That was easy to answer!
January 12th, 2006 at 9:56 pm
Start planning babe. Save money for your wedding necessities, save money to buy a home for the both of you and save more money for rainy days. The BF and I banyak clever *perasan*. We’ve been dating each other for 2 years already (feels like we’ve known each other for years) and we’re both ready to move on to the next level hence the planning has already started (the saving, the future plans, career plans and stuffs like that)
Now what we’re waiting for is for me to get a job when I complete my studies and for our new home to be ready (in approx. 3 years time) If you start planning early (only if you’re both comfortable and both your families are alright with it), everything will fall into place easier than last minute rushes (at least for us, we have 2-3 years to save for our new life together when we get married)
Communication is very very important. You have to discuss what you want in life, what are your plans (when you wanna get married, settle down and start making babies and all) together as a couple and as separate individuals. There are SO freaking MANY things to plan and to look into (especially if the two person are of different religion). If you don’t talk it out now but do it only when you get married..trust me, you’ll have one heckuva time arguing and kicking Eric out to sleep in the living room
Like what Fashionasia said, if the time is right, you’d both know it, just like how Naz and I feel that the time is right to start heading towards marriage. If it weren’t coz I’m still in uni, you’d prolly have wedding bells ringing for me end of this year already =P
January 12th, 2006 at 10:24 pm
Marriage sucks. Too much financial and emotional burden.
House, car, children and their education, retirement, wedding dinner….
You have to put up with all the f*cked up kaypoh aunties and you have to fork out 30-40k cash upfront for the wedding dinner. (Not including bridal price)
It is very difficult to get married nowadays in such economic conditions, and the Chinese especially want FACE, so Chinese couples plunge into debts right after marriage.
That’s not the way to live, especially if the man allows himself to be plunged into debts by pressures from the parents and inlaws.
Either you tell the parents and in-laws to F*ck off or just don’t get married.
Best to not get married so you can focus fully to achieve your dreams.
Behind every successful man there’s a woman waiting with her hand out asking for cash.
January 12th, 2006 at 10:32 pm
Financial burdens only happen when there is lack of planning.
You must have been traumatised by either a bad marriage of yours or your parents
January 12th, 2006 at 11:09 pm
Look who’s talking. S-kay you’re still a student and you’ve never worked in a real job. Don’t try to teach anyone else about financial planning.
Stop living in your wonderland and stop embarassing yourself like you know anything about the real working world and financial planning.
Must be someone from a rich family who doesn’t know the life of the average person on the street.
People like you show how naive you are because you ain’t got a real job and any money you have is probably from mum and dad and you didn’t have to work hard for it. *LOL*
January 12th, 2006 at 11:16 pm
24 and their married. They have a job and everything. Of course when I asked him, he did say she is the one for him. Not like me to talk good friends out of marriage especially when you know they have been together since kids.
Sometimes love works. Other times it’s just another way to bleed. Personally I say if you want to get married, only you know when you’re ready. You’re already smart enough to know it. None of us can tell you whether of not you’re right for that plunge.
January 12th, 2006 at 11:34 pm
When the sex gets boring and you feel like making babies instead, then it is time to get hitched or rather nail the guy down with a license to own all of his properties.:mrgreen:
January 12th, 2006 at 11:53 pm
MANY married couples I know didn’t pay for their own wedding or house downpayment.
All sponsored by mummy and daddy.
They’re all Chinese couples.
How embarassing it must be. The same couples who’re unashamed to be on crutches sometimes have the cheek to preach about how easy it is to get married without worries about financials and all that, and have the cheek to say ‘it’s expensive because you didn’t plan your finance well’ when their marriage were mostly sponsored/paid for by their parents. Both my cousins had their parents paid for their whole wedding and even their house (bought in cash for them) and they’re from KL , university graduates even.
Life in Malaysia is not easy, cost of living is going up, wages are low, and car loans ain’t cheap. You need to pay what you earn to your parents as well. Most people average wages are at around 2.5 to 3k a month (The lucky ones with a university degree) For the average man he’ll not have much savings left after deducting all the typical financial obligations.
