just minishorts.

Sometimes I want to be someone else. Not because I'm jeles of them. Not because I want to be taken in the same light as they have. But because every once in a while, I want to say the things that I couldn't say as I am.

Why?

Because of all those that would judge me based on what they see. Based on what they think they know about me. Above all, judge me based on a reputation that has long since been as pointless as it is useless. To what end? I dunno and I don't think I want to know.

There are stakes and consequences to say the things I want to say. No longer am I free to say them because the point gets lost in the sea of ignorance and disbelief. I'm surrounded by a wall of what I'm "supposed to be" that very few people seem to "get it". As much as I want to make a difference in my words, people will see it as "me being me" and will forgo the message altogether.

I try and endure the constant bouts of stupidity because what's there to it? I live with it. I blog about it. I move on. Just that these days, it's not as easy as it once was. So sometimes I just be someone else, if only to say the things I want to say, if only to be heard for what is been said, if only for a while.

I met my friend and his family today, and the glow was unmistakeable. Of course he sported a new hairstyle, and wore 'different' from what we were usually used to, but more importantly, the glow was infectious. Previously on similar meetings, the youngest kid would be running around the floor, refusing to be played with, much less hugged or kiss… and then you could see the frown on the little girls face, or maybe perhaps, you know, the kids don't really get to see daddy often, and they had to tag along on his business meetings — but even then he couldn't pay them attention.

But today, the boy was different. I got to pick the child up from the floor easily, and then later he stayed with my other colleague for the longest time, before almost falling asleep in Eric's arms. You could see the frowns on the little girl's face had now disappeared, and it was really a real joy to be in the space of this family. The stress, from all the past three years, were no longer there.

And then, DAMN, was I envious. You have no idea what's happening over here. I tell you about it, but being in the line of the fire gets a little bit ridiculous. Whatever I learnt about this, so far, the information tells me that an ethical practitioner will try as much as possible to take less of the heavyweight materials - but it doesn't seem like 'accountability' is understood here. At least previously, there were people, there were teams, and the passion for what we do helped keep us goin, but AIYAK you went first, and now… 

I know I'm merely counting days, BUT DAMN I'm ENVIOUS ok…

I think I'm going to write a book about this one day, one day when I leave. Day after day after day I get the strangest of questions, strangest of observations, strangest of comments, strangest of suggestions.

Like this one:

'I wanted to ask you, you know? How do you order food from a caterer?'

'Errr… you pick up the phone and call the caterer lah.'

I thought some would have been offended by my answer. But then came the next question:

'What do you say on the phone?'

Every single day. Something. Its getting on my nerves, but then it is also really, really hilarious and, cracks me up, every single day. I love it. I hate it. I don't know. It's so sad and yet it's so funny at the same time. I need to get this right, I have to, have to save the day, like a mad hatter with a superhero complex, I MUST save the day, but this is so freaking ridiculous, the kind of things I get thrown at me, the kind of strange suggestions, like, 'maybe we should ask the hotel to buy the cake from the shop for us and then we buy the cakes from the hotel so that  we can cut costs and payment can be cleared easily.'

You wanna go WTF but you can't. I wanna say WTF but I can't.

To be honest, I hate this need to justify my actions. I know the rationale, you can't define another person's experiences of you, and I can't define or tell you exactly why I do what I do, you will decide for yourself, and best of all, you will judge based on what your worldview tells you what people are like - just like how I formulate MY opinions on people (friends included), totally, completely, based on what my moral compass tells me how things should be like.

And there's me. Ms know-it-all, Ms I-have-an-opinion, Ms I'll-be-damned-if-I-don't-tell-you-just-how-you-should-behave. That's me. Whoever you are, people I know, people I don't know, I will have an opinion about you, and if I have the opportunities to reach out to you, I will tell you just what I think about you, about your actions, about what you do means to me. I can either tell it to you straight, or if I think its just pointless to engage you one-on-one (because I am uninterested in argumentative conversations), I will say it, somewhere. And sometimes, I say it here.

Whether you get it or not, that has nothing to do with me, I do not exist to tell you that my advice is God-sent and you should take it. It's just another take on things, and I say it here in my space because to me, that is where it will end. And it is for you to take it if you see it, or to leave it, either that, or you can completely miss the point, and I won't care either.

***

But apparently, according to the recent feedback I've received, apparently, I cannot have an opinion. Not even in my own space. Apparently, if I have an opinion, I have to tell it to that person in person, if I have the guts. Apparently, if I have an opinion that is harsh, unkind, and uncaring, I'm a hypocrite, and I am more of an enemy than of a friend. Apparently, if I have an opinion about someone who in my opinion is famous, I am 'JEALOUS'.

So you know what I think? You guys have ridiculous logics.  For fucks sake it's not like I went to some doctor to verify that my opinions are truly just. Cheh, I'm just another no-brainer down the road who has a position on certain matters, and you know that, I decided because I'm not interested in having people concur with me, I will just blog about it in my blog lah.

But apparently, I am a bitch anyway. So if I engage and argue with you I'm a bitch. If I talk to myself here, I'm a bitch. I wanna to write about it, I'm a bitch. I don't wanna write about it, I'm also a bitch (because there are people who will say crap like 'I wonder what she thinks of it'. I don't bother about things, I'm a bitch. I'm connected to a bitch, I'm a bitch. Crap concept I tell you.

***

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AN OPINIONATED MIS-ALIGNED, CONFUSED PRICK, or to some people, I've always been that person who will have an opinion that makes sense and sounds reasonable. I'm either your cup of tea, or I'm your cup of poison. You don't like poison, don't take it. You can bitch about the poison in your own space, but if you come near the poison and keep scolding the poison, the cup of poison is not going to turn into sweet nectar anytime soon.

You've had it your way, I'll have it mine. We're even. If you have a problem with that, my response is: okay. It doesn't mean I'll do something to react to you. If I react, its a reaction. If I don't react, its a reaction as well, and my reaction might not be in your favour. If my reaction doesn't please you and you feel upset about it, make a choice and don't come near this cup of poison anymore lah.

But btw, feel very free to go bitch about how my hypocrisy irks you. Just don't expect me to turn into some saintly unhypocritical Goddess anytime soon.

The closest of the closest know me well enough - I don't believe in superficial shoulders for leaning on. You act like an idiot, I'll call you an idiot. You fuck yourself up, and if the holier-than-thou in me feels you need some slapping, I'll do it. Whatever it takes, I'll do it. I don't believe in surface level contributions to a relationship - because it's a waste of my time, and I don't like wasting time. So I say something sharp and caustic, that's what I have to give, and people who know me they know, I am not one person who has a storage of hugs to give away. I'm that person you come to when you know you need a big slap in the face, just to wake you up, someone who's there to call a spade a spade, just when you need it. I know you'll have plenty of those around you to give you hugs and call you darling, but I'm just not that.

But for some reason, I'm really lousy with telling my subordinates just what they need to build up on their competencies. Could this be because I just don't care enough about them to put my relationship with them at stake? Knowing that I need to do something and doing what I need to do, there's that struggle there all the time… it's always there.

But I've got a little less than three months left to make a significant change.