Dealing with change

I recently resigned from my full time job to become a stay at home mom. My excuse – reasons – were justifiable. We were moving into a new neighborhood in a newly developed township, and at the same time, my Cambodian maid was leaving for good – and we knew it would be sometime before we could find someone to replace her. I wasn't successful in convincing my own mother to make the move with me, originally we thought that if she moved along with us, it would be easier and I didn't have to quit my job completely. But things didn't quite turn out as planned, and so we took to Plan B, which was for me to resign and work from home while we adjusted to the changes in our lives.

In retrospect, you could say that God, in His own miraculous ways, had answered a long-time prayer. Ever since Paul came into our lives, I struggled with balancing my career and my personal desires to spend more time with Paul, being a better mother for him. The type of vocation I chose made it even more difficult – being in the public relations industry, deadlines are always pressing, and late nights are the norm. For years the struggle took a toil on my sanity, so although officially I can say that things turned out not according to our plans, you could also say that they actually turned out quite okay.

I was fortunate enough to have my company offer me part time freelancing hours, so I still contribute to my employees, albeit playing a different role now, having a completely different set of responsibilities now.

Having had house help for over two years has made me complacent some what, and it is extremely hard trying to adjust to living without someone to help wash and iron the clothes, and not have anyone sweep and mop the floors on a daily basis. I told Eric he HAS to adjust, and that I wasn't able to keep the house as clean and neatly as ever – as we found out very quickly – working from home and being a full time mom all at the same time is a tough juggling job, and I tire out so easily these day. I was watching Timmy Time with Paul just a few days ago, and I fell asleep in the middle of the show! Of course, there is another  reason for me getting tired so easily, and I will leave that reason unexplained for a while, but if you think you guessed it correctly, please be silent about it for a while because we're in those months when talking about is completely taboo – or so says tradition.

The other interesting bit about this change is seeing Paul's behavior change as well. The kiddo adapts the fastest to new conditions, as expected, and he is also the happiest I suppose. In the short time that we started this new – arrangement, Paul has become twice as clingy, and three times all the more loving towards the two of us. The downside to this, I fear, is the clinginess – I can't seem to be able to leave his sight for more than two minutes. A little over that and the little tyke panics, wailing away for his 'Mama', and once he finds me, he hugs me so tightly as if I had abandoned him.

I'm not sure how long this will last, I'm not too sure whether I'm at my happiest either, I am still irritable, and I get annoyed at the tiniest things – especially mess, and since my house is in a perpetual mess, imagine how annoyed I am nearly all the time. I just, wished, wished for more, wished that things would fall into place as I really want them to, that the new maid would arrive more quickly, that my mom would be a little more supportive, that there would be more neighbors moving in, that the shops outside would be built a little more quickly, that they would bring in a decent mall into the area soon. I was never an easily satisfied woman, while I know there isn't much I can do to change the conditions around me except to adapt – perhaps, I am quick sick of having to adapt all the time.

Or I can just blame it on my health, and maybe it's that time of the month for me.