This 2006 year onwards it’s gonna get even tougher.
Naive ignorant unemployed spoilt brats like S-Kay should try getting a real job and living on her own before she starts lecturing anyone else on financial planning.
January 13th, 2006 at 12:11 am
actually, the host doesn’t loose much when it’s a chinese wedding dinner. the cost for the whole dinner usually pretty much evens out itself from the ang paus. it is always the other things that comes with a wedding which are costly (and have no ang paus to ease the burden).
so, other than the chinese dinners where people actually pay to eat, a wedding is pretty much on the losing side of business. financially, that is.
January 13th, 2006 at 12:16 am
The thing is you still have to fork out that initial 5 digit amount for the wedding.
Most couples I know don’t have that much and that’s where the parents chipped in.
You’re assuming every wedding can recover the expenses for the dinner.
What about weddings where certain in laws insisted on liquor and many tables/chairs for distant relatives, and people who are stingy with the ang pow ?
The Chinese culture, need to be done away with.
The wedding dinner one that is.
January 13th, 2006 at 12:19 am
Man…bitter la some people.
whatever happened to spending what you can afford?
January 13th, 2006 at 12:26 am
MarriageSucks: well, even if isn’t all that fairy-tale-come-true to you, there’s completely no harm in most of us wanting it to be wonderful and dreamy, right?
I wish I had a kitkat to offer you, but then you didn’t want to leave your e-mail address. so anyway: chill.
January 13th, 2006 at 1:18 am
it’s not exactly an assumption, like i said, the cost PRETTY MUCH evens out. sure i can go on and add the other financial misadventures but is that really the point? you’re already losing couple of thousands for the gowns and photoshoots and what-nots, so what is a few crates of house wine and people skimming on the ang paus, eh?
sure, some couples might need to borrow for the initials. so? they borrow. that’s pretty much it.
if you think the establishment of a marriage is too much of a financial hassle, that’s pretty much it. there isn’t much you can do about it. it’s a reality. nothing to do with chinese culture or any other culture. wedding cost money, no matter what culture or currency.
btw, every culture have monster in-laws and showy parents, but i have to add this bit, since you are so aghast against the idea of a chinese wedding. you see, a chinese wedding is actually the only sort where there is any chance of easing the financial burden caused by old-generation nightmares. a chinese wedding dinner is a healthy gamble for a chance to recuperate a little. you do it any other way, you end up getting a toaster from tesco.
wedding is a wonderful experience for the couple. you pay when you go to disneyland, don’t you? wait, maybe you didn’t, so how about sunway lagoon, then. the fact is, unless you choose not go to a theme park, disneyland or sunway lagoon, you still need to pay. and, so you pay for a wedding (any style). you pay for the experience, you pay for the memories.
the wedding ceremony is human’s way of getting out of single-hood in a “Bang!” most people like it that way. it’s their choice how loud they want it to be.
maybe you’re just bitter you didn’t get to set your own volume.
January 13th, 2006 at 7:19 am
what if he were to porpose tonight? would u say “Yes”?
January 13th, 2006 at 9:05 am
from the way you keep on posting something about marriage, it does made you look like you want to get married.
January 13th, 2006 at 9:13 am
i think we need to distribute some kitkat, mentos and some halls too.
Amidst these arguements. I just wanna say that. “getting married” doesnt mean the dinner or getting a house or who’s paying for what. All of that are insignificant items. The “new life” part is normally what we women tend to worry about. Like who’s gotta do what chores? are u living with the outlaws? are u ok with his snoring?? u know….THAT kinda stuffs. The wedding day/dinner fuss is only but a day.
January 13th, 2006 at 10:05 am
Marriagesucks : You’re so bitter. No point wasting my time over your bitter comments and your silly pointless assumptions. My comments were given to MS as an opinion and it’s for her to take if she wants to but definitely not for you to come spitting your bitter words over me.
