Of course I'm not talking about the part of my life where I work at living it with my family - the fun part that includes Paul, Eric and everyone in between. Although I do confess, I am restricted by the knowledge that Aunty Slim and Uncle Fat, and their kids Gorgeous and Mediocre and Ugly and they and their cousins Enchanting, Unremarkable, Commonplace and Glamorous too have their prying eyes upon the things I write.

Occasionally I do wish I weren't so well read by my family, because family, oh well, family being family, they have their two-sen about everything under the sun; especially how it is so fun to read and see the photos that this show-it-all post but how unChinese and unTraditional and unSuitable it is to be such a show-it-all on the net.

'It's not good for Paul you know, it's not good, Chinese must pantang a bit, don't put so many photos up.'

You should see the sort of stuff MY FRIENDS put of their kids online, and besides, I've got a cutesy cousin who's already bared all by posting up all our child-time photos on Facebook for all to see! I can only thank God I was partially adorable as a plump little four year old, but all I have that was private is alas, alas gone.

I also happened, btw, to notice that I am terribly lousy on the weekdays, and especially during office hours when I can sneak in about fifteen minutes to do a 'I personally feel that the world should be like this' kind of post. The words come out wrong, the musings aren't musings at all, and perhaps, because the work beckons me and keeps tapping on my shoulders, I splat out concepts in between office responsibilities, and in those moments of 'me'-time in the office, I'm tired, cynical, beyond comprehension, angry, upset, passive, insolent.

…

Right now, I just feel extremely good and proud of myself. The kid's asleep at 9.12, hubby's out to have his 'me'-time and me, I'm finally here with a proper 'me'-time. I guess after getting married over one and a half years ago, I've put my 'me'-time aside for 'us'-time, and yes, yes, while it was good, I could never get down to properly resting. In the past, I spent my 'me'-time chatting online, listening to music, watching movies, writing here whenever I had a thought, and then that part of me would be recorded charmingly or uncharmingly. It was good.

I should do this more often.

To think that just a few years back I used to be totally puzzled as to why those 'mommy blogs' just talk about NOTHING but their kids.

I noticed that in the past few months I've less of an opinion about everything under the sun, I'm less passionate about voicing my two-sen on how religion should be practised, I'm more introverted about my political leanings, I hardly have a social life, and suddenly I'm no longer media savvy – which tells you a lot about how fast things change in this community. I took a mini-leave of about 4 months and suddenly I have SO MUCH to do in order to catch up. URGH!

The post partum depression modes threatened to turn my life upside down, and at times, I swear I was thisclose to telling Eric 'I have had enough of this shit'. But thankfully, the experts and been-there-done-thats also tell me it is totally normal to be extremely hormonal as long as I am breast feeding or as long as my period doesn't return (my period came back consistently for 3 months and then suddenly it stopped. Thank God also, that Eric loves me tremendously and incredibly, so it is in experiencing the past one year and experiencing life with Eric since marriage, that I can truly look at my life, look towards the sky (because I believe God is up there the most), look around myself and say 'oh my gosh I am so blessed.'

I'm reflective today, just for a bit. I think tomorrow I"ll be back to blogging about my kid again. Lalala.

I suppose it isn't all that wrong to call myself an excellent life in moderation, and I like to think that I've been extraordinary on my own turf.

My husband calls me a drama queen, and while I insist I'm only a miniature one, having known too many women (and men) who've exceeded even my own limits at tragedizing their lives to a stage-like quality, he declares me a major primadonna – possibly because my Eric is one of the most private persons I've ever known. He's the, you know, strong, silent type, who holds in his tears but lets them out for the closest person to him in the world to appreciate and emphatize.

In the early days of our courtship, I was this panicky little miss 'but-what-if' who would quickly burst into sprinkles of tears the moment anything 'major' hits me. Sometimes, my body would move before my head did, and I recall a day when Eric and I had a disagreement and I got so upset, I unbuckled myself and stormed out of the car, stomping down the sidewalk in 2 1/2 inches heels under the scorching sun, with no regard for the curious onlookers staring from inside their comfy air-conditioned cars. It took Eric almost 1 km of driving behind me before I gave up (because it was too hot and I was sweaty and smelly) and surrendered.

