The stupid thing I did for love.
Spinner Dolphins by Rob Hughes
The most stupid thing I'd ever done after a bad break up, was this. I turned everything around me that reminded me of him, into little symbols with magical powers, attached to them tiny little scenarios in which I could build around them just so that I could get the man back. One of these little things was a huge 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle of a single dolphin skimming the bottom of the sea. It was entirely in shades of blue, obviously a terrible chore to make. He bought the silly thing about a month after we started dating, but the lazy bum never had the patience to even start on building the frame, much less finish it, so it sat in my cupboard the entire three years we were courting, boxed up and forgotten.
Until the day we broke up. That night I walked into my room, rejected and destroyed, still in shock from the bomb that had just befallen me. So what I did? I stared at the photo frames around my room, and the huge-ass disney puzzle that adorned my wall. The first thing that came to my mind was, 'No more… no more… what would I do without you?'
Now this is funny okay? Looking at the disney puzzle made me think of a certain box of unfinished puzzle right in the corner of my cupboard. So that night, I dug the stupid box out, and opened it. And an idea bloomed in me.
'This is symbol,' I thought, my fingers fingering the blue coloured puzzle pieces. 'One thousand pieces of an unfinished puzzle, and of ALL NIGHTS, I'm taking it out now. THE NIGHT HE TELLS ME ITS OVER. This must mean something. This is the saviour to my relationship. THIS IS THE KEY TO OUR LOVE.'
And in my mind, there began the hatching of plan, and immediately, the tears stopped, because all of a sudden I became optimistic. 'This 'break-up' was predestined, so that I could find the meaning of my relationship. And you know what? This puzzle, this single dolphin, is the key to finding that meaning.'
Okaylah, sorry I was a bit of a drama queen, and you know what? I actually believed in that shit I made up. In fact, I believed in it so much that I told my friends about it. First, I got online and told Edrei, and then I called a few of my coursemates, who were seemingly supportive. OMG now that I look back I can just imagine what you guys were thinking ahah. Because my mother did not like the idea of me making things for someone who didn't want me anymore, I had to find another place to rebuild the puzzle. So I begged a friend to allow me a place in his house… and to my delight he agreed.
This wonderful friend even followed me all the way to a furniture shop to buy a RM45 folding table just for me to fit the puzzle together on.
We got all the mechanics ready, and I was seriously, NOT crying for many many days. I was so determined and driven, I managed to get the the impossible frame of the puzzle together in less than 1/2 hour.
And then came the hard part.
The bloody thing was entirely blue okay? COMPLETELY blue, in different shades. It was impossible to separate the pieces into clusters of different blues, every bloody piece looked the same to me. Now here's the fun part, my friends were terrified at the state I was in, and they pitied me. So everyone in the house became my friend, and they helped me to put the pieces together. I knew only one person in that house when I started off, but by the end of the week, everyone in the house knew that this girl was making a huge ass jigsaw puzzle of a blue dolphin just so that she could impress her boyfriend enough for him to want her back. After two weeks, I arrived at my friend's house, ready to fit the final pieces in, to see my new friends standing in the living hall, with the completed puzzle. It was awesome.
Now here's the stupid part. The 1000 puzzle pieces fit together into a lovely blue puzzle, pretty enough for me to put on my own wall, and I still decided it was to be a symbol to win him back. My friend asked me then (and I remember his exact words were), 'Eh, so nice. You want to give to him some more meh? Keep for yourself lah…'
But no. I said. This is the one thing, my last chance. I had to take it.
'Well, I will support you anyway.'
We went to Jigsaw Puzzle World and bought ourselves a RM150 frame for the damned puzzle. And we put it together. As we did it, we scripted the entire 'dialogue' to come, down to the part where he would stare at the jigsaw puzzle and be so completely touched and inspired, he'd say, 'Hey Claire, I'm sorry. Let's try again.'
Now that of course. That did not happen at all. I gave him the puzzle, and all he could bloody say was, 'Thank you. I will always remember you.'
And the CHEEBYE FUCKER TOOK OFF WITH MY PUZZLE AND DROVE OFF WHILE I WALKED HOME.
Of course I cried like shit after that. For weeks you know? Took me a while before finally being able to walk tall and stand alone as an independent girl again. And it took me even longer to look back at that moment in time, to admit that fixing up that puzzle was a darn stupid thing to do.
