just minishorts.

The difficult questions in life - they beg our attention. I considered this over a long period of time, and some how, because of a conversation I had yesterday, I was terrorized and then it hit me how important it is that we keep questioning the issues in order that we are able to consider all available options in making our choices. It happened when I asked a friend, 'What do you think is your role here on earth right now?'

The answer was to the effect of, 'I'm not sure, I've wondered about that myself, and for now God is silent in my life, and but I am faithful that He will tell me soon enough, I will have to wait.'

But what if, what if God is already speaking?
What if God is speaking to us in the silence?
What if there is a message in all of this?
What if the disaster in China, in Myanmar, in Afghanistan, had to happen for a reason?
What if the reason was precisely to destroy the bad to allow good to come out of it?
What if the challenge is to come out of our comfort zones and venture into deep waters?
What if we're all in water, but we don't realize it?
What if the world ends tomorrow?
What if we keep waiting?

or closer to home..

What if Barisan Nasional keeps being in power?
Or what if Pak Lah really resigns tomorrow?
What if the Tun was right, and what if Pak Lah is wrong?
What if… Pak Lah and Barisan Nasional is right, and Pakatan Rakyat is wrong?
What if fuel subsidies really get lifted up completely, come this time tomorrow?
What if every single PSD did get their scholarship request?
What if suddenly everyone who wanted to become a doctor was given a place in university to study medicine, no questions asked, no requirements necessary?
What if everyone became a millionaire today?
What if everyone become poor today?
What if people didn't care?
or What if everyone started to care?
What if people stop fighting over silly issues like 'I have the right to use Allah in my religious books.'
or What if every woman in the country started wearing the tudung?
or more provocatively, What if every woman stopped wearing the tudung?

What if Islam isn't the true religion?
What if Christianity isn't the true religion?
What if there were no God?
What if heaven didn't exist?
or What if hell really is full of brimstone and fiery pits?
What if God does exist?
What if the internet isn't here? How would the world be today?
What if you could turn back time? What would you do?
What if you knew what you could do, and yet chose not to do anything?
What if you could make a difference in this world, and yet you didn't do anything?
What if you're just going to live, earn a living and die — just like that?

I cannot accept, that we must be blind mice, following doctrines and accepting laws and rules and regulations without ASKING the difficult questions and at least struggling to seek the answers. I am unable to be 'ok' with people who don't think beyond the current, who don't act beyond the safe, who don't exercise the right to choose. And then I keep asking myself, What if I just chose to stay put where I am, and let things be? What if this is it?

Tagging: Edrei, Mabel, Robert, Caleb, Zewt, Sivin.

I was reading Che Det's opinions on the racism-card and as always, damn-it, I'm bloody impressed. That man, the dear Tun has his way with words and the fact that he's nearing his 90s makes it all the more fantastic. My feelings and opinion of the man who was Prime Minister of my country for almost my entire life fluctuate between love and hate all the time, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I'll be quite devastated when he leaves this world eventually, although a good percentage of my thinking brain also hates the guy for his brand of top-down, save-my-ass politics.

The other percentage of my mind who is willing to forgive the Tun for his misgivings and disastrous mistakes keeps telling me also, that no one is ultimately innocent in the unmaking of Malaysia. Although I try hard not to generalize the entire human race as a scheming set of selfish idiots bent on surviving the Great Disaster, its hard (at least for me) to be optimistic all the time.

We may hate to admit the truth, but its true, we all suffer from the 'Save-My-Ass Complex', and the disgusting thing is, none of us are willing to face up to this, so we liberally label others as racist, judgemental, selfish, fundamental, greedy, evil, prideful, conceited, etc., while hardly reserving any space for personal improvement on our part.

Now I'm not saying that Tun is not racist in his views, but my perception of our ex-Prime Minister as a racist person doesn't come from anger and hatred… rather its because I look at him as just another person in this country who is just as racially-bigoted as you or me. What I'm saying is that not everyone of us who keeps fighting for 'equality' is willing to admit that he is not exactly keen on acquiring equality. This, possibly, is due to the damned 'save'my'ass complex' we all suffer from, we're just unwilling to be responsible and take ownership of that degrading label we so liberally dose upon the poor old man.

