just minishorts.

It must be the Merdeka spirit in the air, but today I'm going to tell you a very rare one, a homemade minishorts-styled animal story.

Now as you sit back and begin to read this, I'm not sure how long this story will be since I make things up along the way but I can promise that I will try to engage you guys… anyway here goes.

The story goes that once, there was a very cute little poodle, whose name was Pinky (because she loved everything pink). Pinky the Poodle lived in the spanking clean and hygienic, run on state-of-the-art vet technology Pets 'R Us, a huge home for cute cute and nice nice little home animals, you know, like dalmations (those huge lovely dogs with spots), golden retrievers (I love these creatures, so loyal and friendly), amazing rag doll kittens (lovely lovely), and cute chubby little hamsters that spend the whole day munching on vacuum-packed sunflower seed mix.

Oh they were ALL VERY VERY CUTE, but the truth is, none could beat Pinky the Poodle, 'cos she was always trimmed and groomed, and her long silky fur was always tied up in a cute little baby pink ribbon and the way she woofed and turned over on her back was just OH-SO-ADORABLE! She was the darling of Pets 'R Us, and oh everyone, yes everyone, even the people from outside just couldn't help but pour their love on to her.

So one findfine day, Pinky the popular Poodle, decided that she would have a holiday, a break from the orderly, orderly life that she led at Pets 'R Us.

Pinky decided, and so Pinky made a loud announcement, 'You know! I am going to Taman Negara! They say there are lots of things to see over there, and different species of animals never been seen before. I shall go. And I shall conquer. And I shall return to tell my tale.'

So she went.

Well see, she didn't go alone of course, she went with her best friend the little chihuahua, Hua Hua, and a few other friends… but because the star of my story is Pinky, we will keep them in the shadows, ok?

SO Pinky the Poodle arrived at the entrance to the great Taman Negara, and she said to her best friend the cute cute Hua Hua, 'Oooo we are at Taman Negara! So many things to see!'

And they squealed and all of them who came from Pets 'R Us strutted into the big big place called Taman Negara… ready, to face, anything.

Or so they thought.

The first animal they met along the way was a cute little mousedeer who went by the name of Sang Kancil. Now as we all know, Sang Kancil is a very very smart animal, probably the smartest animal in the whole of Taman Negara. He was also multilingual, and could speak a rojak blend of dialects and languages apart from Jungle Talk at the same time.

Sang Kancil, was astounded to see Pinky the Poodle all wrapped up in pink, and so he asked, 'Wahai si anjing yang beriben merah muda, where do you come from my dear? Ke mana you nak pigi?'

'Wa,' said Pinky in her cute little arfy voice. 'Wa come from Pets R' Us. Wa come for holiday.'

Koyak. Like chicken talk to duck. One talk BM campur English, one talk English campur Hokkien. How to match I ask you?

Sang Kancil tried again, 'Huh? Boleh repeat ke?'
Pinky said, 'Wa said. Wa ai go holiday. Wa hungry. Wa dunno where to go.'
Sang Kancil said, 'Huh? Tak faham lah.'

Pinky was exasperated. But instead of using the universal language called 'English', Pinky decided to act clever, and go back to her Pets 'R Us language. 'Arf arf arf arf!'

That was a wrong move yeah…. cos Sang Kancil, having been in huge wild Taman Negara for the entire part of his life, had never heard the structured syllables that came out from the orderly lifestyle of Pets 'R Us. He shook his head at at this 'betina gila' and walked away.

Pinky and her friends felt SO ANGRY, and the first thing that Pinky thought was, 'KNNCB! If there were a huge huge pig right here now I will throw at that silly little creature and it will flatten him.'

And lo-and-behold, just as that thought crossed her mind, a huge ass wild boar just so happened to walk near them.

'Newbies?' he asked, suave in a way that only wild boars can be suave.

'Urm yeah!' Pinky blinked at his English. 'We're tourists. We come from Pets 'R Us.'

