just minishorts.

Antique by Carina Ong

This isn't even a conversation that went on in my head a while ago. It's running now, a commentary of random thoughts, I'm just trying to pick the ones that matter. It's not even remotely 'emo' like, because, it's just a few things that popped up in my mind, but stimulated by certain things I've read, and found out, or heard, from places. Where I dropped by, or where I occasionally play the peeping tom, or where I listen with my ears behind closed doors.

And they didn't even know I saw all this.

But these people, they're so conceited. So very conceited. They leave advices to grieving friends, and they tell them things that sound so right to do, so perfectly correct, the right words, the lines that matter… but they're so… dishonest. The thing they say.

'Friends ought not take sides in a break up.'
'Perfection doesn't exist except for those who really accept them.'
'There are always two sides to a coin. And it is only the wiser who will know how to choose which is the correct version of a story.'

Such wonderful lines, but none practised in real life… besides, be honest, was it really possible to put the above into practice? Come on.

I think really, there is no correct version of a story. A wise person is someone who is bold enough to admit stupidity. Usually the very wise people will remain silent, and try not to talk so much, but then again, how many of us are brave enough to admit that we're all idiots?

After she told the joke, my aunt got all solemn and serious again. 'You have not answer me leh.'

Obviously I had not managed to escape the rhetorical question, except, my aunt, like the most of my older friends, really wanted an answer from me.

'When are you planning to get married lah?'
'Not yet lah. Stop asking.'
'Don't wait too long lah, afterwards he get used to the current situation, and he's never going to officiate the thing.'
'It's officiated what. Everyone knows who I'm with. His mother also knows me. Okay what? I'm still young lah.'
'Young what young? In my time, girls got married at the age of 20.'
'Now not your time lah, auntie. Now's MY TIME.'
'Cheh. Talk nonsense again. You plan to stay unmarried forever, like me meh? Regret then you know.'
'BUT I AM STILL YOUNG!'
'Say only young. Next thing you know you will be 36 and then you'd wished you'd put in some action.'

Action? What action? I didn't understand. So I asked my aunt, 'What you mean some action.'

'Oh you know. Sometimes, you need to put in a little bit of kungfu to see things happen.'
'Kungfu?'
'Yeah like Lixiaolong a bit. But not so obvious ones lah.'
'Erm. I don't know any Bruce Lee moves to make this happen…'
'HA… long time ago some girls used their belly to make things happen.'
'WHAT THE…'
'But you cannot do that lah, afterwards you mother and I and your uncle all sure lose face one. Don't do, don't do, okay?'

Like, not anytime soon, hello?! I wanted to tell my aunt that I was rushing off and couldn't talk anymore.

'Don't talk nonsense, girl. It's 10.30 pm, Sunday night. Where are you going to go lah. I'm the one who called you so don't worry about bills.'

Right.

'So you haven't answered me yet.'
'I did! I said it's not so soon?'
'Okay. Then when?'

Now this is the thing I don't get about parents and relatives. Remember when you were slightly younger? When you were 16 or so? For me, that's just about 10 years back, right after SPM. I came back from school after my last paper, and told my mother that I wanted to go out with some friends to celebrate our graduation. Mum decided to give me a stern warning then.

'My girl, I can allow you to go out with your friends. But whatever you do, don't go and get a boyfriend or anything okay? You still have to go to university first before you do that dating thing.'

I'll be honest here, now. When I was 16 and I had classmates who were dating other classmates, I envied them. I thought, 'Gee, it must be nice to have someone to call a "boyfriend",'and I'd pick and choose several candidates from the few boy-pals I had. Sometimes, I'd daydream my afternoons away thinking what it would like to be in a relationship with any one of them.

Sometimes, I wondered what it was like to kiss a friend of the opposite gender. And you know? I would 'practise' kissing using my pink fluffy rabbit toy. On its lips, but of course, the toy never responded, and it always left a fluff stain on my lips.

So when Mum set the curfew-age for me to start dating I was quite annoyed. 'What you mean I cannot even try going out with a boy?'

'You want to have a boyfriend so badly meh?'
'No lah. But my friends all have them mah.'
'I won't let you. You're too young. Wait a bit more.'
'Until when?'
'Until you've graduated.'
'But, but. I'd be 24 by then!'
'If you study harder you'd graduate at the age of 21, then you can have a boyfriend.'
'Mum!'

I was 19, almost 20 when I got my very first official kiss. And it felt like cold and slimy sotong sweeping across my lips. Not very romantic at all.

Funny how things change, hoh? There I was, forced into a telephone conversation at 10.30 pm on a Sunday night, and my aunt was forcing me to give her a definite deadline regarding my very own big day.

'You know Auntie? Last time when I was 16 I saw my friends dating, and I wondered when I'd be able to join the ranks.'
'Ah… and then?'
'And then, I just let things pass, had a crush or two, and then I FIRST started dating a boy, when I turned 19.'
'Okay. So now?'
'So now, I am 26 and yes, some friends are getting married, and sometimes, I also wonder when I'd be joining their ranks.'
'I can see where this is going… '
'I think I'll just let things pass, and then maybe I'll get married when I turn 29. Can or not?'

