just minishorts.

For the 100th time, I am not the type of person who goes and jumps up and down each time the friend-count on my facebook or friendster increases by 5 or 10.

So Tom, Dick and Harry, don't lah pandai-pandai add add here, add add there.

…

I don't care to be Friends.
I don't like you.
I don't know you.
I'm not interested in getting to know you.
I know you know a friend of a friend of mine, but that doesn't mean that 'therefore I can add you as a contact'.

I'm a bitch like this so live with it lah.

… is being totally okay with receiving expensive gifts from the fiance… ('cause him buying things for me is equal to buying things for himself)!!

I hate to admit to believe in the universal laws of attraction, and am more keen on giving up The Secret as a very successfuly marketing gimmick of an eons old knowledge of the world, and yet it's easy to connect the dots when it comes to reevaluating the different pit stops of my life. So it's true, the more I resist someone, the more I'm required to exist in that someone's space, and the more ugly truths I discover about that someone.

Actually I'm human that way, I'd rather blame it on the other person than to agree with the fact that attributes I resist in someone are things that I see mirrored in my life. So right now, you see, I can't quite understand why I'm stuck in this situation, or rather, I resist trying to get out of my fixated belief system that it's all her fault that I'm suffering.

But it's obvious already, I just don't like her very much.

Of course after getting an earful truth of what I previously had been suspecting all along, I don't quite have any reason to enjoy working in her space anymore, right?

So here comes the bitchy side of me. Look, if you're so darn good at what you do, you probably wouldn't have failed at what you tell everyone you're so good at. You probably wouldn't look what you look like now, and more importantly, you wouldn't be trying so hard to tell everyone, 'Yeah I know, I did this before, didn't I tell you.'

The topic says enough about what I do when meeting types like you, but in the real world, difficult choices are made with a price, so each day I do pay the price… is it a good one? I don't know. Or maybe again I have to keep reminding myself, people like you simply exist to remind me to be thankful for myself, for the people around, and for the love I enjoy… the kind of life I live that allows me to not become someone like you.

For that, I thank you.

… then I just checked my Credit Card Balance.

Almost RM5000.

It's the early of the year syndrome!! DAMN DAMN. (And then of course there's the deposit for the wedding venue and all that…. then later I have to get Eric's ring of course…)

So anyone out there, if you know you owe me money, this is the time to be a good and return it all to me…. One good turn deserves another right?

Yes it's true. I'm going to go on a religious rant all over again.

It seems that I've aged to a point in my life where I've only just begun to see the cowardly contents behind that holier-than-thou facade that fundamentalists so proudly wear. I know too many of them, the type who pride themselves in their religious walk with God simply because they go to Church more often, say grace aloud (and in Shakespearean English some more), and that they usher more people into the kingdom of God. The type who choose sermons tinged with messages of hellfire and brimstone, and think it's more regal of them to be divisive about doctrine-related stuff, to cook up stories like three-levels of heavens and making outright snide remarks about Catholics and the Pope, or calling Christians who get baptised as infants 'not-Christian' enough.

You see, the last thing I learnt in languages, told me that the -ian suffix behind the word denotes a person who chooses to believe in the Messiah, hence Christians are 'followers' of Christ.

Then again, I'm also worried about this, because emotional outbursts jotted down anywhere are naked to negative reactions, and it is not to say that I am being entirely kind in this little soliloquy of mine.

The situation: I was locked in a conversation with a Christian who claims to be on fire for the Lord today. I say locked because I felt captured in a cage of self-deception.

Now to me this is sad, because on a personal note I've always admired the character of those who demonstrated fire for God, people like Mother Teresa or Martin Luther King, or even kindred spirits of a different faith, like the monks and nuns who chose to devote their lives to the belief of Buddhism, for example — I've always admired not only for their zeal, but more so the discipline and total surrender to the teachings. Truly it takes character to do such things, but I've also learnt to realize that monks and nuns don't ever go around telling everyone, 'Lookie, lookie, I'm a proud fundamentalist.'

But my Christian friend was telling me just how comforted he was in his life because he had now learn the wonders of 'surrendering' to God, and that things were going really well because he was truly living by faith only. Now of course this wasn't exactly the main focus of the conversation, the focus of the conversation was about making decisions to purchase a particular phone model that we had just saw at a shopping mall counter, and our friend here was at a dilemma as to which model would suit him best.

'Seriously lah I dunno which model to choose lah,' he told me at the end of the day, after asking my opinions on which particular brand I would purchase if I were him.

'Well at the end of the day it's your money, and all it takes from you its a decision. Just choose, buy, and live with it. Or choose not to buy, and live with it. Easy right?'

'Haiyah… but. but…'

'What's there to but. Just decide lah.'

'Aiyoh, I dunno lah. Maybe I will just pray about it, and then see what God says.'

…

SEE LAH SEE LAH YOU GERAM OR NOT? I TELL YOU NO WONDER PEOPLE KENOT TAHAN THOSE BUBBLE-WRAPPED CHRISTIANS LAH, THESE IDIOTS WALK AROUND WITH BLINKING SIGNBOARDS ON THEIR HEADS DECLARING TO THE WHOLE DARN WORLD THAT THEY'RE PURITANS AND TRUE CHRISTIANS BECAUSE THEY GOT DUNKED INTO WATER AND HAVE RECEIVED THE SIGNS OF THE HOLY SPIRIT BECAUSE THEY BABBLE AT WORSHIPPED SESSIONS, AND THEY GO AROUND TELLING PEOPLE YOU YOU YOU GOING TO HELL BECAUSE YOU DON'T BELIEVE JESUS CHRIST DIED AND LIVED AGAIN, blardy hell wanna link me to these people also I malu…

Come on lah, it's just a fucking decision. JUST MAKE UP YOUR MIND and CHOOSE. Wanna go back to pray and see what God says? How God will answer your prayer?

(Foul Rant Over)

So I asked him that. 'Errr… how you pray and how you know God answer your prayer woh?'

'Oh, I will go home, sit in a quiet corner, read the bible, and God is so great, I will know it from the page I turn to.'

'…'

So I got pissed lah. Come on lah. Since when did God give us free will for nothing? If you really had faith in God, then God would permeate your entire life. You would live life in true faith, which is to say that you are able to rest in the comfort that God would make right all things in your life, because He cares for you, and no matter what decision you choose to make, the outcome will always be okay because God allows it.

Or maybe I've got all my concepts of The Higher One wrong and making the right decision really is about going back to a quiet corner and flipping the bible to see which word or verse I spot first.