'Oh. That clean clean place in the city ah? I heard they feed you guys healthy food and you guys get to play with a lot of nice things.'
'Yes yes yes! Pets 'R Us is nice and clean, The Place For All Animals is our motto… but you are a bit big and fat to fit inside…'
'Taman Negara is famous for our scenery and the big outdoors. This place is big, so you need people to take you around.'
'We're hungry and we want to go somewhere where we can take things home.'

Big fat Wild Boar thought for a while, and then he said, 'You should go to the TN Falls.'

'Huh?'
'The Taman Negara Falls.'
'Oh is it a nice place?'
'It's where there's great drinks, and wonderful fruit to buy. Things you cannot get at Pets 'R Us.

'Oh!' At the sound of 'things you cannot get at Pets 'R Us, Pinky and friends squealed in joy. 'Can you take us there?'

'Can no problem.'

And he did, took them they, and they eagerly followed the Big Fat Wild Boar.

OK bla bla bla… the trip was tedious, uncomfortable, but they reached there soon enough. TN Falls was a sight to behold, it was something completely alien to the folks from Pets 'R Us–it was chaotic. There was birds of all colours flying everywhere, monkeys with red asses swinging from tree to tree, behind a pictureresque scene of wonderful splashing water rushing down a very big hill.

Pinky and friends were so excited, they wanted to run to the waters immediately! They forgot to say something though, and Wild Boar wasn't about to let them go so easily, 'Oey!'

Pinky turned back, and her friends went to see the new place.

'Yes?'
'You forgot something?'

Pinky was silly. She decided to say this, 'Urm. What?'

'Shouldn't you give me something?'
'Like?'
'I don't know. Show your appreciation?'
'How?'
'TIU! Your mother never teach you manners ah?'
'Urm. At Pets 'R Us, we can do anything we want.'
'OKAY… well here is not Pets 'R Us, you must say thank you and give me a kiss.'

Wild Boar said that because he was angry, but you know what? I don't think he expected Pinky to squench her cute little nose and give him a peck on his ugly face. Happily he strutted away, pleased that his usually failing bullying tricks worked.

OK now where were we. Oh yeah. TN Falls.

Now Pinky and friends had travelled very far, and they were very tired, so all they wanted was a slurp to drink. They strutted to the clean lovely stream, and wear about to poke their nuzzles into the water, when suddenly, a huge animal growled.

'Grrrr… what you doing?'

Oh it was Sang Serigala yang sangat licik, the guy who maintained the cleanliness of the stream (everywhere else it was dirty you see, but the stream that provided the drinking water for the living things in Taman Negara must be kept clean, so that was his job).

'We want to drink some water,' said Pinky.
'You're tourists.'
'Yes we are.'
'Tourists must pay.'
'KNNCB? What for?'
'To help us maintain the filters.'

Well that was not true, the waters were naturally clean, but Sang Serigalas memang licik like that one lah… so anyway, Pinky asked again, 'Like this ah? How much?'

'All the ribbons on your two fore feet!'
'Huh? So expensive?'
'Well, they're your only possessions that are worthy. I'm not asking for the ones on your two back feet.'
'In Pets 'R Us, water is provided FREE OF CHARGE!'
'This is not Pets 'R Us, girl, this is Taman Negara. When in Taman Negara, you do as the Taman Negara-ians do.'

She had no choice but to pay for their slurp of water.

It was the dreamiest water they had ever drank of. Of course lah, completely fresh, pure fall from the sky water, very clean only Taman Negara got one… not the recycled type they get at Pets 'R Us.

Pinky and friends drink drink drink drink so much, until, CB, have to go toilet.

Now potty business, was a difficult business in Taman Negara. It's the big outdoors, and basically, because of the intense level of diversity in Taman Negara-ians, they do whatever they want at a nice big patch known as the lalang field, where lots of patches were available for animals in Taman Negara to do their big and small businesses.

A small and tight little clearing led the way from the TN Falls area to the lalang field area, and after getting their directions from some passing monkeys, Pinky and friends made their way to do their potty business.

There was a very very long queue of animals lining up in the little lane… and poor Pinky and friends just had to wait. They waited and waited, and everyone found their own patches… well, Pinky was nice enough to let her friends go first mah…

So she was eager to go but she had to wait, and she was patient, even though the wild smell of poo amidst lalang prickled her sensitive nostrils, she waited.

