Fact: Horny men get lousy sex.
Or none at all.
At least, that's my skewed perception, and fucking hey (I know disclaimers are pointless, but I think I'd best get it out of the way), you don't have to agree with me. AND BESIDES, where's that lousy old line again, I'm a woman damn it, of course my lines are almost sexist and one-sided. But then what I say might not be the opinion of women worldwide.
It's just that, just that, I was looking around the blogosphere, snooping around that is, and I came across some blogs by men whose posts chronicled intricate, explicit bits of very personal he-she encounters. OH craps, sex of course. In words, spelt out, described with all that 'She chewed on my chest' bits…
And I'm sorry damn it, but I'm utterly not convinced. On the contrary, I feel quite annoyed actually, and instead of feeling 'wow', I go, 'the fuck'. That's what happens when the writing comes across as stilted, forced, and almost-tried-hards.
Sad.
You know Erotica isn't Erotica unless it is appealing, and reading posts like that just brings me back to my holier-than-thou (but of course it is, it is my blog, isn't it?) opinion that men just can't write Erotica, even if they tried hard enough. Or just let me put it in a more politically correct way, okay? Men can't write Erotica that will appeal to a female audience.
You know what I mean by appealing right? Appealing simply means that you wanna go back for more, read more, because reading all these stuff about how he breathes over her face and she feels like she's going to melt down before him and show him what it is like to be truly loved by a woman will actually cause you to feel hot and beg for the air-cond to blow a bit cooler. But na-ah, I don't get that kind of 'OH WOW' kind of feel when I read this dude's scribblings. OK I'd be less punishing, let's just say that so far I haven't read any male writer's sex-scene depiction that's appealing to me. Except John Updike. But see, I haven't met another John Updike. Not yet. I'm still hoping of course.
So anyway I told The Pianist (oh I'll tell about his story another day) about how I felt and in the process, I also showed him the samples that led me to say 'Yuck'. And you know what? The Pianist thought, 'Eh not bad what. I think it's true.'
Of course me being the me who hates it when people have an opinion different from mine, had to go, 'The fuck?'
The Pianist said, 'Looks real enough to me. I don't think he would have been able to write all that if it is not real.'
'Hah.'
'He sounds like a horny bastard though, I mean…'
'Well now that you've put it that way. He does… seem like a horny bastard.'
'Must be lah, only horny bastards are willing to write things like that. Most don't bother. At least we respect our women.'
'Which also proves that all that he writes is not real.'
'How come so?'
'Because he's a horny bastard.'
'And then?'
I don't know if you'll agree with me in this generalization but there is ONE thing I know of women on the whole, we hate bloody horny bastards. Now the question is of course this, if most women hate horny bastards, how many women are left behind to have sex with the horny bastard?
…
So I told the Pianist this, 'No matter how horny you are, you wouldn't want your girl to know that you're actually itching to kiss her there right? Because she'll give you a slap immediately. I mean, if right now I know that you're trying to do something bad to me, you think I'll continue talking to you ah….'
'True also.'
'That's why you cannot present yourself as a horny man. And you won't write things like that this dude wrote. Just in case you come across as a horny bastard.'
'Yeah lah that one I not so stupid one. But you know hoh, most men like to imagine their women are a bit more horny lor…. '
'That one I know. Most men love a girl who is able to write about sex uninhibitedly.'
'So unfair.'
It's gender inequality in the highest. Horny women get great sex. Horny men hardly get any.
March 8th, 2006 at 5:13 pm
FiRst Post !!!!111!!!!
Try me.
March 8th, 2006 at 5:16 pm
sorry mini, i have to disagree. that sentiment could only come from sexually inexperienced women or hopeless romantics. a horny bastard is definitely better than a horny virgin. i dare say i speak for metropolitan women in general.
March 8th, 2006 at 5:20 pm
Some like rice, others like noodles. Then there are those who prefer bread, and ones who stay away from carbo totally.
Me? I like buffets.
March 8th, 2006 at 5:32 pm
ure in for hell. the fury of a thousand horny men shall befall thy disbelieving self.
March 8th, 2006 at 5:37 pm
used to frequent ur blog like 4 years ago…
must say, ur style of writing has changed quite a bit…
it’s more ‘deep’, and intriguing….
it’s a good thing laaa… ;p
March 8th, 2006 at 5:37 pm
Make love not war, do it with a horny man tho, cos they can do you 3 times a night, not 3 times a year!
March 8th, 2006 at 6:06 pm
fact: horny men is not the same as horny bastard
March 8th, 2006 at 6:07 pm
its like you wrote this entry after reading tigerjoe’s blog.