Now that I'm remembering the episode that is long past, and how the later parts of my life led me to fall in love again, and again, and how my heart had been broken in so many other ways before I'm where I am now, what happened then was pretty hilarious right?
Come on, laugh. You know you wanna laugh. I laughed when I wrote the story up there. All right. I was a bit embarassed to type it out, I am embarassed to remember the whole thing again but then again, I'm glad that I can now feel embarassment over doing what I did then.
I did several other things that were more embarassing really, but this remains one of the highlights.
Sometimes, I'm thankful for the break ups, because they spiced up my life. And at least, when you live your life to have someone who walked into your life telling you he loved you, and a few years later, over dinner tellimg you point blank, 'I don't want you anymore,' you get that rare opportunity to look beyond the pretty facets of your own life. In that situation, you've really no choice but to kneel down and dig out the dirty parts of yourself just to scrutinize them. While you wallow in your pool of self-pity and find ways to blame the other person for the bitter ending, most of the time, we fail, and we end up blaming ourselves. Some of us almost resort to hurting ourselves, and some lives, sadly, perish in that manner.
Yet sometimes, even the most negative of pitfalls may be a positive thing. In a way, bad breakups force you to learn about your own faults, and make you face the things that make you unlovable enough for someone to hurt you badly, so bad that he had to tell you, 'I don't want you anymore.' The journey through healing requires you to deal with all the pains and cuts, and of course, it will hurt. Good medicine hardly tastes delicious.
And after that, well, you turn out pretty okay. Seriously. And the great thing is, as you grow out of that misery, you pick up new friends along the way, people you never knew ever existed, and then you learn to realize, that person you thought you loved didn't ever deserve your love, and it's a good riddance that now he's gone. Right now, what's more important is how you spend your time showing to people who really care, how you appreciate their presence. Because they are the ones who really matter.
Do you get me here, girl?
June 12th, 2006 at 5:22 pm
I thought you were loony when you did that for him, looking back at what I did…I think at some point we were all loony when we lost the people we loved. Signs? Portents? Eyes? Thank God there were no tea leaves in the process…or was they?
Yeah…now we can all take two steps foward and laugh at what you were then.
June 12th, 2006 at 5:55 pm
Well, all that this old fart can say is that the stupid things we do (for love, hate, whatever) somehow make us better persons in the end… all a part of this silly process we call ‘growing up’ (except that Walski sometimes totally refuses to!
)
Except that my particular experience had to do with one broken umbrella… in retrospect, the broken umbrella symbolized the unmendable relationship… and what did Walski do, instead of realizing the obvious? Went through a misearable period of several months… stupid, stupid, stupid…
Oh well, I’m laughing about it, too, as I write this… actually hadn’t thought about it for years… and the broken umbrella thing was what? Twelve years ago! Darn… time flies when you move on…
Like I always say: we screw up, we grow up (somewhat) and we move on… to better things!
June 12th, 2006 at 6:26 pm
I didn’t laugh, I’m actually getting a bit teary. And I don’t think it was stupid…
But I get you, Claire.
June 12th, 2006 at 7:32 pm
Omg MN! That was sooo romantic!! I agree with Alynna…. after reading what you went through, I’m teary too! And it’s not stupid.
You’ve mended together your broken relationship and presented it to him as the jigsaw puzzle. If he doesn’t accept it, it’s his problem. But you’ve done the best that you can and that is an admirable trait to have!
June 12th, 2006 at 7:40 pm
Aiya……
I can understand the guy’s frustration. Tak dapat makan, so don’t waste time, move on to next chiakable target.
June 12th, 2006 at 8:21 pm
Eh shit, i wanted to type out that i laughed inwardly… but everyone commenting that they teared 0_o
Oops.
June 12th, 2006 at 8:25 pm
it’s funny what! well, depending what stage you are in life. I’m like, “OMG cannot tahan man, why the hell did i do all that?”
right now. But i think i know why they found it ‘lomantik’. I thought it was romantic then too. now? I think it’s stupid. hahaha.
June 12th, 2006 at 8:29 pm
I can relate to some of the things you mentioned above. Moving on when love is no longer there is the sensible thing to do. No use harping and looking back and wondering WHY. Love is not something accountable or measurable. It doesnt need explanation. When you stop looking for answers, you live again.
And you will. You get me girl?