Sometimes I think it's a miracle that a specimen like me even got proposed to, and made it down the aisle in one piece. I think I've also mentioned before that following Eric's very dramatic proposal, the one-year of preparation was also filled with ups and downs and there were moments when I felt like throwing in the towel and ditching the thought of marriage altogether. Or maybe all these dramatic efforts were a reflection of my fear of commitment.

I didn't quite plan to get pregnant so very soon, because, well, at first hoh,  Eric said he was taking me to Australia or New Zealand this October for a second honeymoon. Well now that's firmly established to be out of the question, here I am nursing an increasing waistline and anticipating the opportunity feed my boobs to a baby in a few months time!

Each day, I still wonder where life will lead me.

It's almost three years since I've entered the hectic hectic world of the GLC public relations industry. I am most happy to tell you that today (or rather since yesterday) onwards, I will be taking leave while serving the last remaining days of my notice.

What's next? I wonder. The wedding is coming in just a few more weeks, so this 'brief' hiatus from the super hectic lifestyle of work, work and more work, is most welcomed. There are rumours going around that I'm going to be in the same circle still – I'm rather amused that the rumours seem to fly even before I arrive at a final decision. I can't decide on what to do… for someone who prides herself on being as opinionated (and hence, decisive) as I do, surely being decisive is a luxury that I should afford myself every year or so?

I just got out of my handover meeting with my temporary superior and I'm glad that things are on the way. Thanks for the years, thanks for allowing me to confide in you, so privately and then so secretly.

I'm updating my 'About' page on my website. The latest status of my 'position' in life shall be, 'Happily trying to keep to her budgets while getting ready for the most important day of her life!'

I've never thank God so publicly here before, but today I want to say that and dedicate this entire post to Him. For the opportunities, for the twists and turns in my life, for giving me these skills, for the friends who've helped me get to here, for the future (bright, I'm convinced), for what's possible, for the dreams I'm allowed to realized, I thank You.

But today, the boy was different. I got to pick the child up from the floor easily, and then later he stayed with my other colleague for the longest time, before almost falling asleep in Eric's arms. You could see the frowns on the little girl's face had now disappeared, and it was really a real joy to be in the space of this family. The stress, from all the past three years, were no longer there.

And then, DAMN, was I envious. You have no idea what's happening over here. I tell you about it, but being in the line of the fire gets a little bit ridiculous. Whatever I learnt about this, so far, the information tells me that an ethical practitioner will try as much as possible to take less of the heavyweight materials – but it doesn't seem like 'accountability' is understood here. At least previously, there were people, there were teams, and the passion for what we do helped keep us goin, but AIYAK you went first, and now… 

I know I'm merely counting days, BUT DAMN I'm ENVIOUS ok…

Like this one:

'I wanted to ask you, you know? How do you order food from a caterer?'

'Errr… you pick up the phone and call the caterer lah.'

I thought some would have been offended by my answer. But then came the next question:

'What do you say on the phone?'

Every single day. Something. Its getting on my nerves, but then it is also really, really hilarious and, cracks me up, every single day. I love it. I hate it. I don't know. It's so sad and yet it's so funny at the same time. I need to get this right, I have to, have to save the day, like a mad hatter with a superhero complex, I MUST save the day, but this is so freaking ridiculous, the kind of things I get thrown at me, the kind of strange suggestions, like, 'maybe we should ask the hotel to buy the cake from the shop for us and then we buy the cakes from the hotel so that  we can cut costs and payment can be cleared easily.'

You wanna go WTF but you can't. I wanna say WTF but I can't.

And there's me. Ms know-it-all, Ms I-have-an-opinion, Ms I'll-be-damned-if-I-don't-tell-you-just-how-you-should-behave. That's me. Whoever you are, people I know, people I don't know, I will have an opinion about you, and if I have the opportunities to reach out to you, I will tell you just what I think about you, about your actions, about what you do means to me. I can either tell it to you straight, or if I think its just pointless to engage you one-on-one (because I am uninterested in argumentative conversations), I will say it, somewhere. And sometimes, I say it here.