Fashionasia is more realistic when it comes to the subject of marriage. She is afterall a newly wed
Btw girl, you have to add, “Are you ok with him farting around in the house (in the covers..outside the covers)” 
January 13th, 2006 at 10:24 am
Marriages happen when the circumstances and the person is right. If either one doesn’t come into the equation, you won’t get married.
At least that is what my married friends tell me. Usually, it is expected that couples around our age marry anywhere between two to three years of dating. When you tell people that you’re getting hitched after three years of going out, they’ll tell you “it’s about bloody time”.
Personally, marry only when 1) you are convinced that this relationship *will* work out (meaning you both are equally serious about making it work and willing to comprimise) and 2) you are ready for the things that come after marriage, namely finances, bad habits and children. Accidents, after all, do happen.
(Of course there are other things…)
January 13th, 2006 at 11:39 am
now, many seem to be against MarriageSucks, but i for one, agree with him for some points highlighted…on the expensive chinese wedding dinner and parents sponsoring the dinner/house/cars for the newlywed couples…not to say that everyone is like that, but it’s a fact that there are many people out there who are lucky enough to be born with such privileges…and i can totally relate with he kept harping abt chinese wedding…an average chinese couple in KL wud spend an average of 35-40k for the wedding banquet ALONE…on the other side, a regular malay wedding banquet is usually held in the house…and even in hotels, the rates for malay wedding banquet are all a few hundred RM cheaper. wat abt a regular indian wedding? the biggest/grandest indian wedding i’ve attended was held in a community hall (which is actually the norm, as they usually have 1000+ guests), and food were served buffet style…and the bride told me that the cost is abt RM5 to 6+ per head…which adds to abt RM5-6k for the whole dinner.
Shanks: yes, angpaus will even out the dinner cost only if u’re having it in an average chinese restaurant. try the 5-star hotels…CHEAPEST rates in mandarin and shangrila start at 1288++ per table, or slightly cheaper 5-star prince, at 998++ per table…and dats excluding liqour, other cost (from the dinner)…now, unless each and every single of your 200-300 guest gives an angpau of RM150 (per head), there’s little hope of ‘breaking even’ or even reaping profits from the dinner…truth be told, RM100 angpau per head for hotel dinner is oso oredi considered very “give face”…and yes, as what MarriageSucks sed, it’s not really the point of getting the angpau to pay for the dinner…it’s getting the initial 5-figure amount for the booking/upfront payment…and many couples turn to their parents for this.
but with all that sed, yes, marriage is indeed an experience u have to pay for like tiket masuk sunway lagoon. personally, for me, it’s sufficient to have a small, intimate wedding reception for the closest 60 frns/ families and invest the rest of the budget into a honeymoon/new home, or save for the future family…at the end of the day, marriage after all, is the affair of the two persons involved, and im not into loud (expensive) one-day “bang”
January 13th, 2006 at 12:27 pm
Marriage Sucks - Geees, you trying to out comment me or something????
Not all marriages suck. When mine was good, it was good, and when it sucked, it sucked bad … and I think I might have been through a sight more than you did with yours. After all, my Ex try to insure me for $1 Million and kill me off. Not many people have that happen to them.
Your problem seems to have been similar to my own, in the fact that we married money hungry women who had no emotional attachment to the world or others.
BUT, I’ve seen plenty of marriages where the opposite was true too (ie Money hungry men using women).
My first marriage may have sucked, but it hasn’t put me off marriage, as I’ve seen plenty of marriages that work really well.
Anyway, it’s not just Chinese marriage culture which Costs a fortune. My ex and I had a cheap wedding (in 1990) and I was still 5 figures in debt after it, as I paid for it. Most cultures expect grand weddings, and after all, it is the brides day. It’s the one day that they are gauranteed to BE the centre of attention. After that, there are no guarantees for them, but if the couple are well suited to each other, and work at their marriage, it will be a happy successful one.
As for your ANTI-MARRIAGE list:
House, car, children and their education, retirement, wedding dinner….