It was almost her turn.

She waited, and she waited.

Then finally, it was her turn! Yay! Yay!… Pinky was just about to put forth her next foot to her very own dirty patch, when suddenly, a HUGE FAT ELEPHANT appeared before her very eyes, and took over the patch!

Oh dear, oh dear.

Poor little Pinky… she was so shocked, so bullied, so shocked, that she… she… she…

…she peed there and then. On the spot. In front of everybody.

Oh dear, oh dear.

The rest of the trip was quite a disaster, because Pinky couldn't stop the taunts of the animals that kept ringing in her ears, and well, we can't quite fault her, right? The poor poor thing.

You know, I was about to say 'The end', but I'd like to tell you some facts about Pets 'R Us and Taman Negara.

One is small, one is big.
One is systematic, one is wild.
One is clean, one is so big, it's clean here and there, dirty here and there.
One is quite predictable, one is so diverse you never know what will turn up next.
One is safer because it's enclosed and tighter, one is huge and scary at times.
One has citizens, one has MORE citizens.
One is small, one is big.

And both are wonderful wonderful places to live in… really.

Except, really, we all know this already, there's no place sweeter than home. Tourists love their homes more than the place they go visit, and nothing beats the warm cushiony comfort of home. NOTHING. Otherwise you'd pack up and go live elsewhere already, like Andy who went to live with his mother because he considered that home.

But oh well, Pinky had to go the extra mile, because well, she's Pinky, and everyone is supposed to love Pinky, so Pinky must say something. Anything also can.

So she just decided to say 'Arf arf arf!'

So I ask you, you guys so pissed for what?

THE END.

Add on: You know, since all fables have 'a moral to the tale', this one has one too. I just need someone to phrase it nicely you know, in a short, one-sentence very simple one-liner, so that parents can take the gist of this story to bed and tell their children 'kids, this is what you cannot do…'

So help me out will ya? Give me the moral of the tale.

Jeff Ooi had a little bird,
Little bird, little bird,
Jeff Ooi had a little bird,
Who told him all he knew

And everywhere that Jeff Ooi went,
Jeff Ooi went, Jeff Ooi went,
Everywhere that Jeff Ooi went
The bird was sure to go

It followed him to work one day
Work one day, work one day
It followed him to work one day
And helped him blog his posts

It made the readers laugh and say,
Laugh and say, laugh and say,
It made the readers laugh say,
'The little bird's there again!'

"Why does the little bird love Jeff so?"
Love Jeff so? Love Jeff so?
"Why does the little bird love Jeff so?"
The eager readers cry

"Why, Jeff Ooi loves the bird, you know."
Loves the bird, you know, loves the bird, you know
"Why, Jeff Ooi loves the bird, you know."
That's something we all know.

GOT ANOTHER ONE

Jeff Ooi's Jeff Ooi's little bird
How I wonder who you are
Always behind every piece of news
Faster than BBC, Cleverer than CNN
Jeff Ooi's Jeff Ooi's little bird
How I wonder who you are!

OH MY GOD I AM SO FUCKING LAME OK STUPID STUPID ME. WHEE WHEE MACK FORCED ME TO POST THIS UP. OK NOW EVERYBODY CAN SING WHEE WHEE WHEE (sorry the posts for the coming weeks will be A BIT loser and lamer ok … cos I GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO … whee whee) OK OUT. BACK TO WORK. WHEEE!

Am working yes I am. But I keep seeing this all over one of the chapters and excuse me but maybe being 20-something, all screwed up and all that has messed up my mind. But here is what I'm dealing with at work now:

This particular chapter aims to teach children how to pronounce words that start with the initial 'b' sound and how to spell the numbers 1-5 in their word forms. The content provides the following rubric (instruction in teaching terms):

Read a story about Ben and learn the following words, phrases and simple sentences:
boy, Ben, books, balls, bananas, Ben and bananas, Ben is in bed

I'm not sure how the word 'bananas' got into the picture. Ideally in an introductory chapter, children should not be given a polysyllabic word that sticks out like a sore thumb amongst its monosyllabic friends. 'boy', 'books', 'balls' and 'bananas'. Where on earth did 'bananas' come from?