My aunt's answer was cute. 'We shall see. Tak jadi-jadi, you get married next year, then you know. Hahaha.'

So we shall see.

June's the first month in the year that I do not have to attend a wedding. But that doesn't spare me from the pestering question. Oh you know, the aunts, and the uncles, and the cousins, they're talking about it… and they're asking.

Remember when you were younger, maybe 10 or 11 or so, when you'd call your mother's sisters or brothers to say hello? And they'd ask you simple questions, like, 'How's school?' or 'Have you done your homework?' or 'When are you coming back to the kampung?'

Things don't change much as time flies. I still call home, and my aunt asks questions like, 'How's work?' and 'Have you completed your latest project?' and 'When are you coming back?' AND 'Are you bringing him with you?'

Two years ago I resigned to the fact that this annoying question about marriage will be a permanent guest till the day I actually do the honourable thing. I told my aunt, 'I might. Depends on whether he's got work or not.'

'You're going to bring this one back, then? You should you know? Put a little pressure on it, see if he's serious.'
'AIYOH…'
'HAHAHAHA Standard lah this question. You're going to get it until the big day comes.'
'AUNTIE!!'
'It's true, yah! I know you hate the question. But I just like to ask it.'
'Like that I'm not going to get married, ever. So stop asking.'
'CHEH! Don't talk nonsense there. Oh yeah, your elder cousin's getting the question too.'

She is? But she's married! She just got married last year.

'Married adi still have expectations to live up to, you know?'
'Like?'
'HAHAHAHA I tell you the story. We were on holiday, in Penang. And then you know lah, the big P arrived for your cousin. So funny, I tell you hahahah.'
'What's so funny?'
'Oh your cousin, she forgot to bring the essentials. We were at a Coffee Bean, and then halfway through coffee she sped off to the ladies, and when she came back, she said that she needed to go to a pharmacy or a kedai runcit to get some Whispers.'
'And then and then?'
'Hah her mother, your tai-yi lah, was so upset, she shouted so loud everyone looked up at her, "OH MY GOD! YOU'RE STILL USING WHISPER! OH GOD, WHY WHY WHY?!"…you get what I mean?'

To be honest, I didn't find it all that funny, what's this with Chinese families putting pressure on their daughters to perform the traditional duties. But, it was so silly I just HAD to laugh just to humour my aunt.

'So, dear girl,' my aunt continued. 'When this question 'when are you getting married' is finally answered, that's just not the end of it, okay? Just like your cousin, you're going to get another question, and that's FAR MORE DIFFICULT to handle hehe.'

You know, sometimes, going extra public with one's personal feminine woes pays off in the strangest ways. Not that I've been blaming my hormonal fluctuations for the bad behaviour on minishorts.net for sometime already, but obviously I haven't been ranting as much, because I haven't been getting the cramps for a long time.

Now I have to thank a few people for this. First of course, is Eric dearest, who came up with some sort of action-plan that he'll turn on everytime I tell him, 'It's here.' That's when he pumps up the extra-TLC supply, and agrees to almost everything I say. If all else fails, we choose to leave each other in solitary confinement for several days. Besides, my periods last only five days, so it's not really that bad.

The other person I have to thank is Mummy dearest, who makes it a habit to boil essence of chicken everytime my period days are over. And no, I don't take bottled essence of chicken, because I don't like the caramel smell. I get two bowl-fuls of essence a month, and I think it works.

Now here's the awesome thing. BiO-LiFE (yes, that health care products company) also took note of my plight, and decided that, 'Hey, Minishorts needs Evening Primrose Oil to keep her going!'

So now, on top of family-love, I also get some outside help from the kind folks at Biolife. Now trust me, this is NOT a advertorial, and the only kind of benefit I'm getting from it is a two-year supply of BiO-LiFE Evening Primrose Oil 1000 mg starting 1 June 2006.

OK wait a minute. That's a pretty fantastic benefit. Two years worth of Evening Primrose Oil is definitely going to be a good thing for me! Can't you see why I'm so happy and so grateful? You just HAVE to be appreciative of this great gift.

So hey, here's to a PMS-free Minishorts, cheers to that! And a huge huge thanks to the kind folks at BiO-LiFE! Click!

ADD ON
OMG this is so hilarious, but because some blogger who has many times openly revealed his dislike of me (for some comment / post in which I apparent wrote about him) has a YET ANOTHER problem with me. According to this person, this post is a blatant 'endorsement' of BiO-LiFE, and this endorsement is, erm 'shameful'.

There you go, 'responsible' endorsement. I would like to thank Mr Fat4 for being so morally-concerned with the issue of responsible blogging. We are so grateful for your endless scrutiny on the web. With bloggers like you, surely the younglings of the blogosphere will not be negatively influenced by the misconduct of prominent bloggers. Folks, you better well learn from Fat4, his is what I call, dedicated blogging. *wink*