just minishorts.

What's so bad about being contradictory, anyway?

I can't recall just how many times I've put my foot in my own mouth. I'm not proud of all these promises I said I'd do but never kept, but neither am I ashamed to admit that there are times when I've said the wrong things, or made the wrong decisions. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry, but I'll tell you this much also, I don't quite like saying sorry, but I guess that's not up to me to decide. Occasionally, I have to say it… and damn, if I were as unflexible as a standing tower, you'd find me terribly rigid. And that is something I am not.

You know how the cycle of life goes, cyclical. You fall down, you stand up, and then after a while, you will just trip and fall again.

Like the time I sought God and denied him because I chose not to believe. Or the second time I sought God and I had faith and He was there to receive me again, because only God can ever be so forgiving. I am but unworthy, but He loves me. So I accept.

That's almost Christian.

But I'm no where near that. I am the least of all. Was that a song again?

It's a return to faith. A cyclical experience. Up down, up down and up again. Right now, I'm just on a monotonous path, the one where the bumps aren't nearly so significant, and that's why I had to reexamine the old promises I made to myself.

One, in particular, stood out like a sore thumb. Old-time readers would remember this. Almost many years ago, when I first started the blog, my first relationship broke down in shambles. Like the broken hearted teenager who was convinced that she could only love ONCE in her entire lifetime, I told that 'unfortunate fella who didn't know what gems he had in his life' this "I don't care what you think now. I will prove you wrong. I will wait. Even if it takes five years, ten years, I will be here for you."

Gah. Most. Fucking. Stupid. Line. I. Have. Ever. Uttered. Ever. Ever. Ever.

Because I'm never going to keep that promise, so it's as good as broken. It took me just six months to completely forget about that silly promise, and now that many years have passed, I remember that day with a shake of my head and curse myself senseless for ever thinking that what I said then was true.

We're such fickle-minded creatures, eh? Incapable of keeping a promise, incapable of faith. No wonder God is so displeased with all of us. Oh well.

If I ever met that guy now, I guess I'll just look him in the eye and said, 'Oh you, you're a figment of the past. There's only two things I can thank you for now. One, for giving me good memories, of course you deserve them. Two, for teaching me what bastards some men can be, and letting me go. It would be complete blasphemy if I were still with you right now.'

…

And then, times like now, you just can't help but keep asking the same question that will forever remain unanswered (well, at least to me), 'Just what am I here for? Why do these people have to turn up in my life?'

My bet is we're all here to fulfill God's great big plan. Just tell me if you know what that is.

And oh, forgive me if this post offends you. Actually you don't have to, but I require that you pretend to. It's a personal blog after all, and ever so occasionally, I become me again.

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