Whether you get married or NOT the house, car and retirement are going to happen anyway, so they don’t belong on a list of financial marriage woes. If you have kids outside of marriage (as some couples do), then the same can be said for the kids … but let’s assume we’re talking about someone avoiding marriage who doesn’t have kids, so we’ll leave them on the list for arguements sake.
So, your list really only consists of the KIDS and Education, and wedding (I’ll include the entire wedding and not just the dinner as you did, as I paid for mine from the cars, dinner, dress etc through to the honeymoon. Basically I paid for EVERYTHING and my family and In-Laws didn’t pay for anything).
But, your jaded comments really only account for bad marriages. Not everyone will have them, and whether it was your intention or not,you seem to be coming across as having something against ALL Marriages.
Normally when people get married, I wish them all the best. The only time I ever cautioned someone NOT to get married, the guy did it anyway, and a year or so later it was over.
The reason I cautioned him was he was having problems with his GF and thought getting married would cure the woes. As I told him, any problem UNRESOLVED will remain in the marriage and be a problem. I was right, but I never told the guy ‘I Told you so’.
So I hope you are able to see that Marriage may have sucked for you, but it won’t for everyone, so you have no need to be so negative.
January 13th, 2006 at 12:44 pm
sure you agree to his points. but is it relevant? i’m sure others can relate to it. i’m quite sure everyone knows a few couples who borrow from their parents to have a grand wedding. but do you see anyone getting all bitter over this?
is there a moral issue here? that people should not have big chinese weddings? people get in debts securing education loans. people get in depts buying big cars and house mortgages. it’s a rat race and for most, weddings included. so why fault wedding only?
you want a small wedding. “so?” others choose to wed in style. “so?” again. will it please you more if everyone has the same small wedding like yours? will it make MarriageSucks less bitter? i’m betting on a “yes, maybe”.
January 13th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
dang, dabido clicked “submit comment” before i did. i really should start adding these.
MarriageSucks -
Oreo Shake -
January 13th, 2006 at 1:44 pm
Some people here thinks marriage is only a 2 person’s affair.
How naive they must be. Bet you never experienced wagging tongues among relatives for being a scrooge on your wedding banquet or not living up to THEIR expectations of how grand the wedding should be.
Those reputation sticks to you among your in laws and relatives for life. People may insult you with ‘If you’re not capable of spending that amount of money on the wedding for our daughter then you shouldn’t have married her’ that kind of look. Even better when you have that flatly said right in your face.
S-kay go get a real job and stop trying to make it look like you know anything about this topic.
Most of the girls seem so optimistic about marriages because they and their family don’t F*CKING need to pay a single cent! Some like S-kay even have her parents sponsoring her for everything, from daily pocket money and probably her car which she didn’t need to pay a single cent for as well. Spoilt rich brats who don’t need to work. I pity your future-husband who’ll have to put up with your naivity. Then again desperate men will put up with anything.
Usually it’s the groom or his parents that had to subsidize the wedding. The in laws even get a bride price ranging from 5 to 10k.
All of you avoided the wages and cost of living part in Malaysia.
Come give your opinions about marriage again after 7 f*cking years and still feel like f*cking each other passionately.
January 13th, 2006 at 1:55 pm
MarriageSucks: whatever makes you tick, my friend. but it would do very well if you could be more civilized to Skay please. she has her right to her ideals, and you have the right to disagree with her, but if you have to express them, fine by me, just don’t resort to personal attacks, if you please.
If you really need to settle issues with my readers, do so in private. Otherwise you’re not looking very credible at all.
January 13th, 2006 at 2:03 pm
I’ll repeat what I read in another blog somewhere:
MarriageSucks,
If you are going to make multiple comments, stating your case over and over again AND if they are going to be as long as the entry, why don’t you go blog about it???
January 13th, 2006 at 3:07 pm
MS : It’s ok. Let him go on with his repetitious rantings and personal attacks on me. I will not allow myself to sink down to his level (uncivilised so to say) and counter back on whatever he said here for I feel that if I do so, I might actually put him to shame and look more ridiculous than he already is (here).
