just minishorts.

Crushed.

It's the car. It's the family. It's the work. It's the travelling. It's the money. It's the time. It's you. You're not good enough. You're not mature enough. You're not stable enough.

So when is it ever going to be just right, just enough?

When is this going to fit the bill?

What on earth do you want?

We had a talk last night, certain things, certain issues, what's in our heads, what's in our hearts, what's stopping us, what's moving us, the insecurities, and etc. You know, stuff like that, things that couples slowly approaching their third-year of togetherness discuss.

And then we talked about sex, how difficult it was to stay apart and yet stay so close, the acknowledgement of desires, and curiosities, how commitment became a decision, and that love was also becoming decision, how quenching curiosity was a struggle sometimes, and how we understood, how he understood, how I understood.

We argue a lot more daily, but we love each other a lot more, daily. Today, on the way to work, I stole a glance at him, and glowed, I think. It was a nice feeling, because I saw him glow too.

Five years on, I walk across a mirror, and if a camera is available, I still do this.

Am in Singapore.

Brought my computer to Singapore.

Should have been fun.

Except I bloody forgot to bring my cables.

Shit.

The word 'commitment' keeps resurfacing in my life every day. The more I look at it, the more powerful it becomes, the more powerful it becomes, the scarier it gets, the scarier it gets, the more terrified I get of it, the more terrified I get of it, the more I feel like chickening out.

I suppose the fact that I find 'commitment' a powerful word means good actually. It means I don't take it lightly, that I choose to see it as a word to respect, and that when I choose to give it away, I mean I will give it away. Doesn't that quite mean that I'm reliable, trustable, and that I honour my word with my own actions?

…

Eric and I are talking about marriage (yes we're still in that talking stage). I used to be frustrated like hell because it was all talk and no action, in a NATO kind of situation, I sounded like a desperado seeking justice and answers, and then today it sort of hit me. What I fear most comes from myself. It's all me, that I'm terrified of. I'm scared that the moment he asks me, I'll have to make a positive choice, and that once I make a positive choice, I can't back out.

So what's up, minishorts? What's going on in your life?