Whether you get it or not, that has nothing to do with me, I do not exist to tell you that my advice is God-sent and you should take it. It's just another take on things, and I say it here in my space because to me, that is where it will end. And it is for you to take it if you see it, or to leave it, either that, or you can completely miss the point, and I won't care either.

***

But apparently, according to the recent feedback I've received, apparently, I cannot have an opinion. Not even in my own space. Apparently, if I have an opinion, I have to tell it to that person in person, if I have the guts. Apparently, if I have an opinion that is harsh, unkind, and uncaring, I'm a hypocrite, and I am more of an enemy than of a friend. Apparently, if I have an opinion about someone who in my opinion is famous, I am 'JEALOUS'.

So you know what I think? You guys have ridiculous logics.  For fucks sake it's not like I went to some doctor to verify that my opinions are truly just. Cheh, I'm just another no-brainer down the road who has a position on certain matters, and you know that, I decided because I'm not interested in having people concur with me, I will just blog about it in my blog lah.

But apparently, I am a bitch anyway. So if I engage and argue with you I'm a bitch. If I talk to myself here, I'm a bitch. I wanna to write about it, I'm a bitch. I don't wanna write about it, I'm also a bitch (because there are people who will say crap like 'I wonder what she thinks of it'. I don't bother about things, I'm a bitch. I'm connected to a bitch, I'm a bitch. Crap concept I tell you.

***

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AN OPINIONATED MIS-ALIGNED, CONFUSED PRICK, or to some people, I've always been that person who will have an opinion that makes sense and sounds reasonable. I'm either your cup of tea, or I'm your cup of poison. You don't like poison, don't take it. You can bitch about the poison in your own space, but if you come near the poison and keep scolding the poison, the cup of poison is not going to turn into sweet nectar anytime soon.

You've had it your way, I'll have it mine. We're even. If you have a problem with that, my response is: okay. It doesn't mean I'll do something to react to you. If I react, its a reaction. If I don't react, its a reaction as well, and my reaction might not be in your favour. If my reaction doesn't please you and you feel upset about it, make a choice and don't come near this cup of poison anymore lah.

But btw, feel very free to go bitch about how my hypocrisy irks you. Just don't expect me to turn into some saintly unhypocritical Goddess anytime soon.

You should have read the posts I wrote when I started off this exercise over five years ago. Man were they even more cryptic and completely pointless. Haha.

Anyway, that's the point of this. It's not for you to get it. Its for me to let my 'stuff' out, and that's what its really about it.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Is this me? I am who I choose to be, of course, and then I do believe that you create your own destiny in the piece of paper that God gives to you as your life.

…

The analogy of life, in my eyes is like this. When I was born, I was born into a piece of art block – my life. The colours on it, the strokes that I allow on it, the pictures that will appear to narrate the tales of my life, that's completely up to my free will. I'm safe because I'm within the boundaries of my very own God-given art block, and it's a huge piece of paper, this life. The coolest thing is, I've only just completed 1/4 of the painting, or is it just 1/40? I don't really know. When this life is over, my life will be another one of those fantastic masterpieces in God's humongous gallery.

Hebat kan? The imagery that arrives in the middle of the night. I'm odd like that. This is probably the reason why when I was in publishing, I use to enjoy the long nights and the late mornings, because being the owl I am, my brain clocks in its imaginative works the moment midnight falls.

…

I'm still in Kota Bharu, dreading the next day. If I could I would still time and wish that this moment would never end, time would stop moving, and I could be here on holiday forever. It's fun also because Eric is next door snoring (we can't share a room yet, next year maybe), and I'm not entirely looking forward to tomorrow's flight home (because home – KL – means works).

Perhaps it's no accident that as I type that I'm listening to Delirious's Miracle Maker. It's an amazing song, seriously, you don't have to be Christian to love the song, whoever you believe God to be, the song is an apt tune of praise. This is probably the first video I've pasted on this blog in years.

Sigh LOVE these songs! Why did they have to be 'Christian'? OK… no need to be Christian also can enjoy the song okay… and seriously, don't blame the Charismatics for being 'weird' people who only will listen to Praise and Worship. With songs like this, who needs Madonna?