I am after all a RICH spoilt brat who is sponsored from head to toe by her parents and a NAIVE one as well
January 13th, 2006 at 4:19 pm
I’m been married for 5 years plus and I do agree with some points of Marriage Sucks especially on the financial part,(all my savings gone on the marriage expenses and EPF a substantial part gone on the housing loan). Have to tighten the belt, very rarely Bangsar & fancy restaurant to chill out.
And I also have friends whom relationship doesn’t work out (divorces, separation)…., they have to fire sale house and etc..
But I believe all these are all challenges that is thrown on our path and is a natural progression of life.
As for parents to chip in, I think this is very natural lar for young couples (22 to 24) as they just only starting out in life. (Some parents that I know of even buy a house or help put up the downpayment)
January 13th, 2006 at 4:37 pm
dabido: sorry to hear abt ur failed marriage…the insurance bit is really sad. hope u’ve found peace within urself.
MarriageSucks: a marriage IN ESSENCE is 2 persons affair, but the wedding itself, yes, it’s a totally different story.
shanks: i made my comments from the objective/factual point of view, therefore MarriageSucks’ bitterness is irrelevant to me. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with seeking assistance from ur parents to pay for a grand wedding IF ur parents are rich and well to do. It would however, be a sin if u try to siphon the last 20k of ur 70y.o parents’ savings just so u can save face and have a grand wedding - here arises the “moral issue”-it really depends on how financially well-to-do the parents are. Are you married urself and ur parents chipped in for it? ur answer is irrelevant to me, but it might answer some moral issue within urself that u’re trying to avoid.
U also questioned, what makes getting into debt/spending money on education, house and car different from getting into debt/spending it on wedding dinner? can education really equate wedding dinner? whichever way u look at it, car and house are life’s necessities; can u honestly say that a grand wedding dinner be considered one?
and funny that u seem to take my preference for small wedding gruffly when i specifically mentioned “PERSONALLY, FOR ME” (coz my husband and in-laws are going for the opposite). Well yes, i prefer small wedding (even tho i’m not paying a cent of the 40k allocated budget)…”so”?
anyway minishorts, to answer ur initial question “am i ready yet?” (sorry for the long, cheong-hei detour)…hmm, i think if u’re still asking urself that question, the answer is most probably a no. when u’re ready, that question won’t surface at all.
cheers everyone, it’s such a lovely day out there!
January 13th, 2006 at 5:33 pm
WM : You’re right about all those being challenges thrown as it is part of life. My parents had to borrow money from their relative to have downpayment for the house we’re living comfortably in now because no matter what, you need your own shelter over your head when you have your own family (not tumpang tumpang). The whole family could barely breathe and had to tighten our stomachs and save as much as we can. But slowly, the whole process makes you more mature and wiser and if the couple is still together, it’s an achievement and at least you’re both stronger in many ways (especially through horrible arguments)
Oreo shake : Most of the time, as far as I know, young couples do not seek extravagant weddings (maybe rich ones immediately do) but they do seek something different (hopefully) within their means to make it a memorable one. It is usually the parents (especially the groom side) who insist on having big weddings to announce that their son is getting married (and sometimes to show off) which I am honestly annoyed by most of the time. Like you, personally for me..I too prefer a small wedding but I do not think it’s possible as the man’s side is most definitely going the opposite direction. To go against their wishes would be disrespectful (because they’re the nicest people around) even though in my mind, “It’s my wedding..NOT YOURS”. If I had a huge backyard at my place, I would probably have one right there in the future (ala Americano) but I have no choice.
It is because of our culture, weddings are like that (especially the chinese culture). It is because of our culture that children respect their parents and do not go, “Oi…I do what I like for my wedding..you just fork out the money”.
January 13th, 2006 at 5:38 pm
But of course..children nowadays are getting more kurang ajar…they might say just that to their parents
January 13th, 2006 at 7:27 pm
quoting MarriageSucks:
Marriage sucks. Too much financial and emotional burden.
