minishorts.net

On goals.

Filed under Just Me

I just finished yesterday's post meeting report. I'm currently thinking about tomorrow's meetings and discussions, and the things I intend to achieve out of them.

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Hubby and I took that rare 'walk in the future' discussion today. We spoke about dreams, visions, achieving our goals, and the things we needed to do to arrive where we wanted, as early as possible. We spoke about the trade-offs we were consciously making, and about whether those trade-offs were worth it.

Most of our conversation revolved around Paul's education, his eventual career choices, how much it would cost us and what it would take to help him realize his dreams.

We also spoke about Kid #2, and maybe a third, and the same. The accumulated 'cost' of bringing up our own younglings. The horror of the budgets and plannings they require, and of course, the realization that our parents went through the very same deliberations.

See, we're about to receive to keys to our very first home, and with that, means immediately, at the end of this year, money going into making sure the home is livable, comfortable, a good place for us to come home to rest after a long day at work, and a great place for Paul, and his brother or sister or both, to grow up in.

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Goals.

I'm quite undecided how I feel about this word. It doesn't help that I work in a very goal and results driven organization, where we're constantly setting impossible targets and then pushing the limits to achieve them ahead of schedule. Doesn't help either that Eric owns part of the business he works for, so the goals of the company have become extremely tangible requirements – he needs to achieve results every day regardless of the challenges because it is no longer 'just another job'. I think the entire psyche of 'chasing goals' is so embedded into my very being that sometimes, times like now, I'm just exhausted and I just crave, crave for that single MINUTE where I can totally erase it off my mind and hope that minute lasts an eternity.

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I even have a goal for the Fruit Ninja app I have on my phone. I hit 870 about 3 weeks back. I am still trying, hopelessly, to get the score up to 1000. I tell myself when I hit 1000 I'll be happy, but I know I won't.  I remember when I was at about 300, I told myself, 500 and I'll be satisfied. Then I got to 624 for the longest time, and I said, okay, let me hit 750 and I'll be still. It didn't help that Eric got competitive (yes we're stupid like that), and hit about 680. So now I'm here, 870 and aiming for the next golden number: 1000. I'll probably take the next few weeks and maybe months to get there, but I really won't stop.

The game is a perfect metaphor for how I treat life now. Chase the goal. Arrive. Monitor the results. Make a decision – that'll be the next goal. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. It's kinda pathetic in a way, but I've been racing for so long, I'm not sure how to stop anymore.

*Wishing for that minute of eternity*