March 8th, 2006 at 6:22 pm
Hmm…all I can say is…try it and see if you’ll write what you’ve written above all the same. Well, this isn’t really good advice, but just to project my point.
Cheers!
March 8th, 2006 at 6:38 pm
of coz one is again generalizing that all men cant write erotica that would appeal to females (& other hot-blooded males).
(insert my disclaimer here)
of coz the male has to be cunning to stalk the (usually) more intelligent female prey. expensive gifts of sorts may work as well (but may just as likely backfire).
and the answer to your question would be that, females would need to *actually* find out that the male is a horny bastard first rite?
so this would mean it would be a battle of the cunninglingus… i mean the battle of who is the most cunning.
(ps. this is obviously to be taken tongue-in-cheek. as i’m generalizing that there are stupid f*cks out there who will be offended by this
March 8th, 2006 at 7:12 pm
Minishorts is nice and shiny. With those pimples, she’s even moist. Yummy!
March 8th, 2006 at 8:00 pm
Men can’t write Erotica that will appeal to a female audience.
Considering that a lot of men write Romance Novels under female names, and their books sell, it’s a bit of a big guess that men can’t write erotica to appeal to women …
Maybe it’s just horny guys on the internet who don’t get professional gigs as Erotica and Romance writers can’t write erotica to appeal to women … if they could, they’d probably have jobs as erotica writers.
The SF/Fantasy writer Piers Anthony writes erotica (I’ve never read any, so have no idea if its any good. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever read any erotica so, maybe I should just shut up … but I do know men writer roamnce under pseudonyms and are successful.)
March 8th, 2006 at 8:04 pm
A guy friend of mine writes erotica. Quite well-written stuff, if I may say so. :p But he’s bi, hmm.
Actually, most of the guys I know seem to prefer innocent, angelic girls, not horny ones. O_o
March 8th, 2006 at 8:44 pm
I thought men wanted both; they want angels in the kitchen and a wild nympho in the bedroom…
And that’s almost a fact!
March 8th, 2006 at 9:40 pm
Liz: that’s not exactly right. In the words of Ludacris,
We want a LADY when she’s in the STREETS.. but a FREAK when she’s in da bed!
Hoo ha. Who the hell wants an innocent girl who does not know how to give good head. Ahahahahahaha! Well, except my future daughter if I have any.
Fucking boys. Ahahahahahahaha.
March 8th, 2006 at 9:57 pm
The only reason horny men don’t get good sex is because the women they are with are frigid.
March 8th, 2006 at 10:13 pm
Horny men who act like they’re virgin get the best sex
March 9th, 2006 at 1:16 am
I recall you used to be somewhat of an idiot, too bad some things don’t change.
I suppose the main reason you don’t like “horny bastards” is because they would recognize your lack of skills in that area. I don’t hate horny bastards at all, neither would most non-frigid women I expect.
March 9th, 2006 at 2:10 am
ahh..i say..if everyone smoked up and had a good shag, would not argue about how proficient one in erotica literacy. There will only be a big grin that shouts satisfaction across your face.
March 9th, 2006 at 3:09 am
Here’s another generalisation for you: good looking men are bad in bed.
Carrie Bradshaw said that and it’s so true. Because they don’t HAVE to try!
LOL
March 9th, 2006 at 9:25 am
jenn: generalizations are fun because human beings like to pounce on generalizations. and get themselves in stitches.
March 9th, 2006 at 9:36 am
how can horny men get bad sex? as long as they get one, its a good one because men are easier to get ogarsm than women…
as men (amateur) writes bad erotica, its because men writes it directly… they don’t cover it up with those mishy mushy romantic words….
March 9th, 2006 at 11:48 am
Jenn - that generalisation makes me a friggin’ genius in bed …
March 9th, 2006 at 12:27 pm
Dabido: Self flattery will get you everywhere
March 9th, 2006 at 6:01 pm
But… but… all men are horny! Some just don’t admit it or talk about it, that’s all!
March 12th, 2006 at 3:29 pm
now now irene
March 12th, 2006 at 10:03 pm
hmm…horny bastards aren’t assholes who have walnuts for brains =P He won’t publicize his sexual experiences-that’s a just cheap,disrespecting asswipey thing to do
January 4th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Why is a horny bastard better than a horny virgin?
January 4th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
After i wrote that i noticed the last blog was on 06′ so i feel kinda stupid, and im still a virgin and i beleive i can do things to a girl that she never in her naughtiest dreams she could never think of
Hehe i think naughty is a funny word,
AND if anyone gets aroung to reading this, im 18 and a virgin, should i be ashamed of myself?