House, car, children and their education, retirement, wedding dinner….
You have to put up with all the f*cked up kaypoh aunties and you have to fork out 30-40k cash upfront for the wedding dinner. (Not including bridal price)
It is very difficult to get married nowadays in such economic conditions, and the Chinese especially want FACE, so Chinese couples plunge into debts right after marriage.
That’s not the way to live, especially if the man allows himself to be plunged into debts by pressures from the parents and inlaws.
Either you tell the parents and in-laws to F*ck off or just don’t get married.
quoting Oreo Shake:
It would however, be a sin if u try to siphon the last 20k of ur 70y.o parents’ savings just so u can save face and have a grand wedding – here arises the “moral issue”
so Oreo, read these a couple of times. absorb. pretty please, be a little bit more objective. i was replying to the bitterness in his plight. the pressure from the elderly generation of relatives to hold a grand wedding which leads to borrowing money, which of course, is unfortunate.
but he can’t fault others for wanting a big wedding, can he? so forget about your small little wedding, which is of course, irrelevant here. so don’t start adding your own clauses of if’s. no point justifying a wedding ceremony in your financial sense. a wedding is different experience for everyone. there are more sentimental values than just ringgits.
January 13th, 2006 at 7:36 pm
Oreo Shake - Thnx for the kind words.
My inner peace is fine.
January 14th, 2006 at 12:09 am
Lots of people with knickers in twists.
Marriagesucks has very valid and realistic points. Pity about the delivery though.
It’s quite true about the groom(and/or his parents) often having to bear a significant portion of the wedding expenses. Let’s not forget the diamond ring. In my 30-ish circle, that’s easily in excess of RM8k.
As with most things in life, there’s always a grey cloud surrounding the silver lining. Doesn’t make the lining any less…silver.
That aside. The question of whether one is ready should be answered not only by ticking off a checklist of positives, but also weighing it against a checklist of negatives.
Too many people get married on the strength of ONLY a checked-off “good” list. Too many get divorced because they didn’t consider, or totally ignored the “bad” list and it caught up and bit them in the butt.
Marriage is making a commitment to witness every aspect of the other’s life. There is just no room for selective blindness. You have to take a good hard look at the bad bits and decide whether or not you can live with it.
You weigh the ticks on the good list against the ticks on the bad list. And only then, are you ready to make the decision.
January 14th, 2006 at 4:50 am
well… blame it on the culture
I’m 29 this year.. i am getting married this march.
expense is now comming up to Rm23000.
why ? cos wedding pics itself costs Rm3000. Anything less and it looks so cheap and it’s real bad.
A women have up to age of 30yrs . Cos after 35 is not considered recommeded for babies..
So have to kahwin now la.
I blame it on the culture. hence all pricess go up. the restaurants.. the “siew chu”, the photos.. everything..
Mind you i paid my own wedding from my EPF.. lucky me…
but at the end of the day it’s a good thing i wud say. keep her happy and all.. and hope everything works out.
January 14th, 2006 at 5:19 am
Spot : Although what you said was spot on correct, don’t you think that no matter how many ticks you make or how much you weigh the good list against the bad list, there’s bound to be unforseen circumstances awaiting you from the marriage? It is a risk that every newlyweds take. How you handle your marital problems would show the strength of your relationship and indirectly, prove whether the saying “Love conquers all” does exist *coughs*
Marriage was and will never be a bed of roses. Only blind fools and romantic dreamers would believe so. Those who complained of how costly big weddings are should have foreseen all those coming when they made the decision to propose to their lovely bride. Those who complained after the wedding about how much they’re in debt should reflect back on themselves and ask themselves why did they spend beyond what they can afford. If you can’t afford big weddings, then have it. Right, it’s the FACE of the family they want or HAD to uphold. Then that’s just too bad but don’t put the whole fault on marriage as though it’s the worst thing to ever happen. My parents NEVER had a huge wedding because they couldn’t afford it. They knew that they could borrow money here and there for a lavish once in a lifetime wedding but heck, why spend beyond your means.