For God's sake, show me a 90-year-old man who is NOT racist, not even a bit. My granddad used to tell us that Tun Tan Siew Sin caused this entire MCA nonsense of submitting to the ketuanan Melayu issue, and the history books (or the writing of our History books) tell us that we're all keen on self-preservation, except very few of us are willing to admit that. In fact, the entire system of disequality has been hardwired so deeply into our souls its hard to shake it off ourselves within just a few months. The very fact that the Chinese insist that they must speak Chinese to remain Chinese, and the Indians wants their rights preserved in this country, or that concept of Ketuanan Melayu (what Ketuanan, the world's going to end one day and we're talking about KETUANAN? Sheesh), or even the fact that the 'true-Malaysians' born of mixed marriages can't help gushing about how mixed and truly Malaysian they are compared to the rest of us, tells us we're all eager to finish top in this crazy race of who's a better and more deserving Malaysian than the other.

Moving on to the issue of saving the environment. It's almost rubbish, the entire, concept, if you ask me. The problem is we keep kidding ourselves that we love the earth so much that we shouldn't let it go to waste… but the issue of a dying earth keeps staying because ultimate when it comes to choices, money is Lord of all things and decisions. I don't think it is possible to keep fighting for cheap goods and proclaim that we're keen on saving the world, because the facts remain that cleaning up the mess we have left behind costs tonnes of cash. We spoke about installing solar panels for the church building the other day (so that we can cut down on burning energy), but how many of us have actually done some research into what goes on in factories that build solar panels? Who's kidding us? Some part of my logic tells me that this race to save the world from greenhouse gases isn't about the environment, it's really about all of us, and how we MUST make sure that our asses don't get killed in the process of development. But people don't want to look at it that way. The problem is we are all so afraid to put our 'reputations' on the line and at least admit that we're all terrified of dying to failure, and we will continue to defend our right to be known as tree-huggers and earth lovers, when honestly it isn't about the environment, its really about our selves and our asses.

I wanna blame it on the advertisers and the marketeers, the people who call themselves communicators (people like yours truly), because we're all keen on painting a bright and lovely picture (of ourselves, damn it), even in the light of impending doom. So we blame other people for being racist, we blame industries for greenhouse gases, we blame governments for lousy governance, we blame employers for lousy managing, we blame boyfriends for lousy sex perhaps, all in a futile attempt to keep saving our asses in no-matter-what-situation.

So in the process, we forget, we voted for the dude and put him in power for 23 damned years, we bring our children up to remember that that guy is Chinese, and you are Malay, we teach our kids that non-Christians will go to hell, we complain when blackouts happen in the middle of the night (and that my aircond can't work so my kid can't go to bed), we forget we spend office hours deliberating on what to blog instead of doing work, we dress lousily and give our boyfriends lousy blowjobs (or not give them at all), and we keep asking that petrol subsidies and gas subsidies stay so that we can keep our costs low. We bloody complain when the government places a restraining order on foreign cars from buying petrol, but we also bloody complain that Singaporeans come in and take advantage of tax-funded petrol subsidies.

And on top of that, we conveniently say things like, 'all these price hikes, it's going to hurt the poor ones', but when some beggar comes to your table asking for just two dollars so that he can buy his lunch, we pretend he's not there and continue to yak away about how terrible the politicians are for not walking the talk.

I don't think the Tun is more evil than you or me. Instead, I want to give him credit for being so openly racist in his opinions. That guy has got the guts, although I suspect that he rattles off his opinions at that rate because he really has got nothing to lose anymore. But the 'save-my-ass' complex, we're all suffering from this, and hence we're not above him in our moral values. What if, we recognize he is wrong because he is a direct reflection of who we all are, deep inside, and it scares the shit out of us? How should we really react to that?

it's a quiet Friday, after weeks of hectic-dom — I am most grateful. Finally found the time to load some photos to flickr, and these are some that I especially like, the more memorable ones.

We came across this quaint little donation box at a little temple on the island of Pangkor.

My current 'most favouritest' photo of Rev Sivin Kit. For some reason the pastor is so biasa in real life, but on photos he seems so bergaya.

Which brings me to another one:

'Speak to the hand?'