June 12th, 2006 at 8:51 pm
You know it’s not embarassing. You know people aren’t gonna laugh pointing at you. In fact, you know it’s a hell of a story for the blog. And you know you’re lucky. I’m happy one more lost soul managed to find her way.
June 12th, 2006 at 9:21 pm
yupe, totally get u gal…been there done that….all those stupid tears i have cried over an ex and when i look back at all the things i have done to try to win his heart back, i feel stupid but ya im glad we broke up, at least it made me learn a lot about love and yupe, the main point is to move on and start appreciating ppl in our life NOW
June 12th, 2006 at 11:38 pm
Look at your left, look at your right; just about anywhere the door is open for you now except that closed one, which you keep on staring at.
Romantic and stupidity is pretty similar and has something in common. It depends which angle you choose to see.
June 13th, 2006 at 12:21 am
HAHAHAAHAAHAAH!!
i wish i was one of em housemates that helped you out!
i’d be pointing and laaaaffing and roll-on-the-friggin-floor laffin some more
and maybe consider jacking that puzzle back from the cheebye and keep it for myself!
my gawd you learned to unbimbonise the hard way.
June 13th, 2006 at 2:10 am
We all do things that we’d thought were right and then realised they were stupid later on. But when you look back at things, it wasn’t right, and it wasn’t stupid either. We all just have our different ways to deal with the situation.
I think you did right. You moved on…
June 13th, 2006 at 10:48 am
Haha didn’t we all do crazy things in the name of love? Call me insane, but I once had a bouquet of yellow tulips — yes a whole bouquet — delivered to my girlfriend at work to cheer her up!
Ah, those crazy days. Now I just call her and make random farting noises. That usually puts her off talking about marriage for at least a week. She doesn’t actually talk about marriage, but that just means my strategy is working.
June 13th, 2006 at 12:33 pm
If I were your friend (the one who pinjam-ed you his place), I would hid the last piece to stop you from giving the lovely puzzle to your ex. Then when you over and done, I will put the missing piece in place, frame it up for you and hang it on your wall.
I wonder if the puzzle is still around
June 13th, 2006 at 12:35 pm
Darn…banyak error sial….nvm (hid*e, you*re)
June 13th, 2006 at 12:47 pm
That was really quite funny. In the Inspirational Stories section of women’s magazines, you would have finished the thing yourself and realised that the putting it together was really just a process of putting the pieces of your broken heart back together again, and then you’d keep it, framed as a reminder to yourself of such wisdom.
But in true Minishorts fashion, the story progressed instead with a healthy dose of sampat-ness and ended more close to reality.
Good one.
The irony about laughing at one’s most cringe-worthy behaviour is that the ability to do so is an excellent indicator of one’s healthy sense of dignity.
June 13th, 2006 at 2:40 pm
spot: the problem is… i’m really quite the drama queen, making up little scenes and action sequences for myself to walk around in. and they always, always fall flat on me. imagine how i’m actually laughing and cringing at this whole thing now.
June 13th, 2006 at 3:35 pm
ahaks. we are all once YOUNG AND STUPID.
the teary eyed people will laugh in about a few years time
June 13th, 2006 at 4:04 pm
is saying “I love you” important in a relationship? how about guys who never/very-the-seldom said it but still treat you ok?
the things you did is not stupid to me though. it is the hope that we carry to do whatever or the best we can to patch things up coz that’s love. but if the outcome showed no more chance, it is best to go on
June 13th, 2006 at 4:13 pm
That puzzle probably cost him RM45 and you spent Rm150 for the frame? Go claim your money back from him.
June 13th, 2006 at 5:11 pm
supercalifragilisticaspiallidocious!
June 13th, 2006 at 6:29 pm
That’s why good mah, to still be able to laugh (thereby maintaining your dignity and mitigating the sampat factor) despite the cringiness and sampat-ness of it all.
I like this anecdote much. Will tell it to snowie and maybe buy her a jigsaw puzzle too. It’ll drive her nuts. Hee!
June 14th, 2006 at 12:13 am
maybe somehow the puzzle sped you on your way to closure.
June 14th, 2006 at 1:56 pm
respect.
June 14th, 2006 at 2:10 pm
inspiring stuff.
June 14th, 2006 at 10:54 pm
I have my experience of finishing that 1000 in the shade of blue puzzles while my boyfriend’s away for Sweden for 2 weeks. Worse thing is that.. he went off after we started the relationship like less than a mth.