Marriagesucks definitely did have valid points on the ‘liability’ of a marriage albeit the personal ridiculous attacks on me. He mentioned that the emotional and financial burden is just too heavy (for him). As I mentioned earlier on in (9), planning is essential because that was what my parents taught me and still constantly reminds me. The reason why people have family planning and 5 years plan ahead is so you would have ample time to SAVE. If you don’t think you’re ready to carry the burden of having a kid yet, then don’t. If your salary is not enough to finance the loan, then discuss with your parents about staying with them first until you’re ready to get a home. (Note to Marriagesucks: Before you say anything like, “Yeah, that’s easy for you to say because you’re a rich spoilt brat whose parents paid for everything”, we’re financing the loan of the home ourselves). Downpayments for homes are usually the tough part because they require a certain lump sum within 14 days (depending on the contract). This is because no matter how much you save, you might not be able to save enough but for couples who are sure that they’re gonna get married and plan to get a home like maybe in 3 years time? There would be ample time for them to save (as they’re working), if not…get a loan from your parents and be sure to pay them back (without interest :wink:). Of course, some of you might say it’s easy for you to say that saving is easy but how is that, a man who earns an average of RM2500-RM3000 can save at least RM200 every month? It’s because he’s a wise spender and a good financial planner.
Education for your kids is not the tough part. Again, I was calculating with my mom the other day about saving for your kids’ education. The reason why people find it hard to finance their kids’ education is because they tend to do the, “Nak berak baru gali lubang”. Saving even RM100 (each) a month from the couple’s salary (I’m taking in account that they’re both working) would save you alot of trouble when your kids starts uni especially. Of course, I haven’t taken into account that you might have a salary increase and year end bonuses which you could take part of it to chip into the savings account.
Alot of things can be avoided if you’re a proper planner but like marriage, you have to give allowance for unforseen circumstances as it is always easier said than done but AT LEAST there’s a plan. On the emotional side..well, you can’t plan anything much here can you? It’s up to the couple themselves on whether they want to make it work or not.
But what do I know right? I may one day say this to another person, *”Come give your opinions about marriage again after 7 fcking years and still feel like fcking each other passionately”*. Who knows
January 14th, 2006 at 5:32 am
Pensilshapener : I like it when you said, *”A women have up to age of 30yrs . Cos after 35 is not considered recommeded for babies..
So have to kahwin now la”*, because it shows that you’re sensitive towards your future wife. The reason why some women macam tak sabar-sabar wanna kahwin is because of this. If they could have babies anytime just as how men can produce sperms until the day they die, then I guess people would take their time in getting married. That’s also why you get people marrying around the age of 26-28. Like they always say, *”A woman’s youth will not last forever”*
I remember someone said this before, *”Marriage is for making babies”* and my mom said to me, *”If you don’t want babies then don’t get married”*
January 14th, 2006 at 8:47 am
Hi,
I got married 3 years ago at the age of 27. I paid for everything myself, including the wedding, dinner, ring, flowers, etc. The secret? Plan the wedding you can afford-lah! Nobody is asking you to have your wedding at a 5-star hotel. In fact, I actually *made money* from my wedding dinner
We kept a strict budget, (tracked by spreadsheet), and hit it pretty well. We made the cards ourselves, and printed it on our bubblejet.
January 14th, 2006 at 1:34 pm
why nobody mention abt ?? ?
pensilsharper - so how much ?? are u giving?
January 14th, 2006 at 1:35 pm
why nobody mention abt ?? ? dunno how to said in english becos english ppl dun practise this..haha
pensilsharper - so how much ?? are u giving?
January 14th, 2006 at 10:42 pm
I think I have to marry someone Chinese next, as I have no idea how you make money at a wedding.
Even if I take into account all the wedding presents and stuff we received (which the wife kept after the divorce anyway), it didn’t come close to the amount we spent on the wedding.
HOW DO YOU MAKE MONEY? Waaaah!