These few weeks would have been disastrous on the soul, but thank God for the makan nights out, with Mr Food Finder Steven (Left of pic, guy with the silverc cross) being our guide to all the best places to eat. Taken at Restoran Gafan (Tmn Connaught), although, personally I prefer the shop at Damansara.

And finally, its hard to say I hate the job when it takes me to places where there are stone bunnies that look strangely distorted.

I'll tell you a little secret. Each time it rains with the whole shebang, lightening, thunderstorms, strong winds and all, a part of me shrivels in fear. When I look out of the window and see the trees swaying in the howling winds, I automatically go into a silent prayer, 'Spare me, spare me…'

Things have changed recently, its either I've gotten more sensitized to the weather and the things around me… or the afternoon thunderstorms have become a little more violent these days, and sometimes when the wind blows, I fear it would be the end of me, the end of all of this.

Then again, the great Krakatoa hasn't erupted yet, so maybe, just maybe my fears are unfounded.

And these are just the problems with the weather.

…

Eric and I have decided that we won't be buying a house. Of course the main reason why we've decided to do this is mostly due to a lack of economic funds… right now we're just unable to commit to a long term loan that would require us to put aside over a thousand ringgit a month. The price of food has risen so significantly that we both can now feel the strain. We had Chicken Rice yesterday, Eric had to pay RM12 for two plates and two glasses of herbal tea. Just five years ago we could go on a simple date for RM8, and have additional money to spare for the car park. I don't understand how come we can have the expensive galleys at Star Hill Plaza, Pavillion and The Gardens, or how afternoon buffet lunches at hotels like One World and Le Meridien can go up to RM80 per person. I wonder who walks into these places to get those expensive bags, or how can anyone keep affording to spend over RM50 on lunches every other day — I work in Bangsar, I see the rich every other day and I just cannot understand this spending…

The gap between the rich and the poor, its so obvious if you're driving to work each day (where I work) that you begin to understand the fear of the people. Amidst the better tarred roads along the Jalan Jalan Pantais, where there are exclusive kindergartens housed in bungalows (the school children get chauffeured to work and there are guards taking the kids in and out of Mercedes Benzs and Alphards), just one or two kilometers away there is the vastly overpopulated crazily crowded low costs flats and the hidden dirty slumps of Bangsar… This is where I work, a place where the gap between the rich and the poor is most glaring… and you can see the fear and selfishness in the eyes of the well-to-do (I am not generalising, its hard to walk along Jalan Bangsar and smile to a stranger and get smiled back at)…The shops along Jalan Telawi (1, 2, 3) they say, fetch a monthly rental return of over RM20,000 each, but we know the urban poor live not too far away below the foothills of Pantai Hillpark.

In the papers, you read of riots in Indonesia, and impending lifting of subsidies in so many other countries… you read of the Junta putting restrictions on outreach programmes to victims of the cyclone, and then you read of the Chinese struggling to start over whilst mourning for their lost… then you flip to the Metro sections or even Pages 5 and 6 in our main papers and you see the orang kaya-kaya Malaysia who stand with each other in their expensive suits holding a printed mock cheque in colourful bold headings. They donate money and they want people to know they've given.

Its sad how the rich are so good at demanding and yet so lousy at giving.

I have five more months to go as a single 'Miss' before walking down the aisle to say 'I do' when the minister asks me to take Eric as my lawfully wedded husband.

I think I deserve every right to get nervous over the eventual leaving of the bird's nest.

The realities to come hit me smack in the face:

- New home
- New furniture
- Sleeping beside someone
- Having sex!
- Having babies
- Becoming a mother!

… OMG …

…

In light of the things that are happening in Malaysia and the world, I don't think I'm alone in wondering whether we're able to, as a nation of people, survive the next fifty years. Sometimes I also wonder if we will be able to survive the end of the year. If you're looking at life that way then you realize it choices become extremely important. Is it enough to just survive living, or is it possible that we can do more than survive death? I try very hard to look at my life as temporary, so that it gives somekind of deadline to the things I can manage to do while I'm here on human earth. I do want to get married and have children wonder, have no doubt about that, and whatever happens, I want to be able to get up to the place where people go after they die and happily say to myself I died exhausting every single bit of talent I was given, and my life was meaningful.

This sounds really corny, but right now the bride-to-be in me is really really looking to that added meaning in my life. I'm gettting married in five months! WHOA!