There's a song for singing at one of the chapter.

One book, two books, three books, four.
One ball, two balls, three balls, four.
One banana, two bananas, three bananas, four.

OK this isn't nearly as bad. In part of the chapter there's this other section about questions and answers and a few new words are introduced to the child. The Teacher's Guide provides help to teachers and this is what part of it says:

Encourage pupils to respond to questions. Examples:
Ben has two balls in his box. How many balls does Ben have in his box?
Why is Ben looking at the bananas?
Did Ben eat the bananas?

The Activity sheet looks quite dodgy too. Check this out.

Listen and repeat the following.
Ben and his ball.
Ben kicks his ball.
Up, up, up.
Down, down, down.
Ben kicks the ball
Up, up, up.
It is in the tree.
Ben kicks the ball.
Up, up, up.
Down, down, down.
Ben kicks the ball.
Down, down, down.
It is in the box.

OK. That, my friends, is what I do at work. Read things like that.

You know whenever I get too much on my plate at work I go bonkers and that's when the stupid Bedtime Stories will suffer. OK not the bedtime stories.

But remember that stupid song about the hundred green bottles, sitting on a wall?

Yeah I've just had enough of it. I was telling my colleague just now, and she gave me this.

A hundred dynamites, sitting on the wall,
A hundred dynamites, sitting on the wall,
And if one dynamite should accidentally fall,
There'll be no more f*ing dynamites, sitting on the wall.

Right. Then I thought of something else… blame the work please.

A million spermatozoa sitting in a ball,
A million spermatozoa sitting in a ball,
And if two brassiere straps should accidentally fall,
There'll be no spermatozoa sitting in the ball.

Blah. I've got more, but will keep them for another day.

How many stories did I miss out on writing?

For one… you asked me about the blowjob story. I tried. I really tried. But after trying, I realized that the entire process is something that no words can describe.

I am but a rookie when it comes to sex and seriously and apparently, as what I have found out and realized, practice makes perfect. No matter how adept I am at describing my actions in words, it is quite impossible to do it without convulating the entire essence of minishorts's blog. Which I will not do, lest some concerned parents come and accuse her of miseducation again.

I am sorry I have been lost for weeks.

This is post #16 about my ordeals towards happiness and I am quite certain that this will be the last of it.

But you already know how it ended. Finally, I completed plaiting the silk robe. Finally, Mark came. Finally I was happy. Finally we were ready to leave. Finally, finally, finally…

We thought we were going to be together, forever, as one. Happily ever after. With my long hair and the rest of the world. Without my stepmother.

Alas.

It was not to be.

My mother, she came.

She snipped off my hair.

And now.

I am left.

With nothing.

Except Mark. And we rushed down the tower, leaving my Mum behind. I quite believe she's still up in the tower there now, but I'm just too scared to go see her. There's a small pantry there, and the food will last her for about another month. When she's cooled down I'll prolly send some people there to get her down.

But later lah. I did some very naughty things that I'll have to account for later, and right now I guess I'm still not ready. You know, what with all the pre-marital sex and then the eloping and then the hiding of a handsome beefy prince inside my wardrobe and all…

How to go and see Mum, I ask you?

Well, things could be better.

I think I'll do fine.

But the point of this is to bid you adieu, yes minishorts she remembered, but she says its time for me to go and live a good life… and apparently, other citizens of Fairytale-land want a piece of her webspace as well.

For that, I bid you farewell, and may you live forever and ever, happily ever after.

Goodbye!

The End.

Previously on Rapunzel Speaks:
RS 1 RS 2 RS 3 RS 4 RS 5 RS 6 RS 7 RS 8

Rapunzel shares her lovemaking tips:
RS 9: How to do it right #1
RS 10: How to do it right #2
RS 11: How to do it right #3

And then later,
RS 12: So much for the popped cherry
RS 13: When he cometh, I quoted Shakespeare
RS 14: And then it was over, and time to say goodbye
RS 15: Actually, Vincent, it was Day Four