And yea, it wasn’t easy at all to get all patched when they are all blues…
June 15th, 2006 at 1:23 am
I used to cry when I read your story.
It sounds so familiar to me, I also often try to fix things, to believe in ideals and I am also a dreamer like you.
Your story touched me so much because I am sure I would have done the same and you show me the consequences… I know that believing that something magical would bring your boyfriend back is crazy and finally painful, but I hate it to confront myself with this fact
Wow, I sound as if me and my bf were apart… no,we´re still together, but I often think about him leaving me.
We had many problems in the past. He´s sometimes unable to feel anything, he gets cold and he doesn´t know how to help it.
It´s a serious problem. I sometimes wonder why it´s going so well today.
Maybe I´m sweeping all under the carpet…
June 15th, 2006 at 1:45 am
so he fucked you i guess?
well, guess the jigsaw can never repair that bit of possession he had over you then
June 15th, 2006 at 11:44 am
… when was this? How come I dunno one? Long time ago story?
June 15th, 2006 at 1:31 pm
we all do stupid things for love
thats love =)
June 17th, 2006 at 9:43 am
I find this post surreal, Claire. Don’t know why but it sounds like a legend in some ways. Can’t you go back and demand the puzzle from him? If I were you, I’d feel so cheated to have given my hard-earned efforts away. How old were you guys back then? My bestfriend always tell me. When you think someone is your life now, wait till the next one comes along, for he will be better than the last. Easy said than done, ofcourse. But to some people, they don’t know what it is like to have been loved in such a way, so the curiosity drives them crazy. For you ofcourse, you can move on easily now. Good thing!
June 18th, 2006 at 11:05 pm
I find your story so similar to what I’ve gone through. A break-up out of a sudden when you least expect it. A painful episode thereafter. The lies you tell yourself to make you feel better. Loads of excuses you make for him and yourself which caused the break-up etc. etc. I feel so foolish (I will not say ’stupid’ as love is blind in this sense) when I think back now. Indeed, when you suffer such painful cut, it is deep enough to make you realise a lot more about yourself and that it requires a lot to maintain a relationship. Even so, it remains a deep scar in my life.
June 21st, 2006 at 6:19 pm
My brother’s girlfriend gave him a 1000 piece puzzle. I did the thing whole together with the maid! Haha… but the one we did was easy cheater’s puzzle… at the back of the puzzle there are alphabets… just follow the alphabets…
I’ve never gone through anything like u before. Hope i don’t have to, sounds awful, i can only imagine
June 22nd, 2006 at 12:13 am
it’s touching.. we all will be blind-folded by love..
we always thought do something significant n special just wanna to gain him back for last chance..
i did before, sacrified..
cried for weeks.. but now i think he’s not worth if for me to do so.
glad that we are apart now, i’ve my choice and he has make a move to his destiny, eventhough one day he crawling back to my feet, i would not accept him back in my life anymore, he has caused my life miserable in relationship, betrayed me, i caught him still wanna denial. hurts me plenty times, plenty of lies.
u should not get upset, he suppose to be upset coz he lost someone who love him so much but u only lost someone who doesnt love u anymore. look at the bright side, one door closed another one will open. dun get upset over something worthless. He doenst deserve u at any rate!
well, u will bcome wiser, tougher, stronger when come to next relationship.
move on a new page of life without a parasite..
June 22nd, 2006 at 10:35 pm
I do not think that is stupid. In fact, it would be something which I would have done, had I been in your shoes. What’s wrong with giving yourself hope?
June 23rd, 2006 at 12:35 am
the last bit with the vulgarity is some funny sh!t
good stuff..
June 23rd, 2006 at 11:50 am
hey, you know I did almost the exact same thing. i bought an expensive white tiger puzzle for his birthday (we broke up a month before his bday) and I couldn’t bear to throw it or keep it…so I completed it (my friends….thought I was wasting my time) and gave it to him…*sigh the things people do in the name of love
June 24th, 2006 at 10:28 pm
just to let you know i enjoyed your blog. wonderful pictures and content.
its and extremly hot day in london, and i have really nothing else to do whilst waiting for footy to kick off. ger V swe.
thanks for the reading material.
chris
July 26th, 2006 at 11:21 am
This is a good story. It’s too bad your ex got the puzzle (but in a sadistic way, it’s the best part of the story).