just minishorts.

Kenny snapped this photo sometime in November last year.

p.s. If you give Elaine some loving already, maybe she'll feel pressured and blog another post for me to read. So go.

Excuse me for a day, please, because today I'm going to pretend to be a smart-ass know-it-all. That's just because occasionally, I AM YOUR MOST RELIABLE AGONY AUNT, and when it comes how how to get the girl, occasionally, I'm pretty well-enabled to provide you with some valuable methods.

But really, when the Pianist asks you what he ought to get for a girl he likes, you just have to pull out the resources and do your best to provide help, in any way possible. And then he asked me, 'But really, Claire, if you had a choice, what's a good gift to receive?'

'I don't know. Maybe a bottle of perfume. Wait a minute, what's your budget?'
'Somewhere below a hundred.'
'Awww… I was thinking DKNY's Be Delicious.'

Of course that was entirely fuelled by personal reasons, so I told him this, 'She'll turn out smelling like green apples, quite sexy you know.'

He went to look for the bottle and came back to tell me it cost a little bit over RM250. 'I don't want to scare her with something too extravagant.'

Well, that's fair, and in the end he got her something less lavish, but still above his initial budget of RM100. I'm not going to tell you what it is here, lest she, errr, reads my blog, and realizes that the Pianist is after her.

A few days after Valentine's, I asked the Pianist if it worked. It pleased me to know that the results were pretty much fantastic as the girl actually asked him out for a Valentine's dinner AND a midnight movie.

'That's good. Did you hold her hand?'
'No! You xiao ah?'
'What you mean I'm xiao? No, heck, how many times have you been out together?'
'Urm, a few times, I guess.'
'And izzit always a one-on-one date?'

Sometimes dates come in packs… I once knew someone who thought he would stand out by asking the girl of his dreams to be his girlfriend at a weekend party with the varsity mates. Needless to say, he was a complete failure.

The Pianist told me they'd gone out alone a few times, previously, and it was always one-on-one.

'And you've never held her hand. '
'No.'
'Like what are you waiting for, dude?'
'Cannot so fast lah. Scare her away then how.'
'NO, way, you HAVE TO HOLD HER HAND. Like, what's wrong with you, man? How long do you want to take? Another ten dates?'
'Well maybe. I don't know.'
'Eh, she'll be thinking what's wrong with you and then some guy will come along and that's it lah.'
'I don't know lah.'
'Aiyoh you DON'T HAVE TO KNOW much to grab her hand lah, just take it.'
'Cannot just take like that lah, must ask first.'
'Then ask lah.'
'I don't know how to ask her.'

Now here's the thing that boggles me. Izzit really, really, THAT necessary to say it aloud, 'Please be my girlfriend?'

Really, really, really? Really! Those are merely formalities, and formalities can be oh so boring. I mean, you've ALWAYS heard about the girl who tells you how she's cornered in a car, where the two of them are alone, and then he asks, 'So what do you think, can we get together?'

Variations of the same kind include, 'Would you like to spend time with me exclusively, me as your boyfriend?'

'Can I fuck you?' 'Can I be your boyfriend?' 'Will you let me fuck you?' 'Will you be my girlfriend?'

SO. VERY. BORING. AND. UNORIGINAL.

'Come come, now,' I told the Pianist. 'Look, does she wear a bracelet?'

'No, hey. I'm not sure. Maybe. Why?'
'Well, well, you can very well use the bracelet as a technique, you know?'
'Like huh? How?'
'You know, you take her to somewhere NORMAL for a meal, it doesn't have to be expensive, and you, you know, test the water by looking at her wrist for a bit. And then, you compliment her on her bracelet, or bangle, or whatever she has there. Her watch also can.'
'Uh-huh.'
'And then you reach out, and ever so slightly, touch her wrist…'
'WAH LAU EH, WHERE CAN LIKE THAT?!!'

But come on, everybody knows that the wrists are hotspots that trigger the heart to beat wildly.

'Why not?' I said. 'Trust me it works. You pretend to adjust the bracelet, and make sure you have skin-contact, and then, keeping your eye on her wrist, you ask her, with a quiet sigh, "Do you like it when I do this?"… bao she will fall for it.'

'Wahlao…Sure or not.'
'Confirm can.'
'You experienced this before izzit.'

Hehe. I'm not telling. But really, let's all wish the Pianist some luck. Or share some tips. Whatever rocks, and whatever works, please.

Tell me I'm hot.

And then please pretend that the huge zit on my cheek isn't there. It's a beauty spot, I tell you, a beauty spot!

Getting this crap out of the way before Monday begins…

Don't you just hate hate hate hate soon-to-be-married folks who behave as if they're the only ones in the entire world who're in a relationship?

Stupid condescending attitudes these people have, let me let you in to a little well-known secret: Marriage is not the end okay? It's just the bloody beginning. LOTS OF MARRIAGES END UP IN SHAMBLES THESE DAYS, so stop being so bloody cocky.

I just had the most God-awful experience on the phone!!

See I'm always apprehensive when the Caller ID on the screen says, 'Withheld'. Usually it means some guy from some company is calling me up to sell some product. This time it's a girl. But it took me like one whole bloody minute to realize where she was calling from and later, what the fuck she was talking about.

DAMN I hate being rude on the phone. But This time, CITIBANK has really outdone itself. Good golly, if anyone who works in Citbank here is reading this, I'm sorry, but the people in your Telemarketing department really, really need to learn some conversational skills.

See it took me like 3 bloody times of asking, 'Excuse me' to realize that this girl was calling from Citibank. Even then, it was almost impossible to interrupt the girl because the chick didn't seem to know that when you're in a telephone conversation, you damn hell need to wait for your turn before you continue to speak.

After saying the classic 'Citibank' line, she told me her name, and went on to mumble a very long sentence which made no bloody sense to me at all. SHE SOUNDED AS IF SHE STUFFED AN ENTIRE DONUT INTO HER MOUTH and pushed all the accents of the world into a single sentence in an effort to sound educated damn it. And because I didn't, for the love of God, I couldn't get any inkling of wtf she was blabbing about, I had no choice but to go, 'I'm sorry, but could you repeat that?'

She went, 'Yes,' and then proceeded to wait for a WHOLE ETERNITY before going on again, 'OK I SHALL GO ON.'

GOOD LORD, WHICH PART OF 'Could you repeat that?' is so fucking hard to understand damn it? So I said it again, 'I said, I don't understand what you're saying. Can you say it again?'

And then again,' Yes,' and the eternity pause. Then she goes and say this awfully clever line, hu-hu, 'Ok , would you prefer to speak in Chinese or Malay?'

LIKE WTF? I want to speak in English lah damn it. I said, 'Er. I'd rather speak in English.'

Then again, 'Yes,' and ANOTHER ETERNITY PAUSE!! AND THEN, TO TOP IT OFF, she didn't even pass the phone to someone who COULD be more eloquent than her, she just CONTINUED WITH READING HER PREPARED TELEPHONIST SCRIPT, and then I caught the words, 'PROTECTION PLAN', and by then I had to bloody scream into the phone.

'Stop stop stop stop, you're saying 'Protection plan'?'
'Yes, Propecdon plan.'
'OK.'
'Are you free now?'
'Not really.'
'OK THIS PROPECDON PLAN IS..'
'I said I'm NOT free. And I don't understand what you're saying.'
'OH OK you free at what time?'
'Call me back after work.. Maybe seven.'

Asswipes says I'll buy your stupid protection plan, damn it. Get a good telephonist first, else how the fuck am I going to be convinced that you'll do a good job protecting the things I buy if you can't even employ people who speak understandable English?!