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Ever since I made the big move (from corporate slave to stay-at-home-mommy), the realities of the new Asian mentality hit me like a thousand bricks. I call this situation the the new Asian response simply because I've shared this with friends, and many of us face the same challenge.
The new Asian response is the negative reaction from hopeful mothers of new mothers, who feel that it is a big disgrace to have a daughter quitting her job to focus on taking care of the kids. Usually, these older generation of mothers are classic Tiger Moms, many who spent their children's entire lives making sure all the needful conditions existed optimally, ensuring their children excelled in whatever they pursued in life.
My own mom is a Tiger Mom, in her own right. No, really. I had my piano lessons all the way to Grade A. To make sure I scored distinctions in all my ABRSM papers, I had an alarm clock placed on the piano, and everyday, one of the things I must complete is 2 complete hours practicing the keyboards. Never mind that I never quite acquired an ear for music – what mattered was I was able to play my scales and examination pieces fluently and flawlessly, enough for me to bring home all my certificates in flying colors.
That was just for piano. I went to art classes, math classes, BM classes, Chinese classes, swimming lessons. My television hours were rationed – I was only allowed 1 hour of TV a day, and during examination season, it was reduced to just 1 hour a week! We didn't have ASTRO until I graduated from high school! Every term examination, I would fear the results announcement the most. If I did well, she would remark with a singular 'good' and then, 'who did the best in your class?' If I did badly, and I always did quite badly, she would be ready with a laundry list of punishments for her to pick from at random.
But I've digressed during my walk down the past up there. The truth is, where I am now, isn't exactly ideal – not in my mom's eyes that is. It took me a very long time to convince my own mother that I would eventually take a break from growing my career, to focus on bringing up Paul and his siblings as they come along. I knew from the start she would disapprove – citing the fact, undisputed, that she had spent most of my childhood making sure that I was properly brought up to succeed in life. That I now have a university education and am putting it to waste 'by staying at home to be a MOTHER!' is even more appalling. 'Or else why should I have even bothered earlier, I should have just let you be, and then you can be who you are now anyway.'
I know many of my peers who go through this same struggle with their equally dismayed parents, mom and dads who reflexively, vehemently protest against their daughter's decision to become 'stay at home mothers'. Most are Chinese (for some reason, Tiger Moms, and Dads, are usually Chinese!) And so, many, choose to continue to be the obedient and filial good daughter, unwilling to disappoint our parents, and remain in their professional positions, juggling the impossibilities of juggling work and being guilty about 'not spending enough time' with their children.
I am fortunate because my mom is well read, and is well acquainted with the 'lifestyles' of the moment. In recent months, there have been more stories and articles about mothers like me, who give up a flourishing career to pursue the 'unthinkable' job to being a full time mom, and these stories often include how such mothers, unable to distract themselves from work anyway, chose to take up side businesses, and do additional work from home. So when my mom finally conceded with my decision to quit the day job completely and work from home, she had properly 'educated' herself with all the necessary information.
If you asked me, honestly, I'm not sure if this situation of freelancing from home is going to last me forever. I miss the orderly structure of the office administration, and I miss the comfort of knowing that at the end of every month, I will receive a salary anyway. I miss the politics (can't believe I am saying this), and I miss the friends you have from work, and oh the gossip, yes! I do miss that quite a lot.
Yet at this very moment of my life, I am thankful, for all that I have, and am enjoying right now. This 'condition' should last a while, I guess, at least until the kids are of school going age, and I think it's time for me to get back to work in the office environment again.
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7 Responses to Facing up to the new Asian mentality
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The other day in my office, I heard one of my colleague’s son tell her over the phone – “Mummy, actually I wanted to tell you something yesterday but you always got no time!”
I could see the hurt she felt. Even though I’m not a mum yet but I feel so sorry for her and other working mums.
I think you made the right choice of staying at home to look after your child.
I would to if I am blessed with a child of my own one day.
It’s still a daily challenge, some times my mom would go back to her old beliefs and complain about me quitting my job. Other times, even my own husband slips in a small complaint, before consciously saying ‘sorry’ and pulling back.
Hi, I want to say this…. It takes great courage to quit your job and be a full time housewife though you are still able to work from home.I was in your shoes years ago with unreliable domestic help and finally made the decision to be a home maker. It’s not easy initially but you will never regret it… after so many years my three children all are overseas graduates even though my mum was furious at first, but how can you put a price on education. All I learnt will never be lost..just look at me, have all the babies you want and raised them to be filial and you will never regret it. God bless u.
A big move indeed! It’s hard to really say if it’s right or wrong; only time will tell, I guess. Think of it this way – after so many years of the corporate rat race, now is your chance to bond and spend time with your kid(s) before going back to the corporate world again.
People (hubbies included) seem to think that SAHMs do nothing but watch telly, sleep and play with the kids all day. It will take some time before SAHMs are given due credit, but hang in there girl! Most importantly, you know that you’re doing the right thing at the right time in your life.
I just want to say what a brave move you’ve made. Im about to be a first time mum soon and already encountering a similar battle with my own mother. Fortunately as we are based overseas (mum & dad still in KL) it is a little easier and I know I wil cherish the time I spend as a SAHM as LO grows. Luckily hb was the one who encouraged it as he also had the typical Msian upbringing (hardly seeing his parents during early yrs & more bonding with babysitters etc) and knows he definitely does NOT want that for our LO.
I think the mothers of the previous generations are so hardcore because they have fought to even have the “right” to work and to at least stand somewhat equally with their male peers.
Most of them were cheering on the feminist movements in the 60s and 70s, so to them it’s a “luxury” and “privilege” to have the right to work, while generations after them have come to take it for granted. To their dismay, they are simply aghast with our belligerent attitude.
With time, they will come to realise that we are our own people.
It’s a learning curve for them and us daughters. Someday it’ll be our turn with our own children.
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