January 15th, 2006 at 5:35 am
“ahlian says:
January 14th, 2006 at 1:34 pm
why nobody mention abt ?? ?
pensilsharper – so how much ?? are u giving? ”
You mean the dowry ar ? Um, between 5k to 3k so makea guess… hehe
Skay, you mentioned about youth will not last forever hence time sometimes is not on our side.
Things are preety rushed and costly.. arrgh…
bye bye romantica proposals..
As for planning..susah le when u fidn out to set make up and hairdo costs Rm600 for 2 days job..
January 15th, 2006 at 11:06 am
pensilsharper : er any rewards for guessing ah?
LOVE is for someone who understand how to love themselves
-ahlian-
January 15th, 2006 at 1:24 pm
Pensilshapener : Yeah…no more romantica-spontaneous-out-of-nowhere proposals when you plan!! As for the make up and hairdo..I think all women who know that they wanna get married should start saving bit by bit for their make up and hairdo ler (including the trials).At least can help save some money mah. Heh.
January 16th, 2006 at 8:51 am
ahlian, hehehe hm… rewards// if you can guess i’ll bring you to KEMAMAN KOPITIAM for coffee.. hehe but then you have to drive to kuantan.. hahaha (i’m in Kl though but i do go to ktn occasionally)
S-Kay… ya lor..expensive le.. but saving is one thing.. and commitment to family is another.. 20-30cent of my pay goes to the family.. leh
susah le..
Ha well.. we’ll see how it goes maybe doing it at THAI THONG will bring me luck ?
January 16th, 2006 at 10:56 am
I guess it’s normal ler. Those who’s getting married should see the commitment (financially) coming to them if not…don’t marry =P
Hope things will go well for you. The only way to make things better is to work harder for a better pay
Heh.
January 16th, 2006 at 11:40 am
pensilsharper : dun 1….
January 17th, 2006 at 10:32 pm
Being sure of what you want and not want at the moment is genuine wisdom.
Wish you all the best.
January 19th, 2006 at 12:52 am
eksyen pulak this ahlian..
January 19th, 2006 at 12:54 am
pensilsharper : wait…on the phone…
January 19th, 2006 at 7:37 pm
I got married at the age of 26 (seemed like only yesterday hehe), we paid for everything ourselves, and we’ve still not yet filed for bankruptcy.:razz: Agree with Andrew, it’s not impossible, just plan the wedding well, work within your budget, and don’t give a damn what other people think.
Yes, a wedding IS about the 2 people marrying each other. Why give a flying toss about what the yee ma ku chehs have to gossip behind your back? It’s as big a problem as you allow it to be. As long as you know what you’re doing, and you keep both sets of the parents informed, you can pretty much do what you want since you’re bankrolling it. Okay, having understanding parents on both sides that don’t interfere too much with the plans helps too.:grin:
“After all, do you really need to be in a relationship for at least two years to decide whether the other person is ready for it?”
>>> IMHO, it’s pretty irrelevant how long the couple has been dating before marriage. Marriage is just a pitstop in the Your Whole Life GP race, you’re not at the chequered flag yet.:razz:
“The ultimate question remains this: at 25, am I really ready to be married and have a family of my own?”
>>> The ultimate answer is (and I’ve used this on all my friends who asked that question), are you ready to give up your current lifestyle and mould it around your spouse, in-laws, future kids? You can’t do what you want, when you want anymore, because you have other people to consider. You have a role to play as a spouse (note the gender-neutral term) horr… and just wait till kids arrive! Hehehe… if scary thoughts started running riot through your head, then no you are not ready yet.
Oh and to that fellow who posted “Come give your opinions about marriage again after 7 fcking years and still feel like fcking each other passionately.”
Marriage is not only about sex. While I agree on some of your earlier points about how ridiculously exorbitant wedding expenses can get, I now see what are your priorities. Shows how credible you are to ‘advise’ the rest here about weddings and marriages.
January 21st, 2006 at 4:29 am
Lol wat phone ? I tot it was the smoke signals ?